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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my mum staying over as soon as I've given birth?

28 replies

pipparoo · 21/06/2011 17:24

As the years go on my relationship with my mum is getting more and more disfunctional. When she comes to visit she is completely disrespectful to my husband and sees no harm in telling us what to do/force her opinion on us.

I am due to give birth in the next few weeks and my mum (who lives 200 miles away) has stated that she is coming to stay for the night when the baby is born. She stayed with us when our daughter was born and completely ignored my husband's role in his new baby's life and made us both feel uncomfortable in our own home. AIBU to not want her to come to stay? Really what I think I need is some advice on how to deal with her that doesn't resort in the usual screaming matches/her telling us that she never wants to see us again etc etc. Can't face such at this late stage!

TIA

OP posts:
Xales · 21/06/2011 17:26

Don't let her know until a week after the baby is born?

Original poster
pipparoo · 21/06/2011 17:28

ha, was thinking that. Would take serious guts on my part!

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 21/06/2011 17:29

"This time I would just like to be with my husband and new baby for the first few weeks but we'd love to see you when everything has settled."

twooter · 21/06/2011 17:29

Do you need her for childcare? If not could you suggest a b&b?

Punkatheart · 21/06/2011 17:30

I am very close to my mother and even we fell out when she came to stay after my DD was born. DON"T DO IT! It's a stressful time - and it is your time.

LadyFlumpalot · 21/06/2011 17:32

I had this but with MIL and it was a fortnight, not just a night. I was so stressed about the prospect that it was affecting my health in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. In the end, I just told her "no". I told her (politely) that I couldn't be dealing with houseguests at that time, of course her input was vital to my childs wellbeing, and the best way she could help, which no-one else would have the decency to think about, would be to give me some space. Of course, she would be the first person invited etc, etc.

Basically I just flattered the pants off of her and made her think that everyone else was being rude and disrespectful by crowding me.

It worked...

Good luck!

Nixea · 21/06/2011 17:32

Try explaining that you think the transition would be easier on DD if it was just the three (well soon to be four! Congrats BTW) of you in the house and that once you're settled you'd love to have her to visit.

LolaRennt · 21/06/2011 17:35

Tell her no. Or tell her after the baby. You cant really pussy foot around it can you?

Original poster
pipparoo · 21/06/2011 17:36

Twooter I have very considerate inlaws who are going to take care of my DD when labour starts, so no. She's said no to staying with my sister who lives down the road, justification being that we have a guest room so why would she, so bnb suggestion wouldn't go down well.
Thanks Punkatheart, I agree that it's our time, just wish she would too!
dickie I'm liking your diplomacy, I'm going to try it out and see how I get on.

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
Original poster
pipparoo · 21/06/2011 17:39

I definitely can't, Lola, and realise that I have to get on and tell her it's just not happening.

I like your suggestions LadyFlum and Nixea, flattery is the way to go with my mother to avoid the arguments!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofLitha · 21/06/2011 17:53

Is that guest room eventually going to be the baby's room? If it is I'd get it turned into a nursery now before the baby arrives, when you have one less child to look after and a bit more energy than you'll have after baby arrives.

"I need is some advice on how to deal with her that doesn't resort in the usual screaming matches/her telling us that she never wants to see us again etc etc."

Well if this does happen you'll get the time alone you want when the baby is first born. Not the ideal way but She will come to see you again eventually if she wants to see her DGC.

Original poster
pipparoo · 23/06/2011 10:11

Thanks Chaotic. The guest room is there to stay hence her thinking she can use it whenever she wants. There's water damage in there at the mo and I was even considering getting the building work underway around my due date so it's out of bounds but of course that's just stupid. I'm going to tell her today that we need our space and will not be accepting houseguests and she can react how she wants and we'll deal with it

OP posts:
fulllife · 24/06/2011 12:06

more power to you! did the same thing at 4 months already - the idea of my parents (both) nesting with us for weeks just made me hyperventilate. do expect her to switch completely to "non-recepetion" my parents completely refused to budge and i actually found out that they had bought flights without consulting with me , and after, that they were planning on "sneaking in" and waiting on stand by to pounce on me "surprise!!" when the little one was born. i never once retreated though, you are the only one who knows what will be good for you and its your duty to create the most welcoming and peaceful environment for your newcomer. just saying: do it now, expect it to hurt, and expect it to take about a months until everything is settled...ah, and dont try to reason, its just a waste of time.

MeconiumHappens · 24/06/2011 12:28

have the baby, tell her you have to stay in the hospital for two days for observation....

ZonkedOut · 24/06/2011 12:34

You could tell her that the spare room is uninhabitable due to the water damage, maybe?

PrettyMeerkat · 24/06/2011 12:52

This is perfect -

"This time I would just like to be with my husband and new baby for the first few weeks but we'd love to see you when everything has settled."

ASByatt · 24/06/2011 12:55

Hmm but unrealistic to expect her to stay away for 'the first few weeks' - especially if nice inlaws are around and meeting new babe, surely?

Can you 'big up' the water damage issue? - Strictly on the basis of thinking of your dear mum's health?

PrettyMeerkat · 24/06/2011 13:05

OP Would you rather she didn't stay at all or is there a time when you would feel better about it, say after a week or so?

Would she really refuse to stay at your sisters?

It must have been tough on you both and particularly your DH last time. I think that is awful when dads get pushed out.

InTheNightKitchen · 24/06/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knittedbreast · 24/06/2011 13:13

had the same. when i was at uni and had my son my parents who i had the most awful relationship with rang to say surprise we have driven 250 miles to see you and the baby!
there had been complications, my son and i went into shock, i was a mess. my bitch of a mother turned up at the hospital while i went home for a bath. she told the midwives she was my mother and they showed her my child without me there or wih my permission. i hadnt even known she was coming.

i was so angry i cannot explain. when she called me to say how beautiful O is i told her to get back in the fucking car and never come back.

i refused to see or speak to her for 4 months.

this time is so special, its about you and baby and your hubby. stand your ground

MistressFrankly · 24/06/2011 13:15

Pretty Meerkat's line seems sound. I know its hard but you need to put your foot down. Your mother should not be making you feel anxious in your late stages of pregnancy and make you wory about new baby's early days. Her insistance to stay is unreasonable especially is your sister is close. You are an adult and a parent, it is time to do what is right for you, your DH and DCs. If she cannot accept it, leave her to the arguments and dont get dragged into it. If she cannot be supportive then that is on her. She will get over it. Probably.

MIL was a nightmare. She did everything she could to stress me out when i was pregnant and when we stood up to her she flipped (she's the adult because she is older? i think not). Neither i or my now xoh have spoken to her since i was 8.5 months gone. She has never met her gdd and i pity her but i was not going to have her taking over my family and making us feel like crap because we didnt want things to be how she insisted they had to be.

This time is about your new LO not your mum.

PrettyMeerkat · 24/06/2011 13:17

I copied it from dickiedavisthunderthighs although would love to take the credit. Smile

PrettyMeerkat · 24/06/2011 13:20

My MIL refused to say whether or not she would look after my older child while I was in labour. I had literally no on else I could rely on and the only reason she did it was out of spite! I explained that I needed to know to try to make some other arrangements (what I don't know) and she just said it would "probably be ok". PROBABLY! Talk about stress. I have terrible labours and really needed my DH there, so the thought that he might not be because my MIL was trying to make me suffer . . .

Why do people not realise the stress they cause (although of course in my case it was intentional).

MistressFrankly · 24/06/2011 13:22

Smile fair enough yours was the closet name making the point and couldnt be arsed scrolling!

EssentialFattyAcid · 24/06/2011 13:23

Tell her she can come for a visit in the first week but will need to stay with your sister as you and dh want some time to relax and bond with your new family.

If she doesn't want to come unless she can stay at yours then she will have to stay at home.

If she behaves badly at your house then try to address it calmly and directly at the time. EG "I do not feel that was a respectful thing to say to my dh/ me, please could you not behave like that." Take control of the part you play in your relationship with your mum, don't let her call the shots.