Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider moving back in with my mum?

33 replies

OscarLove · 01/07/2011 19:12

I am in my 30's and live alone as a single mum to my DS's.

We live in a decent-ish council estate but I am really struggling with finances and thought the easiest thing to do would be to move back with my mum and her dh (my stepdad). I have been rolling around the idea in my head again and again and I know my mum would take me back in a flash, but i'm so indecisive, it's a decision I can never make on my own even though I have to! There are pro's and con's to both situations.

Living As We Are Now

Pros are:

Free to do whatever I like when children are at school/childcare and i'm off work

Having own space away from interfering adults

Don't have to answer to anyone about where I am going (when kids are with their dads)

Very, very attached to our little home

Like the area and surrounding towns and countryside

Rent is very cheap (we're with local authority)

Cons are:

Sometimes I finish work late and have to walk down a dark alley to get to home. This scares me.

If I finish late there are often drunks/junkies/knob heads on the bus home

Very tough financially. After paying bills and rent, I am left with £40 to feed and clothe me and the lo's PER MONTH

Never been on holiday since we lived here because of tight finances

Can't afford nice things

No garden

No family/friends for over 12 miles away

Neighbours keep themselves to themselves

Anti-social behaviour from some neighbours

Living With Mum And Stepdad

Pros are:

They have a garden

Adult company

Help with lo's

Will have around £400 PER MONTH to spend on whatever we like after paying mum and stepdad board and lodgings

Ready made friends and family live in area

Nice, quiet residential area

Cons are:

Could be tension living with 2 other adults

They are quite untidy and I like cleanliness

When I have ME time away from DC, I will be questioned by mum where I am going/who with

They are noisy talkers and have tv on loud til late at night so could be hard for DC and me who are used to sleeping in more quiet than that

They stay in bed til past 10am. DC can't be kept quiet til then

The big one: THEY SMOKE LIKE CHIMNEYS! They would refuse to smoke outside (ok, it's their home) but their clothes and the house smell and it would kill me if they would smoke around DC, and they wouldn't make any concessions for them, after all it's their home

So that's my dilemma. Please help!!!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/07/2011 19:19

you feed yourself and dc on £10 per week????

OddBoots · 01/07/2011 19:22

I can really see your dilemma but the smoking point would absolutely rule it out for me. Do you have any friends in a similar position with whom you could house share instead?

hugeleyoutnumbered · 01/07/2011 19:26

oscarlove with the best will in the world it won't work, I did it we gave up our home and sold lots of furniture got rid of cutlery glasses you name I had to get rid of it, five weeks later after four and a half weeks of hell I moved out, had to beg and borrow to get my life back on track, I loved my mom but it was a DISASTER. my life wasn't my own, my boys wouldn't listen to me, grans house grans rules. It was the worst thing i ever did, we sorted things out later but I it was a horrid time for the children, my mom and myself. but I do understand why you feel it would be a good idea, the finacial side of things alone sounds attractive. the smoke, the noise, the questions, at moment are irritants when you move in they will become massive problems.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/07/2011 19:28

I'm also a single parent and considered doing this a few years ago, for similar reasons to you. I decided in the end not to move back to my parents' house. The main reason was that I like my independence and freedom too much to ever move back in with them, except in the most extreme of circumstances (say if we were made homeless, and even then it would have to be very short term). For me I wasn't prepared to sacrifice that - I'd rather be skint. As for the smoking, that would be a complete no-no. That would be the deal breaker for me tbh.

Also, you have a council house, which are rare as he's teeth (at least where I live). I think you'd be mad to give up a council tenancy. What if living with your parents doesn't work out and you can't get another council tenancy, so have to rent privately? That would cost even more - trust me, I know Wink. Could you ask the council for a swap or transfer to an area closer to your family?

I'm probably teaching you to suck eggs here but have you done a budget? Moneysavingexpert.com have some brilliant money saving/making tips that I've found invaluable over the last few years. Can you change to cheaper utility companies, drop down a brand at the supermarket, sell stuff on ebay?

I think you'd regret giving up your freedom for financial gain - for me the loss of the former would be much worse than the gain of the latter.

jubilee10 · 01/07/2011 19:30

Write down all your income and outgoings and go to citizens advice to see if they can find something else you could be entitled to or make any suggestions

I couldn't live in a house with smokers and it would be very bad for your dc's.

Original poster
OscarLove · 01/07/2011 19:32

Yes Tiffany. It's tough, but we manage somehow. I tend to buy all our food from the knocked down products in morrisons that they sell off for 9p at the end of the night just before closing on a Sunday and freeze them. We get a lot of fruit and veg that way that we'd otherwise not be able to afford and bake crumbles and cook veggie casseroles or soups. Everything works out ok, but i'm tired of it being this way. I wish I could go into the supermarket and treat us to a bottle of real vimto, for example, and not have to settle for the 19p orange juice, but that's how it is.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/07/2011 19:32

No, you shouldn't move back home. But you should post your budget and ask for help with that as that's far too little to be left with at the end of the month.

Maybe there are some extra benefits you might be entitled to or if you have debts some debt advice someone can give you.

Original poster
OscarLove · 01/07/2011 19:35

Yes, the smoking thing is the biggest thing that's putting me off. I don't want my kids to inhale all that badness.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/07/2011 19:35

you sound like you are coping well. keep it up!

i think i agree,moving back wont be the solution

MrsVidic · 01/07/2011 19:37

As someone who works within housing- if you give up your house you will find it near on impossible to get another quickly or indeed at all for a long time Sad

Are you sure your claiming everything you should be- ie wtc's etc- it seems like you are finding it tough financially and this is the major worry.

Jellykat · 01/07/2011 19:38

I personally wouldn't.. i think you'll go nuts..

Any chance of moving nearer? It won't help financially i know, but you'll have other benefits- childcare, family/friends nearby, and nicer area.. plus with childcare help, maybe a change of career that pays better?

Have you looked into WTC by the way? Is your Leccy on a meter?.. I'd say there's something wrong somewhere with outgoings if you've only got £40!!

OddBoots · 01/07/2011 19:38

I'm guessing you have looked to see if a house swap is available nearer to your parents?

LoveMyGirls · 01/07/2011 19:39

Nope I wouldn't move in.

As hard as it is right now thing's are boound to improve in time.

IF you did decide to move what would happen if you decided you hated it? It's not easy to get social housing is it so you may struggle and be stuck.

What happens if you are living there and you meet a man you would like to date and eventually want to live with?

Original poster
OscarLove · 01/07/2011 19:39

We don't have debts, thank god. A loan sounds lovely until it's time to pay it back so i'm not going there.

At the mo, all I pay out for are the bare essentials in bills. I have to pay £70 per month on a bus ticket which is a killer, but I have to because I take 2 different company buses to work and it's the cheapest way to do it. We have no added 'luxuries' like sky tv and I rarely top my mobile up. I just don't know where it all goes.

OP posts:
mousesma · 01/07/2011 19:39

Agree with the other posters that this won't work. I don't think our parents ever really see us as adults and you will end up resenting having to answer to your parents for your actions.

Is it possible to expore getting a council exchange to put you nearer to your friends and family? If you're prepared to have a smaller property you may have a really good chance of moving. I would be reluctant to give up a council property because you'll find it very very hard to get another one.

mamasmissionimpossible · 01/07/2011 19:43

£40 to feed and clothe you and the dcs!

Are you sure you aren't entitled to any more help. Benefits, tax credits etc...

I admire your resourcefulness. How do you do it?

BitOfFun · 01/07/2011 19:45

You need to make a budget and somebody will be able to go through it and help you. There is surely something you are not claiming that you arer entitled to, or a better deal to be got with your bills. Something is not right here.

cjbartlett · 01/07/2011 19:48

Who looks after the kids while you work?

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 01/07/2011 19:51

OscarLove I mentioned MSE in my first post - are you a member on there? If not, join up and post your SOA (Statement of Accounts) on the Debt Free Wanabee forum. I know you're not in debt but the people on there will help by suggesting ways of cutting back or upping your income. Honestly, it's so helpful.

Agree with the other posters who said it can't be right that you only have £40 to spend on food. How old are your kids? How many hours do you work? Go to the CAB or see a Lone Parent Advisor at the job centre to check you're getting all you're entitled to (you'll also be able to find this info out on MSE). Are you getting maintenance? If not, consider applying to the CSA.

HelloKlitty · 01/07/2011 19:51

Is your job actually WORTH all this hell? £70.00 on travel is horrendous! I feel for you living like this!

I think the benefits of living with your Mum outweigh the downsides...in other cultures it's very normal to do this...I know I would if my circumstances were differen't.

With the exta funds you can have nights out an DD can join ballet or ridng classes...you wont be stuck in all the time!

ZhenXiang · 01/07/2011 19:52

How many hours a week do you work?

Muckyhighchair · 01/07/2011 20:01

I too had a similar choice to make no money living on my own, mum offered to take me in, with ds.

In the end thou i moved in with a girl pal and her dd. Worked really well for the both of us, as the rent and bills got spilt in half plus we got a good deal on a nicer house, in a good area with a garden. We even bought and shared a car together. Plus babysitting duties.

We just took it in turns on a week by week rota with cooking, cleaning, babysitting etc.

It lasted 18 months and i got back together with ds dad, i gave her 2 months notice of moving. She then moved her new oh in on a new lease on the house and we sold the car spilting the cost fairly

PrettyMeerkat · 01/07/2011 20:07

I think it would be a bad idea to give up your council house. It could well be near impossible to get another one and you could end up living with your mum for the next 10/20 years!

I think you need to find other ways to help the financial situation rather then moving in with your mum.

Could you do a council house swap to an area less isolated and nearer work?

What job do you do?

Probably get seriously slagged off for this but my initial thought was to wonder if you would be better off collecting benefits instead for a while, unless of course you think you could get a better paid job.

How far away is your work?

How old are your children?

shakey1500 · 01/07/2011 20:20

I moved back home when I was 24. AND it was pre ds. Twas a nightmare. The independance you have now will seem like a dim and distant memory.

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 20:25

Are you sure your claiming EVERYTHING ? It doesnt seem right your left with so little each week?
Dont move back in with your parents it will never work believe me . You have a council house which are like Gold dust and I wouldnt give it up if I were you.
In future something might change money wise and you can get back on your feet . My mom works part time and gets WTC and CTC and she copes very well finacially she manages it well I dont see how your left with so little each week it doesnt seem right.

I hope your situation improves soon.

Swipe left for the next trending thread