To wonder which planet DH is on?

[carocaro]

DH's birthday on Saturday. I have no idea what £ we have to celebrate this as he has decided to be all Victorian about £ eg: I get when I ask for it for food and house stuff and then have to say exactly what it is for. He then says last night he would like to invite some friends and their kids to stay for the weekend and have a big BBQ on Saturday.

I am working Thursday (volunteer whilst DS2 is at preschool) and have 4 DS year old the rest of the time. I asked him who was going to mow the lawn, cut the hedges, clean the bbq, plan and shop for food, make the food, organised the beds and bedding, get the drinks in etc etc. 8 adults 5 kids.

Oh I think that would be me then?

I have also just come back from the supermarket to find he has gone to work and left all the windows open upstairs eg: hello burgulars do come in and rob us.

I have also asked him, no joke, at least 10 times to sort out a Talk Talk issue and call Orange to get my faulty phone (have no mobile at present) replaced (his name is on the bill so I cannot speak to them nor has he authorised me so I to talk to them). Also our mortgage fixed rate is up and I have looked at a few other options and left him some details to look at; has he looked at them? No.

Then he just emailed me about ironing his shirts for his trip! WTF?!?

So forgive me if I am less than motivated to plan you a birthday bash when you can't do a few simple necessary household things for me.

What planet is he on, because it's not the one I am on quite clearly.

Have I stumbled into Victorian kitchen by mistake

darleneoconnor snap! I hadn't read your thread only page 1.

Has this snuck up on the pair of you, as in with the arrival of kids and you no longer working, slowly over time the finances became unequally available leading to a power inbalance ?

Even when not actively sought it can have a corrosive effect on the relationship as one learns to flex their muscles, little by little, and the other festers but worries about rocking the boat because while they were distracted with small children all their power seemed to have drifted away.

It is resolvable if it was not actively sought by one partner as a means to control the other.

Lots of talking, very very frank talking, sticking to your guns, accepting only action not words, no games, just truths.

Not the easiest thing to do in the world by any means, but a damn sight less awful than a growing Cinderella complex in conjunction with organizing a party when filled to the brim with resentment.

Don't beat yourself up over being in this place love, we all take our eye of one ball or another in the business of life, but do make it your priority in terms of getting it resolved.

Take the purse test. Look in yours, how much have you got ? Now think about how much money your kids have to call their own. I nearly died when I realised that I had 15 eurocents to call mine in the world while my six year old son had ten euros in his pocket and another 60 odd in his piggy bank alone. My economic power was below that of a small boy.

Doesn't half put things into perspective and fire you up to take it on, is also a very eloquent and piercing way to illustrate the problem to a partner.

Try not to throw the piggy bank at him if he first tries to bluster before facing up to his part in having allowed this to happen.

If none of the above rings any bells and you have a growing sense of fear that you might have been deliberately manipulated into this position and your husband is invested in keeping the status quo at all costs, then it requires a different tack. One that includes getting some outside support from the onset because the problem is far bigger than money or division of labour and on your own you'll be at a disadvantage when pitted against somebody who has been working out his moves ahead of time for a good while.

I asked him who was going to mow the lawn, cut the hedges, clean the bbq, plan and shop for food, make the food, organised the beds and bedding, get the drinks in etc etc. 8 adults 5 kids.

And what was his response?

This is a perfect case for going on strike.

Why are you asking us? You should be asking him.....

I know someone whos DH is like this, well it started like this. Then it got much worse, he would give her an exact amount of money and an exact shopping list and god forbid if she deviated from it, as she faced the consequences later. He then took to noting the mileage on the car when he sent her shopping, he knew the exact mileage from their home to the nearest supermarket. Its all about control. On the surface a wealthy couple and not in want. Through womans aid she has got out.

If you are named on the mortgage, then just arrange whatever you want. When they send the written agreement through, just tell him to sign it.

However, the mortgage is the least of your worries. Tell you husband you want a joint account and equal access to the family finances. You are his partner, not an employee. If he won't do this, then get yourself a job and a better husband!

You really do need to have a good talk with him about finding an financial arrangement that suits you both.

It does not have to be a 'one size fits all' joint account. The fact that this has not happened yet (and if I've read you right, you have 4 dc) signals to me that he may not ever be happy with that, because tbh that is the simpler option, especially compared to you having to ask for everything. Some sort of kitty for household items can work.

He has to understand how this effects every aspect of your life and how it colours your feelings towards him.

Right as to the arranging a big party the day after he has been away and expecting you to do the leg work well that really is unreasonable. Maybe the way to handle it, in the sort run, would be to offer a 'less work for you' alternative, such as all going out for a meal.

He obviously has no idea how much you do, maybe he thinks it's all coffee mornings and he needs to get that out of his head for a start. You could get a Saturday job or something leaving the dc with him to give him an appreciation of your day? At least you should aim to leave him to the childcare duties for a few hours each weekend. Even better overnight.

This is so reminiscent of how my SIL's exH used to treat her that if you'd posted this eighteen months ago I would have thought you were her, iyswim. He is her ex for a reason.

It does sound like (as in many of the other recent threads on here) your DH sees your role as a SAHM as being inferior to his, and he is using this to exert financial control over you. He clearly does not trust you to spend what he thinks of as "his" money in a suitable way. This is also coming through, I think, in the way he expects you to have time to prepare for the BBQ at the weekend; you are "at home" so are available to do this, in his eyes. Did he ask before he decided to have a BBQ or did he just say that that is what you would be doing, without checking with you first?

Does he give you any money at all without knowing the reason for it? What if you wanted to buy a new top? Or go out at the weekend with a friend? Would you have to justify this to your DH too? Does he veto your requests for money if he doesn't think they are appropriate?

If I were you I would make it my priority to find out why he was behaving in this manner. Has this been a recent thing or has he always been like this?

So many women allow themselves to live like this.

It's all very depressing.

carocaro please take a look at this site and have a think about your own situation. I think your H is treating you extremely disrespectfully, especially since without you providing the childcare for your DSs (DSs created by both of you), he wouldn't be able to go to work to earn "his" money.

Is this for real? I'm at any woman living like this! You need to have serious words with him.

Can we stop blaming the OP for being in this situation, please? It is her DH doing the financial controlling and behaving badly - his behaviour is what should be under scrutiny, not hers.

OP it sounds to me like you have talked (several times) to your DH, you've got his agreement on doing various things and yet he hasn't done those actions. It is all very well saying don't take no for an answer but you can't physically make him do these things. So what is going to happen if he doesn't ever do this? If he hasn't done it by now - what makes you think he will do them and treat you equally?

I really think you need to start changing your mindset away from getting him to try and change and towards the fact he probably won't change and what you want or need. Can you really live the rest of your life like this?

Out of interest have you always been a sahm? or did you work before and stop working? Not going to add to the long list of "shock horror victorian husband" posts as its not telling you anything you don't know, I'm just curious as to how you have got yourself into a situation where you have no control over your own finances? it is slightly bizarre in this day and age: even if you don't work your DH should be making money available to you in such a way that you don't have to go cap in hand. If you have time to volunteer do you perhaps have time to do a part time job as well? It sounds like you have some issues in your marriage your DH is definitely trying to control you but getting a degree of financial freedom on your own terms would be helpful, it would build your self esteem and make it clear to your DH that he can't control every corner of your life.

I agree with you Handdived. And I also think that a man who is tis controlling and manipulative regarding finances is also likely to be controlling and manipulative in other aspects of a relationship.

OP, what would happen if you gave him a deadline for getting you on the joint account (then you could organise your own mobile phone, would know how much money is available for birthdays etc)? Because I would not tolerate more than a week for getting it sorted, before leaving him. You cannot continue like this any longer. He is keeping you in his pocket. You are not being allowed to live an adult life.

It's not as simple as saying its not her fault, for every controlling man there is a woman putting up with him, and saying its nothing to do with her is not going to help her gain the confidence to do anything about it. Don't infantilise her, surely her husband is doing that enough?

oh, and while his behaviour may need scrutiny, she can change her own behaviour much easier than she can change his.

The trouble is, in all cases where control/abuse is intentional, the only solution is to leave. If he's just an idiot and they have allowed their relationship to get like this over time and with no controlling intentions, the situation is redeemable, but I doubt that's the case TBH. We can all let bad habits become the norm but only abusers tend to let that escalate to putting someone down and removing any control over their own lives.

It's a hell of a leap for the OP to go from thinking her H is just a tight with money to realising he's abusing her and leaving him. It can take years for women to make that transition sometimes.

Right now the OP needs information, not a call to action. Only when she is in full possession of the facts as they apply to her own life can she start deciding what she wants to do.

Please take a look at that link I mentioned earlier OP. I think you'll find some other useful links on the same site. And good luck.

I am not infantilising her - I am putting the blame where it is deserved - on the person behaving badly. It is not as simple as saying she "is putting up with him". What are the consequences of her not putting up with it? Anger, threats, violence etc. As TheProvincialLady said in all likelyhood there are other dynamics going on in the relationship other than financial control.

How did this situation arise in the first place - it didn't suddenly happen overnight. The OP was clearly unaware she was even being controlled. This behaviour was normalised so probably happened very gradually, creeping up on her. Although, thankfully, she has clearly begun to realise something was wrong because she posted on here about it.

And why can she change her behaviour easier than he can change his (as that is really the comparison you should should be making)?

I am not disagreeing that she shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour btw. I think she should run and when she gets there run some more!

That was at MsTeak btw

I was outraged/saddened when reading the OP. And then I realised my parents live like this. Although there is no controlling element and I don't think my dad has ever asked her to do a single household task - she just does it all herself. My mum is shy so my dad assumed responsibiltiy for household bills over the years. She has a bank card but has never used it because they always go out together as she doesn't drive. She has a cash amount for herself and my dad pays for the food when they go shopping. FAOD, she doesn't want for anything. If she asked him for £xxxx, he'd go and get it, no questions asked. But it is odd when you think about it. And I'd hate it. But they have been married 38 years and it seems to work for them!

They difference with the OP is the controlling element and the fact that the OP doesn't seem happy (whereas my mum definitely is). And that my dad would never expect her to cater for 13 people and do all the prep!

My mum does occasionally wonder what she would do if my dad died because she has no clue where most of the money is, pension, etc. I hope he will put everything in order soon. He's only 61 but acidents can happen at any age.

you're assuming an awful lot there HandDived, not every woman without a bank account has got threats of violence. I didn't say its her fault for putting up with it, I'm saying its far easier for her to address her own actions and reactions than trying to change his. Thats good advice for anyone.