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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep letting him off and giving him more chances?

39 replies

MetalSian · 28/06/2011 14:33

I expect you will all say yes but anyway.

Back story: He moved out last week after and argument, I let him come back on the terms that he tries EXTREMELY hard to sort himself out.
Before this he would spend money out of my account on things he shouldn't without asking me. He lies, pretty much constantly. He has depression and can't hold down a job.

But he is currently on a work trial through Jobcentre for two weeks, with the flu but it still going.

To me this shows he is putting the effort in so I was really happy until about 5 minutes ago...

So I just checked by bank and he has AGAIN spent money out without asking me on computer games.
Just checked his bank account and there are even more.

Is there anyway I can stop this? Or is it best just to tell him to shove off =/?
Don't get me wrong I love him a lot but every time I give him another chance he just fucks up again and again or always has some excuse why.
I feel like I am dealing with another child.

If we had the money to waste it wouldn't bother me but I am always on the edge of being able to pay everything every month and he doesn't seem to care.
Not sure if he is just selfish or has a major problem (more than he already has anyway).

Sorry if this is all over the place, just a bit stressed... again =/.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/06/2011 14:40

YABU (there you go). The only way to stop someone like this is to completely clip their wings financially. i.e. If they can't be trusted with it then you have to take away the cashcard, CCs and chequebooks and leave them with a cash allowance 'pocket money'. It might sound extreme but it's either that or you tell them to leave, or you end up in big financial trouble, tearing your hair out with worry.

If he recognises that he has a problem with money then he might even be grateful that you take on all the responsibility.

HerHissyness · 28/06/2011 14:43

Do you need me to type what I think you should do?

I am not going to.

You know it already.

Change your log-in details. Can you report fraudulent activity on your account?

How many MORE times ARE you going to let him steal from you?

Can you answer this question for me?

What do YOU get out of being with this glorious specimen of a man?

Morloth · 28/06/2011 14:44

Why does he have access to your bank account?

EnSuiteShed · 28/06/2011 14:47

Well, first of all why does he have access to your account? If he is taking money from it then you need to stop him having access to it.

WTF is wrong with grown men who are unable to get a job but are perfectly happy to sit and play computer games. He needs to grow up.

The lies...do you really think that you could be with someone that you are always wondering "Is he telling the truth about that?" For that reason you will be unable to trust him.

Obviously it must be difficult for you as you love him, but he is acting like a child so you need to treat him like one.

He keeps fucking up over and over because you are letting him by giving him another chance.

Xales · 28/06/2011 14:49

He accessed your account without your permission. Anywhere else that would be theft.

Change all your details for online banking. Cancel any cards he has. Change your PIN number or report your card stolen, get a new one and change the PIN number.

Do not let him have any details for your account again.

You spell it out for yourself at the bottom of your OP. He doesn't care if you or your children go without. He thinks he is more important.

Personally I couldn't live with someone like that.

Original poster
MetalSian · 28/06/2011 14:49

I have changed my account details.
This time he used my card which was on my desk in my wallet.
He shouldn't have access to my bank account but always seems to find a way.

The problem is I can't see a way of stopping him spending the money.
He does it all online.
Even if I take away the card he will still find a way to spend it.

Hissy I enjoy being around him most of the time. When he was away for 4 days or so I really missed him. But from telling him to sort himself out or I will not take it anymore, to him doing this within 3 days of being back I think I may need to man up and stick with what I said =[.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 28/06/2011 14:51

in that case, report him for fraud.

get the police involved if necessary.

it is theft, you know.

EnSuiteShed · 28/06/2011 14:56

He took your card out of your wallet?????

I've been with my DH for 7 years and we trust each other completely, yet he will always ask me if he needs to go into my bag or wallet for anything (spare change, stamps etc)

What your DP has done is devious, and that would worry me. I could almost understand if he was desperate for a cigarette and needed to buy them, or was using it for drugs, but computer games??

He is stealing money from you and you need to stop that. I think the only way you will achieve this is if he moves out.

EricNorthmansMistress · 28/06/2011 14:58

Yes you do need to woman up

He's a pathetic man child and he will drag you down until you have nothing

Kick him out and claim single parent benefits - you will be ££££ better off

Enjoyable company isn't worth paying this price for (and is it really enjoyable? He steals from you, doesn't work and plays video games obsessively - barrel of laughs there)

How many times are you going to lie down and write 'doormat' on your head?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/06/2011 15:00

"Even if I take away the card he will still find a way to spend it."

Not if you cancel your cards and get new ones, change passwords weekly, and keep your wallet with you at all times. He might find a way to spend someone else's money, but not yours.

jeckadeck · 28/06/2011 15:01

sorry, but yes YABU and a bit of a mug, to be honest. There are plenty of grey area situations in relationships where someone's behaving badly but there's scope for it to change/room for two sides of a story but this is black and white. He's stealing from you and has continued to do so after you've rumbled him and asked him not to. He has no respect for you and therefore you can't have an adult, loving relationship. There's no future in this and the sooner you realize and leave, the quicker you can get on with building your self-esteem up enough to realize that you deserve better. Get rid.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 28/06/2011 15:04

You and your self esteem need to get reacquainted.

Original poster
MetalSian · 28/06/2011 15:05

How many times are you going to lie down and write 'doormat' on your head?
Eric, that made me laugh but how true =/.
And to think the amount of times I have told him I won't keep being treated like a piece of shit yet I let it carry on.

Just to piss me off even more I overpaid council tax, so who do they give the refund to? Of course always the man.

I think I will see what he has to say when he gets home from this work trial.
Either he gives control of ALL money to me, and doesn't spend anything without asking.
Or he can get out =/.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 28/06/2011 15:08

they should give the refund to whoever the account's name is - so if you've put it in his name, then it will go to him.

you should get that changed, too.

niceguy2 · 28/06/2011 15:08

Erm...we are talking about your BF right? It almost sounds like you are talking about an errant teenager.

In which case you need to get rid and get yourself a proper man who is your equal rather than someone who acts like a spoilt teenager and needs you to parent him.

Original poster
MetalSian · 28/06/2011 15:12

He is 4 years older than me, 24 and yeah definitely still acts like a teenager.

And our council tax account is joint. But always the mans name first.
So that meant he got the refund.
I will however be waiting until his Jobseekers backdated money comes in then ask him to transfer it all to my account. Whether he leaves or not.

I just know if I kick him out I will never be given back the money he has promised to pay me back, such as the £700 for a deposit for a car he made me go into overdraft for without asking.

Can I really call it fraud though?
When it happened through Paypal it said to check none of my family had used it as that wouldn't count.

OP posts:
EnSuiteShed · 28/06/2011 15:13

"Either he gives control of ALL money to me, and doesn't spend anything without asking. Or he can get out"

Well, you could try this, but I could almost guarantee you that he will continue to lie about things. Also, do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to control all the finances because your DP is too much of a child to take responsibility?

EnSuiteShed · 28/06/2011 15:15

Bit of a rude question but: How long have you been together and is he the father of your children?

Original poster
MetalSian · 28/06/2011 15:16

Yeah he is my DS's father and we have been together for 3 years.

OP posts:
DontGoCurly · 28/06/2011 15:18

What you've got there is a cocklodger. Get him out.

If you can when his fabled backdated jobseekers comes through, transfer whatever he owes you into a new secret account that he has no access to.

Then boot the useless lump out. He's nothing but a fecking parasite. He'll bleed you dry and destroy your credit rating. Financial abuse.

diddl · 28/06/2011 15:18

He´s never going to give any money back-just keep taking more by the sounds of things!

How can he use a card of yours?

I have a debit card which my husband can´t use as it has my (obv female) name on, he doesn´t know the PIN, he wouldn´t forge my signature.

Original poster
MetalSian · 28/06/2011 15:20

He knows my pin, which I will change.
But online you don't even need a pin.
Just fill in the card details.

I have also changed my online verification password =/

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 28/06/2011 15:21

He's a thief. Report him to the police. Or suck it up and stay with him and accept his behaviour. Obv.

dreamingbohemian · 28/06/2011 15:24

Ah love, there are so many men in this world who are lovely and fun and who won't nick your wallet. But you'll never find them unless you bin this one first.

You need to put you and DS ahead of this man.

diddl · 28/06/2011 15:29

"But online you don't even need a pin.
Just fill in the card details."

Blimey!

My husband´s credit card has a PIN that he has to give in online.