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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to run away

43 replies

CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 19:08

I am so miserable. I can't do it, I'm a shit mum, my children will be fucked up just like me.

If I could I'd go. They'd be better off without me.

OP posts:
ashamedandconfused · 17/06/2011 19:11

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. But your kids need you, you are their MUM, and none of us are perfect, we all have bad days.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL - mum, friend , partner, GP?

I think you might be depressed.

Do you get time away from the kids? if not its no surprise you are feeling down.

Take care

GrownUpNow · 17/06/2011 19:12

Trust me mate, if I can do it then so can you. I'm in a shit shit shit period of my life. I want to up and off and be anywhere but here. But my children rely on me and no matter how buggered I am, no one else is ever going to love them as much as I do, which always makes me the best option. Even when I am THIS close to ringing the crisis team for my mental health problems. One step at a time, take each task as it comes, show your children every day that you love them, and remember that most of the time feeling bad like this is a temporary feeling caused by faulty thinking or a chemical imbalance, if you keep on trying it will pass.

There's help out there for you, speak to a HV, your GP or someone who can help practically, and lean on family and friends if you need some R+R.

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 19:15

I'm on anti depressants. I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I hate them, I actually despise them. They deserve so much better than me.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 17/06/2011 19:19

Agree you should take help wherever you can. Can you get some counselling? You are the mum they have and, while you may think they deserve better, their world revolves around you. It is essentail to get some help and you WILL feel better. So many of us have been in a similar dark place but found a way through, step by step. Take care of yourself, don't be so hard on yourself.

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 19:31

How do I find a way out? I just want to die.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 17/06/2011 19:33

Call the samaritans now if you are suicidal. Stick with the anti-d's, talk to friends, GP, HV. What is it you find most difficult?

babylann · 17/06/2011 19:36

Can you think of anything in particular that's triggered these feelings now? You obviously are a sufferer of depression, but are you always this low or has something made you feel worse than usual?

GrownUpNow · 17/06/2011 19:37

If you are suicidal, you call 999 and they help you get back to a place where you can cope without those thoughts.

If you are in crisis, you call your local mental health crisis team and they help you to get back to a place where you can cope without being in crisis.

If you are depressed and your antidepressants are not working particularly well, you call you CMHT and make an appointment to see your case manager and they help to get you back to a place where your mental health is more stable.

You get better, we always get better, even when the darkest spots feel like it is never possible. Hopelessness is a part of the illness that you have called depression. The feelings that you have towards your children are either part of it too, or are temporary due to being overloaded with stress and tiredness. I have times I literally hate my children too, when I am right in the middle of an anxiety attack, or am so tired and ill and they are playing up or being horrid, it's not abnormal.

eve34 · 17/06/2011 19:40

Cantake no more, please your children love you and need you. I do not often post, but stay strong, call anyone you know to come and help, get an early night phone your GP or CMHT if you are involved with one.

This will pass.

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 19:51

I can't even tell my husband. Although he must know. He must.

It's not normal to feel this way. I hate them. They hate me. They must. I'm so shit. I'm so so so so shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 19:52

Thank you for all your replies. I do really appreciate all the replies.

I just don't know what to do. Oh god.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 17/06/2011 19:54

Is your husband home? Can you talk to him? Is there anyone you can talk to in rl?

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 19:57

I can't tell him. He must know. He just gets frustrated with me. I don't know, maybe I should just go. Then I don't have to deal with the disappointment he will have with me.

OP posts:
FebreezeYourJeans · 17/06/2011 20:00

But you must tell him and he HAS to listen, you need help and support and unconditional love to get out of the horrible hole you're in (I have been at the bottom of that very deep, very dark hole)

How old are your children?

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 20:05

11,.7 and 2. I struggle with them all. Wtf is that about? My poor dd going through puberty, my Ds1 being super intelligent and me not doing enough to encourage it and my ds2 being old enough for potty training and me not being able to do it.

And my poor poor long suffering dh, having just lost his dad, having to support me,.when nothing had happened to me. I'm just selfish and disgusting and horrid

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 17/06/2011 20:08

Stay on here and talk. Vent as much as you like. Say whatever you like. This frame of mind will change.

You are not any of the things you think you are. But you are sensitive, worrying. Please talk and share here. Wish we could hold your hand but imagine that all the lovely and feisty women here are doing just that...

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 20:14

OP, so sorry. Sadly depression happens. Lots of us on MN have had it and somehow we have got through it. Sounds like you need a break. Sounds like to you to tell your husband that you need a break. It's really normal to need that. Your husband may feel sad for you but that's ok.

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 20:18

I can't do it. I just can't. I can't. I can't. I want.to die oh god, I do I just want to die. I let them down. I let everyone down.

OP posts:
FebreezeYourJeans · 17/06/2011 20:18

You are anything but selfish, disgusting and horrid.

Listen to yourself, full of guilt and concern for the people you love the most, worried about them and not recognising your own needs. You are unwell and need help! If you had lost a limb you would be expecting help and support from those who love you, this is an illness and you need help now.

Do you have any parental support, a best friend, anyone you can go to tonight to cry with and be looked after and to help you make a plan of action to get the support you need?

Oh and Potty-Schmotty she's 2 and it's raining so no need to rush into that right now!

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 17/06/2011 20:22

Who is with your children right now? Can you find someone to watch them and spend a little time with a friend or with DH?

If you can't bring yourself to talk to DH or someone else you know, please call the Samaritans now.

Onemorning · 17/06/2011 20:26

OP, please speak with someone. You could call the Samaritans, you can email them too - [email protected]

You're not a bad person - you've got depression. It's a horrible illness and it takes you to very dark places. You're not letting anyone down.

B4Beatrice · 17/06/2011 21:06

You still there OP?

Is there anything will can do to help? From a pratical POV?

Original poster
CanTakeNoMore · 17/06/2011 22:27

I'm Here. I walked out but came back. See I'm a cunt, I literally left.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 17/06/2011 22:32

I'm glad you're back.

Where did you go, are you all right?

Empusa · 17/06/2011 22:34

You came back. That's the important bit.

You said you're taking antidepressants, are you seeing a counsellor?

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