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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask advice about this tricky sexual topic...

48 replies

dirtyoldwhore · 10/06/2011 18:59

I posted on health half an hour ago and no replies - too slow...

No judgypants please.........

17 years ago I caught genital herpes off my then boyfriend. I later got married and have since separated - told my ex dh before we did the deed so he could make informed decision.
I have been on my own for 4 years and now have possibility of actual meeting of a man through dating site and possibility of sex! Do I wait until I meet him and see if we fancy each other or do I tell him before so he can decide if he wants to meet or not? We have done the usual e-mail/texting/phoning and both keen to meet - been slightly flirty but not too rude...

Any suggestions on the etiquette of telling about STDs?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2011 19:00

Wait to see if you fancy each other first, no point telling him if it's not going anywhere.

BitOfFun · 10/06/2011 19:01

Please change your name. That's my advice.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 10/06/2011 19:01

Glad that things are going well with your new man. I would personally wait until you meet him and then see how things are before you tell him.

Good luck.

SuePurblybilt · 10/06/2011 19:02

What Bof said.

honeybee007 · 10/06/2011 19:02

I agree with lying see how it goes, if sex is definitely on the cards be upfront like you have been before. Hope your date goes well op

Original poster
dirtyoldwhore · 10/06/2011 19:08

Problem is he would have to travel 100 miles to see me and that feels unfair? but i would prefer to do it face to face - if it puts him off, do I offer petrol money :o

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 10/06/2011 19:09

I agree with the others - wait until there's a real possibility of doing the deed and then tell him. Genital herpes isn't hugely contagious but it isn't always stopped by condoms so you need to let him know that. I'm also putting in a vote for you to change your name.

WriterofDreams · 10/06/2011 19:10

Is it likely that you're going to sleep together on the first date? If it is then I suppose you should tell him before he visits.

heleninahandcart · 10/06/2011 19:10

Read a newspaper article last week. They suggested waiting until you know it's probably going to happen and telling them before you get anywhere near sex. Suggested a neutral or light tone. Hope it works out

Original poster
dirtyoldwhore · 10/06/2011 19:13

I will definitely change name - can i use yours Bitoffun....and good advice....no sex on first date...but its been soooo long....:(

OP posts:
honeybee007 · 10/06/2011 19:16

I hadn't noticed ops name, I'm another vote to change it. Also, if you think you are likely to have sex on a first date then tell him beforehand so he can research if he wants to.my dad is Internet dating at the minute, it's a minefield of crazy people but there are nice genuine people too, if your man is one of these and you're honest with him hopefully things will progress :)

honeybee007 · 10/06/2011 19:16

Oops sorry have xposted op

Mumcentreplus · 10/06/2011 19:29

Impureancientharlot?

Filthyveteranfloozy

my personal favorite:

Muckymatureminx Wink

passivelyaggresive · 10/06/2011 19:42

am i right in thinking that genital herpes is only catching if you have an active infection? Wont you be practising safe sex anyway? I think if you like him, then you have to bite the bullet and tell him, and then tell him you wont be infectious etc. He might be a bit Shock at first, my friend had herpes and has gone on to have two lovely children so im presuming they were able to have unprotected sex.

Please chnage your name though

AmyStake · 10/06/2011 19:58

Passively, the virus can "shed" which means its infectious while inactive. This is true of cold sores and genital herpes.

Another Shock at op's name

spatchcock · 10/06/2011 20:16

There are dating websites exclusively for people with genital herpes - maybe you could see if there's one for your area??

Not sure how you'd want to play it later on with the 'how we met' stories though...

Original poster
dirtyoldwhore · 10/06/2011 20:58

Big Thanks for all the advice :o - I am a bit miffed you don't admire my name :( so, I will take up Mumcentrplus on her lovely suggestion of Impureancientharlot, as harlot is a great word...

Just wondering if I'm alone in having this problem - no one else admitting to it?

OP posts:
passivelyaggresive · 10/06/2011 21:09

im sure you are far from alone, as i say a friend of mine had it, she does get relapses, i have to say i didnt ask her about how her DP and her get around it. I think people are alot more aware of STDs these days and realise that actually, you dont have to be a dirtyoldwhore to get them, just unlucky and a bit lax with your contraception, but lets face it how many people on here have been 100% in that department, i know i havent Blush

whackamole · 10/06/2011 21:09

Herpes isn't contagious unless you have the sores. So, I would hang fire on the meet if you have them!

I'm not sure I would admit it immediately though, does that make me a bad person?

And unless that is your RL name I say keep it Grin

somethingwitty82 · 10/06/2011 21:27

Anal?

redexpat · 10/06/2011 21:38

There was an article about this in the guardian yesterday...

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/jun/07/owning-up-to-an-sti

Ta-da!

BitOfFun · 10/06/2011 21:46

I know the anal thing is a joke, but jeez, no, that won't help at all

somethingwitty82 · 10/06/2011 21:50

I fail to see how not.

She simply saddles up into her strap on, he bends over, awkward chat avoided.

No need to thank me

Mumcentreplus · 10/06/2011 21:52
BitOfFun · 10/06/2011 21:54

Ah. Yes, I can see how that might work...