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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws....long sorry

30 replies

flaxensunshine · 07/06/2011 22:16

I dont have a fantastic relationship with my inlaws due to many things that have happened in the 12 years that me and DH have been together/married, but we tend to just get along for the sake of DH.

FIL had a massive heart attack on thursday last week...totally unexpected, he is only 59, not overweight etc. He was rushed to hospital, and me and Dh spent the whole time between then and now between work and the hospital. MIL is deaf and is unable to communicate with the hospital, so that has all been down to me and DH, and then for us to let everyone else in the family updated etc. MIL has been hysterical as she tends to look on the bad side of everything. I have had her here to stay, cooked for her etc, and I work full time and have DS 13, and DD 8.

Now I was happy to do all this as it was a dreadful time, and we were all really worried. FIL is now home, all ok and has had 3 stents in his arturies. he is tired but will make a full recovery.

We are due to fly to Majorca next tuesday on holiday, (which was up in the air whether we would go or not) and I have as always DONE EVERYTHING for this holiday, both DH and me work full time, but it has been down to me to shop for everything, organise everything (passport renewals etc) and just generally organise the holiday.

DH has thursday off work and has said he will be spending the day over at in laws....thats fair enough, he has obviously had a real shock and wants to spend time with FIL.

But then he says we are all going for the weekend aswell!!! Now i am not being funny but the weekend is the last chance we have to get verything sorted for the holiday....packed, last things purchased, house cleaned etc and i dont have time to go to inlaws ofr the weekend!!!! So he says he will just go on the sunday with the kids and I can do everything....as per bloody usual.

AIBU?????????????????

OP posts:
Hassled · 07/06/2011 22:19

Yes - sorry, I think you are. Your DH must have had a hell of a shock, his mother must be beside herself, especially if she's normally a panicker. It's not like he's buggering off and leaving you with the kids - you'll be able to get what you want done in peace.

duckdodgers · 07/06/2011 22:23

Yes YABU. If it had been 1 of your parents who had a heart attack wouldnt you want to see them before you fly off on holiday? Hmm

basingstoke · 07/06/2011 22:24

Yes, you are. He is probably squashing the worry that it will all happen again while he is out of the country. Of course he wants to spend the weekend there.

babytantrums · 07/06/2011 22:24

I don't think you are being completely ur. However, you can't blame him for wanting to spend time with his dad (my da had his first heat attack at 40 so I know a bit about them!) and let's face it, you'll probably get more done without the dc's in the way.

I think most women end up doing everything for holidays anyway, so will it be that different than it usually is? I feel your pain though- but my dh would do nothing and be underfoot.

Sorry, but I hope your holiday is great and you'll definitely have earned itx

Original poster
flaxensunshine · 07/06/2011 22:25

But as I said he is spending the day with them on thursday and he has done bugger all towards this holiday, I literally have had to do everything whilst working full time too, plus I do everything in the house but thats a different story.

I am happy to go for the weekend when we get back but i think he shoud be helping me this weekend!!!

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 07/06/2011 22:26

yabu, it's a hoilday if something is not packed then it's not packed.

the housework can wait till you come back. and thats coming from a clean freak

Nixea · 07/06/2011 22:28

YABU - imagine if it was reversed and it was one of your parents who had been seriously ill. How would you like your DH stopping you from seeing them before going away for a week?

Sounds like you have deeper issues than this tbh but it would be nice of you to be supportive to your DH who must have been through hell.

basingstoke · 07/06/2011 22:28

I think the time to address the fact that you do everything for your holidays (and I think you should address it) is probably not shortly after his father has had a massive heart attack and he wants to spend some time with him.

ratspeaker · 07/06/2011 22:28

Oh No, you cant ALL go
Its too much stress for your poor FIL after coming out of hospital...
In fact DH should limit his visits not to tire the FIL out

add too much noise, not able to rest etc so kida can stay home and help you

Your DH is bound to be worried about his dad and will want to check up before you all go away

dont worry about spring cleaning your house , it will be there when you get back
Pack clothes but as long as you;ve got tickets and passports you can fill in when you get there
enjoy the holiday
deal witht he rest later

FakePlasticTrees · 07/06/2011 22:29

What do you need to get done? Is it shopping or are you talking about washing/ironing/packing? What do you need to do that's going to take all weekend?

If it's shopping, what do you still need? Is it stuff that can be bought on a Boots run (send DH in his lunch break tomorrow with a list?) or a supermarket (again, send DH with a list tomorrow night after work).

Washing/ironing/packing - ok, now you don't need a whole weekend to do that, do you? Really, get the washing on the next couple of days, make a list of what you want to pack, then collecting it up and putting it in the bag will only take an hour or so. Make the list now so you can see if there's anything you're missing and pick it up over the next few days rather than packing being an event.

For reference, DH always does his own packing for going away, last time we went for a fortnight, it took him a grand total of 35 minutes to pack everything, and that included hunting round for his flipflops. I take a lot longer, but then i angst about what i'm packing.

takethisonehereforastart · 07/06/2011 22:30

It's not really an In-law thing then, it's a DH leaving you to do everything thing.

And so no you are not being unreasonable if you both work full time and he's expecting you to organise everything alone.

But possibly, if he goes with the children, you will be able to get everything done a lot faster and better. And he will be with you on Saturday so you could get him to do a few things himself.

Original poster
flaxensunshine · 07/06/2011 22:30

wow this is the first time i have ever properly posted here, and although most of you have not said what i want to hear.....I am hearing you.

OP posts:
Dappylittlemomma · 07/06/2011 22:31

how much do you really need to sort for the holiday? - House would survive without a clean, maybe you should see would can be cut out doing. If spending the w/end with his folks would make your husband able to relax more and enjoy the holiday it would be best for you also. He probably will be feeling bad about leaving them to go away on holiday.

ratspeaker · 07/06/2011 22:31

You are not BU to feel miffed at being the only person organising and doing the work
but under the circumstances let your DH go to his parents

AFTER the holiday will be the time to talk about how to organise the next trip away
delegate
ask him to do stuff
give him a list if needs be

FakePlasticTrees · 07/06/2011 22:31

Oh, and if you've got your tickets, your passports, your toothbrush, your swimming cossie, at least one change of pants each and your credit card, you'll surive forgetting anything else.

Inertia · 07/06/2011 22:33

I think under normal circumstances you'd have every right to expect him to pull his weight. But these are not normal circumstances, and it sounds as though the issue of his lack of help is a long term issue - now is not the time to tackle it.

Seriously, let him go on Sunday with the children- they will all feel happier for seeing each other and you'll probably get more done alone.

Nixea · 07/06/2011 22:33

If it's any consolation it could be so much worse. When I stared reading your post I thought you were going to say that now DH didn't want to go away at all.

I know the packing is a pain in the arse but at least you'll have time to wind down and recuperate soon.

squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 22:35

You will find it easier getting everything done while they are all out of the way. Dont worry about cleaning, it really doesnt matter.

I always do the packing before we go away. The deal is, on the last day of the holiday when the apartment has to be cleared and the clothes etc put back into the suitcases, I am to be found finishing off my tan while husband does all of that. Its easy for him because he knows that everything has to be packed.. and I get to relax while he runs around doing it all.

Hope your FIL makes a quick recovery too. :)

blackeyedsusan · 07/06/2011 23:18

you are tired, you are stressed, you are coming down from an adrenaline high of having to do this that and the other... there is a history of him not helping so i can see why this is sooo annoying, but this time seeing his parents should be a priority. you can metaphorically kick him up the backside next year.

and when you get back sort out some way of sharing the house work

ScarletOHaHa · 08/06/2011 10:25

YABU - I would be delighted to be left alone without kids to get on with it. I would see this visit as my OHs job. Just do what is necessary for the hols; fluff and fold is possible Wink.
You have all had a stressful time. Have a great holiday.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 08/06/2011 10:29

poor inlaws

yes, you are being selfish - if it was your husband who had the heart attack, would you expect your kids to swan off on holiday without seeing how your husband was first

TheHumanCatapult · 08/06/2011 10:36

At a later date discuss the fact that you always have to deal with the holiday stuff.Not now becuase right now he is scared and i suspect evne on holiday he will be nervours and wondering how is dad is

But your Dh is probably scared stiff that something may happen and is pprobably a wake up call to him that his parents are getting older

iscream · 08/06/2011 10:43

Yabu, sorry. Some people may have cancelled their holiday, at least he still plans to go. Your husband would resent you if you were to begrudge his that time and your fil were to pass away while you are gone.

Don't worry about packing, I do mine often 2 hours before we leave. Focus on how you will soon be on vacation and be able to relax.

pingu2209 · 08/06/2011 10:54

YABU. 1 day with his father is not all that much when he knows that he will be away for 2 weeks, all at a time that there has been a huge shock for the family. You will win far more brownie points and have a much nicer holiday if you just let him go with all your blessing. If you have a 2nd car, perhaps you could go over just for a tea or coffee in the morning to show your face.

It is not all that uncommon for wives to do all the sorting for holidays. Most wives I know do it. It is bloody annoying but this is not the time to pick up on this.

If anything happened to your parents, you would just want your husband to put his arm around you and say you will support him all he needs. It is only for a few months and then things will settle down.

HorseWhisperer · 08/06/2011 10:58

The HumanCatapult is correct. Clearly there are issues concerning division of labour in your household which need to be discussed, however this is not the appropriate time for your husband. Think about how he is feeling. My father is very sick and it was very traumatic. Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the fear and worry. I spend as much time with him as possible. I want him to know I am here because I know my presence (and that of my children) makes it a bit easier for him.

I am sorry for your FIL and hopes he gets better soon. Please give your husband as much support as you can, it will mean a lot.