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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think of this behaviour?

42 replies

Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:12

Is what I'm feeling justified, or am I out of touch?

I emailed a group of mums and dads from my child's nursery to invite them to a child's birthday party. Everyone but one replied after a few weeks. I wanted to give this particular parent a chance, so I followed up the email with a written invitation card - you know, 'please come to the birthday party of XXX'. The parent still didn't reply. Party is tomorrow, still don't know if this parent and their little girl are coming or not. We see them regularly, at nursery and babygroups.

They don't know whether or not I'm slaving over a hot stove to prepare food for certain numbers.

I find that really rude. Do you? Or have I lost the plot and am in danger of turning into a 'mother in law from hell' type?!

I just think, if you receive an invitation, you reply. It doesn't matter if it's yes, or no, yuo reply. And if you don't want to come, you make something credible up and you lie through your teeth and reply. But, above all, you REPLY!

Can I check if you agree?

OP posts:
eurochick · 01/07/2011 14:13

I agree that it's rude but will you really be "slaving over a hot stove" any more for 9 than you would for 8 (or whatever the applicable numbers are)?

DoMeDon · 01/07/2011 14:20

It is rude but apparnetly getting more common (according to threads on here and my own BITTER experience)

Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:22

No (and I'm not slaving over a hot stove anyway) - I take your point. But let's face it, this person hasn't put that much thought into it. They just think it's ok not to reply.

i just wanted to run it past other people. My next lesson is to move on and not let it bother me! Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
PissesGlitter · 01/07/2011 14:24

if you see them regularly why didnt you just ask them then?

i do find it rude not to rsvp though

thisisyesterday · 01/07/2011 14:25

if you see them regularly then why don't you ask them?

ok yes, i do agree with you that it's really rude not to reply at all, esp when reminded. no doubt about that at all

not sure about the slaving over a hot stove though, am sure you;ll have enough for a couple of extra people if they do turn up.
or, if you don't then just say "oh i'm so sorry you didn't reply so i wasn't aware you wanted to come, unfortuantely i've only catered for x"

magicmelons · 01/07/2011 14:28

It is rude BUT i forget to reply all the time, dc get invited to so many parties i could cry, the last couple of weekends i have spent all day sat at parties. I think sub consciously I think if I don't reply they will go away. I always appreciate when somebody approaches me and i can just tell them then and there in the playground.

Scholes34 · 01/07/2011 14:29

All too easy to send out group e-mails, and you're never totally sure that you should have been included in the first place. Agree a tad rude not to respond to a written invitation, but surely if you've seen this mum at nursery you could have spoken if you really needed a response . . . or did you just want to moan?

JanMorrow · 01/07/2011 14:32

I forget to reply to things all the time, I'm terrible.. I'm not being deliberately rude honest, I'm just shit at it. Must try harder.

Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:36

Points taken, thanks. Yes good point about why didn't I ask face to face. Probably a self-confidence thing, and that says more about me than them. Note to self: get more confident and don't hide behind email/invitation card!! (or made up name on MN!!)

From your replies I can see i have lots to learn about childrens parties! We are just starting out on that road (early toddler party).

OP posts:
SuePurblybilt · 01/07/2011 14:36

This happened to me and I was fuming. Properly hopping mad.

Then someone invited DD to a party in half term and the invitation fell behind the heater. Just found it Blush

So it can be a genuine mistake. You got a huge response rate really, for Dd's party, only two replied from 14.

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2011 14:38

IME you always have to chase up these invitations by phone, it is a pita

tazmin · 01/07/2011 14:38

if you see them regularly then why don't you ask them?

this ^

mummytime · 01/07/2011 14:39

Get over it. Seriously when your precious is at school, you will then have the nightmare of children who are invited, and accept but don't turn up. Lets be honest whatever kind of party you are having for a little person, one more or less doesn't make much difference (unless your parties are very different to mine).
Also when they are at school they will leave invitations in their trays, or at the bottom of their bags, so the parent will not even know there has been an invite.
If it was really crucial I would expect you to phone me, and I usually am phoning around before my kids parties - as some invitations do always get lost etc.

Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:40

Scholes - yes could have asked directly, but sort of wanted to see what response written invite elicited and didn't want to feel i had to go back a 3rd time and keep chasing - kind of felt i'd done my bit and it was time to others to give back ie 'yes we'd love to come', or 'no sorry we're away'.

and yes just wanted to have a bit of a moan and get it off my chest!

thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 01/07/2011 14:40

This thread has just reminded me that I've got to RSVP to a party invite. Thanks Grin

Jux · 01/07/2011 14:42

This was par for the course even when dd was younger (she's 11 now). I just rang round a few days before. If you see her why haven't you just asked?

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 14:45

Not everyone checks their emails.

It could have got caught up in spam...gone straight to trash or maybe they've changed their email address.

Seriously, has the spoken word gone that far out of fashion? Confused

Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:48

okay, okay, i'm getting the message: i should have just asked her. Yes, i see that now. i've probably seen her in the flesh twice since the first invite. So yes, i should have grown up and just asked her. I think i probably take it too personally and therefore hid behind group email. And probably partly why i'm a bit peeved.

i've learnt something in past 5 minutes!!

probably more about myself than anyone else.

however, we're not talking school age children here. This is only a small group of young toddlers (group of about 5) who see each other regularly. And we live in a very self-enclosed community. Not older children who leave things in bags etc and who are inundated with invites. Maybe the mum doesn't really want to come and so 'forgot' like you do.

PuppyMonkey: glad to have been of service!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:51

worraliberty - no i don't think the spoken word has gone out of fashion, but i was hoping the written invitation card hadn't, hence my post! i guess that was my concern - have people got so casual, that we don't even reply to children's invites anymore?

OP posts:
wolfnipplechips · 01/07/2011 14:52

Perhaps she is too embarrassed to decline after you've gone to so much trouble with the 2nd invite but really doesn't want to go.

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 14:54

Did you give the written invitation card to the child or the parent?

I'm just wondering if it's languishing in a book bag somewhere?

Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 14:58

worraliberty - written invitation direct to the parents.

wolfnipplechips - yes you could be right. might have made it worse for them with the written card!

thanks for your replies and take the time.

there are always explanations for things and everything has a million different sides to it.

OP posts:
magicmelons · 01/07/2011 15:00

I think some parents, not saying you OP though do forget that other people have lives too though. IMO preschool age parties are a right PITA, you can't leave the child as they are too young. They are mid afternoon on a Saturday ( in a play centre no matter how beautiful the weather) and the birthday child usually cries through the whole thing. Very self indulgent on the parents part. I have more than 1 dc so i've been doing back to back parties for the last couple of weeks < worn out emoticon>

The nice ones i've had the pleasure of taking to dc too have been tea party,4- 5 close friends where the parents know the kids well enough for the to stay without you they last 1.5 hours and thats enough for preschoolers.

Original poster
Bouviergirl · 01/07/2011 15:08

I think you make good points magicmelons and I take on board your comments based on your experience.

Maybe parents don't want to do our party. I musn't forget other people have lives too. I take your point.

I get the feeling though most people also agree, if you need to come up with an excuse, do it and just RSVP and give your excuse (make it up if you need to!) - rather than not RSVP at all (my original peeve).

However, maybe, just like i didn't have the confidence to ask face to face, maybe there's another reason this parent hasn't RSVPd - confidence, time, embarrassment, different social norms etc.

OP posts:
didcot1 · 01/07/2011 15:09

You only had one who didn't reply. I had half of mine although they are school age so prob got lost in bookbags. I do also find it really rude to not reply.

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