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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what name concoction you came up with?

31 replies

bluemoongirly · 13/06/2011 09:55

Hi
Im about to start planning my wedding.
I am determined not to lose my name.
However i am still arguing the point with DP...he doesnt mind he says but always tries to change my mind.
If we have children i would like them to have my name as a middle name...im compromising my beliefs by letting any children have his name but appreciate his argument of paternal parentage being questioned more than maternal.
i dont want hypened....so what did you compromise on?

OP posts:
itisnearlysummer · 13/06/2011 09:59

We debated this and in the end I changed my name. I quite liked the fact I got to completely reinvent myself as a person! Like a secret agent or a superhero.

There are people who knew me under my 'maiden name' who couldn't find me now and vice versa.

Before we married the children had my name - they both changed once we were married. The cynic in me decided he'd be more likely to leave me with the children than I was to leave him so the children had the same name as me.

NervousAboutTheParty · 13/06/2011 10:00

I felt the same way as you when I got married I did not change my name.

However, when I was about 6 months pregnant I changed my name to my husband's and took my old surname as a middle name and gave that name to my DC as a middle name too.

My husband has a very unusual and lovely name but if it had been less so then I think I might have kept my name and then hyphenated the DCs.

I don't think my DH would have minded what we did.

Good luck with the wedding planning.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 13/06/2011 10:02

thats a good point, my brother's friend dad left and so he at 21 has changed his name to his mother's.
But i just cannot bring myself to change mine, i may add it in as a middle name as i dont have one...and i would like DP to do the same (but he wont)

OP posts:
Original poster
bluemoongirly · 13/06/2011 10:03

And thanks nervous but it's mine that is very unusual and i think its a big part of me and i dont want to have to give it up

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 13/06/2011 10:04

I didn't change my name when I got married but when we had children We both wanted to have a family name. So we came up with a brand new surname that both DH and I changed to. It's been a bit of a pain to be honest, but I really like it anyway. Smile

TidyDancer · 13/06/2011 10:05

You want DP to add your name to his, is that what you mean? I don't blame him for not wanting to, same as I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to either.

FWIW, I will take DP's name when we get married. Our DCs already have his name because I didn't want to pass mine on, so we will all have the same name some time soon. DP himself has his mother's name, she refused to give her DH's name to the children!

CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 10:06

Hi Blue, I have a doubled barrelled name and my husband and children just have his name....much to my displeasure, but they do have my name as their second middle names. One of my dds told me the other night that she would like the same name as me and so I'm thinking of changing hers.

I would like to have kept just my name and my dds have mine and boys have their Dad's.

CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 10:06

Such.....I love that idea!

Psammead · 13/06/2011 10:07

Is your maiden name important? As in, a professional name or so? Or you just don't want to change to his name?

If the latter is true, would you both consider changing your names to something entirely new?

itisnearlysummer · 13/06/2011 10:08

I suppose it depends how attached you are to your name.

Tbh, I wasn't really bothered about losing my name - some unhappy childhood memories; name wasn't hugely attractive. I quite like my new surname. I suppose if I hadn't (and I can think of previous boyfriends whose names I certainly would not have wanted!

DH liked the idea of us all having a brand new surname and starting a whole new family name....

we didn't do that though!

KittieCat · 13/06/2011 10:08

We married and I kept my name and dc (born years after we were married) has it too... Women are not chattels to be passed from father to husband, to my mind it's an outmoded tradition for a woman to be blithely expected to lose her surname if she doesn't want to. Get me! Sorry... (steps off high horse).

itisnearlysummer · 13/06/2011 10:10

Ooh, now I've seen that people did start a completely new family name, I wish we'd been braver now and done it!

I love the idea that you're such a tight unit that you deserve a whole new identify.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 13/06/2011 10:12

Tidy i dont have a middle name so am quite happy to add his surname as my middle as a compromise...but he wont do the same for me.

I am a teacher so its as important as you make it.

And i like my name...would never take a man's and dont really agreee with children only having their fathers name.

DP wont consider a new name...he jsut wants any children to have his which i think is unfair if im lucky enough to have a child...i will have carried it why cant it have my name?

OP posts:
COCKadoodledooo · 13/06/2011 10:17

I changed my name. My boys have my maiden name as a second middle name.

KittieCat · 13/06/2011 10:18

My arguments exactly bluemoon. I made my case before we got married and then made it again when dc arrived... Really difficult situation though, as there really isn't much room for compromise and unless you go double barrelled (which I personally didn't like) it's one name or t'other as surname and thats that. Difficult one...

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 13/06/2011 10:21

Well im struggling as my DP's brother is getting married this week it has come up in conversation...both my parents and his disagree with my standpoint.

Even though my own mother had similar issues with all my grandparents over "obey" in her vows thirty years ago

OP posts:
moonbells · 13/06/2011 10:26

Funny, there's a similar thread going on elsewhere...

We double-barrelled ours. The order of surnames was purely alphabetical (I was fed up of being at the end of the alphabet!) and as an only female child, my family name would have disappeared under the traditional system. My parents were quite pleased at our solution.

The chap who was our wedding organist had such an unusual surname that we asked him where if came from, and he and his wife had invented it from their old names, and then both changed.

Wouldn't have worked for us, sadly - our existing surnames were a bit too boring! But I'm glad we did what we did (though we're the only people on Facebook with that name...)

Course it does beg the question, what happens if DC wants to marry/partner another double-barrel? Grin I did once know a triple-barrel, but...

moonbells · 13/06/2011 10:27

*it

KittieCat · 13/06/2011 10:30

Again, same here with parental standpoints. Both arguments are valid but tradition is on the side of your DP... although I felt the basis of that tradition. (ie women as possessions) strengthened my case for dc and I using my name. Dh was welcome to change his but has thus far resisted! Hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 13/06/2011 10:33

Well thats what i said Kittie...if he wants us to have the same name he can take mine...i think this response was a few expletives mixed with the word balls

OP posts:
aliceliddell · 13/06/2011 10:34

Agree bluemoon. I'm not married; told dp if we could get divorced, he'd get an ex-wife; this way, he'd get a stalker. dd has my last name. So a lot of people assume dp being her dad has the same name because we're married so must all have his name. By this chain of conventional assumptions they've arrived at the least conventional result in a way. Some married friends hybridised half of each name into a new name.

exexpat · 13/06/2011 10:34

I kept mine but didn't make a huge fuss about being called Mrs DH's name in casual social situations by people who knew DH but not me. Likewise he didn't mind being Mr MyName in some situations.

I did get a bit annoyed with some family members, particularly PiLs who never really accepted my choice, and would post things, eg birthday cards, addressed to me just with my first name rather than use my whole name. Since DH died they have finally started using my proper full name.

DCs have DH's surname but mine as a middle name - not double-barrelled but they could use it as that if they wanted.

I have some friends who use their own name at work and husband's name at home, but that can cause difficulties if you are travelling on business but your passport/driving licence/credit cards are in your family name, or vice versa if you are travelling with your family but everything is in your own name. Even worse if the documents are a mixture - people assume fraud.

ForeverNamechanging · 13/06/2011 10:35

I kept my name when i got married

Our children have mine as a middle name and their dads surname

aliceliddell · 13/06/2011 10:38

Sorry, x post so it looks like I'm agreeing with something else I think

BelleEnd · 13/06/2011 10:38

I kept mine and tagged his on at the end. He had changed his from his father's surname to his mother's a few years before (his father was rubbish) and I wanted to take his mother's name.

My children have his surname, but both DCs have forenames after people in my family.