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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder which planet DH is on?

64 replies

carocaro · 21/06/2011 11:45

DH's birthday on Saturday. I have no idea what £ we have to celebrate this as he has decided to be all Victorian about £ eg: I get when I ask for it for food and house stuff and then have to say exactly what it is for. He then says last night he would like to invite some friends and their kids to stay for the weekend and have a big BBQ on Saturday.

I am working Thursday (volunteer whilst DS2 is at preschool) and have 4 DS year old the rest of the time. I asked him who was going to mow the lawn, cut the hedges, clean the bbq, plan and shop for food, make the food, organised the beds and bedding, get the drinks in etc etc. 8 adults 5 kids.

Oh I think that would be me then?

I have also just come back from the supermarket to find he has gone to work and left all the windows open upstairs eg: hello burgulars do come in and rob us.

I have also asked him, no joke, at least 10 times to sort out a Talk Talk issue and call Orange to get my faulty phone (have no mobile at present) replaced (his name is on the bill so I cannot speak to them nor has he authorised me so I to talk to them). Also our mortgage fixed rate is up and I have looked at a few other options and left him some details to look at; has he looked at them? No.

Then he just emailed me about ironing his shirts for his trip! WTF?!?

So forgive me if I am less than motivated to plan you a birthday bash when you can't do a few simple necessary household things for me.

What planet is he on, because it's not the one I am on quite clearly.

OP posts:
MsTeak · 21/06/2011 11:46

I would ask: What planet are you on that you allow yourself to be controlled in this way?

Original poster
carocaro · 21/06/2011 11:47

Meant to say he is away from Wens to Fri with work.

OP posts:
Original poster
carocaro · 21/06/2011 11:47

Controlled in what way?

OP posts:
Reality · 21/06/2011 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 11:49

I'm not sure what planet either of you are on.

Having to 'ask' for household money and then explain what it's for? Confused

The rest kind of follows on from that imo...sort of par for the course. If he thinks he's the boss, he's going to act like one.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 21/06/2011 11:51

I think she means financially. 'Victorian'? No independent access to money for you? Ask for money? Justify it? 'Housekeeping' ?

Not being authorised to make phone calls to companies

Plus expected to do all the domestic stuff and instructed to iron etc

That sort of thing.

MsTeak · 21/06/2011 11:51

honestly? Isn't it rather obvious? You have to request money from him, and tell him what its for before you get any? You don't know how much money you have? You can't sort out your own phone because its in his name? He announces he wants a birthday party and you have to do all of the work? He expects you to iron his shirts?

you're kidding right?

AgentZigzag · 21/06/2011 11:53

The fact you're asking 'controlled in what way?' says it all.

You have to ask for money? Hmm

Not something I'd be comfortable living with.

buzzsore · 21/06/2011 11:54

It's not normal that you have no access to any money, that you have to ask for money and so on. This is not a partnership.

spookshowangel · 21/06/2011 11:55

i certainly wouldnt be telling my dp what every little penny was being spent on either he trusted me with money or he did the shopping etc him self, and ironing can he not iron his own clothes? this all sounds like my idea of a hell relationship.
are you happy in general op? its ok for him to want to do something for his birthday and even ok for him to expect you to sort of arrange it but in that case you give up the right to know/chose what it is happening. or maybe he doesnt care about the lawn, the hedge etc then why should you. i would most definitely leave them if he was not willing to do them.

suburbophobe · 21/06/2011 11:55

Why are you letting him treat you like this in Victorian fashion, as you yourself state.

If you had access to your own money (and phone), you could just go away for the weekend and leave him to sort it all out.

You need to (re)take control of your own life!

Tee2072 · 21/06/2011 11:56

Victorian is one word for it. Another is controlling. A third would be borderline abusive.

Original poster
carocaro · 21/06/2011 11:56

Ok, but I am not going to do the BBQ or the ironing etc, he can f right off, should have made that clear and the cupboard is fairly empty and I am not going to ask for money to food shop, like some waged servant. There is enough for the kids to eat. I just will wait (probably a long time) for it to click in his head.

I have asked him many times to get me authorised on accounts but he is just a lazy ass and thoughtless. I am on the mortgage and have spoken to our current provider about options and have given him to details to look over, but he has not.

Cannot spend my time being seething from his lack of action any longer. So what do I do?

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 21/06/2011 11:58

Tell him how you feel.

Tee2072 · 21/06/2011 11:58

What do you do? Get access to some money. Stop acting like a Victorian wife.

It's not that it's not clicking in his head. It's that he has perfect control over you and knows it.

buzzsore · 21/06/2011 11:59

Does he have the child benefit and everything paid into his accounts? I think it's more than laziness and thoughtlessness that he doesn't allow you any financial independence. It's untenable.

GeekCool · 21/06/2011 11:59

Witholding finance is considered abusive. Why do you have to justify every penny you spend, a marriage is a partnership fgs. What about if you want to spend money not on a food? Are you 'allowed' to do this?
Good on you though, make a stand against this.

spookshowangel · 21/06/2011 12:00

take some control caro if he wont put you on phone go out and get your own contract, its not acceptable for him to control what you do and dont have access to and that you have to wait till he gets his ""lazy ass" in gear then he can just cancel the other contract or continue paying if he is that lazy. show him you are taking a stand.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/06/2011 12:03

"I have asked him many times to get me authorised on accounts but he is just a lazy ass and thoughtless."

No, he's not lazy/thoughtless - he's sly and manipulative.

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 12:03

He makes you ask for shopping money but all of a sudden you're not going to do it despite the fact the cupboard is fairly empty??

Sit him down, sort out a joint account and get on with the shopping when you need to.

There's no point waiting for it to 'click' with him if it hasn't so far.

MsTeak · 21/06/2011 12:03

he's not thoughtless, hes deliberately controlling you, and you are letting him. why wait til he notices you need food, how ridiculous!

dreamingbohemian · 21/06/2011 12:18

I can't believe women put up with this shite in the year 2011 Sad

OP, do you have any independent source of money? Could you get a part-time job?

You are a grown woman running a household, not a child who needs an allowance. Forget the hedges and BBQ, you have a bigger problem here.

Chandon · 21/06/2011 12:22

Shock at him controlling you like this!!!

And Shock for you just accepting this!

sorry, this is all a bit shocking tbh.

Miggsie · 21/06/2011 12:26

My grandfather treated his housekeeper better than this.

Not having access to money within a marriage is terrible, you are effectively his slave. You don't even rank as a servant, because servants get wages.

This is classic abuse, if you spoke to Women's Aid they'd tell you that.

darleneoconnor · 21/06/2011 12:26

Another financial abuse thread?

OP go read the many other recent threads where posters have given very good advice on what to do about your 'Victorian' DH.

Swipe left for the next trending thread