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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stealing?!

49 replies

Halbwahrheiten · 06/06/2011 11:42

I paid for repairs to our car two weeks ago, and was subsequently left with very little money in my account, which has now been eaten by various things.
I was driving with both kids in the car, and the petrol was into the reserve tank.
I got half a tank of petrol and paid for it with my husband's business account card (which I have with me because I do some stuff for his business that needs paying for every afternoon).
I forgot to mention it to him when I saw him hours later, and completely forgot about it until he just called and asked why the hell I was stealing money from him to pay for petrol?
STEALING?! really?
I am rather peeved at his choice of words. [/understatement]
AIBU (partly because he's been acting like a prick lately)?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/06/2011 11:47

YANBU... It's sad when a relationship breaks down to the point where people are calling each other thieves and pricks, but it happens.

WriterofDreams · 06/06/2011 11:51

YANBU. That is a ridiculous thing to say. Why is he being a prick?

shirleyshortcut · 06/06/2011 11:52

to be honest his business account isnt an extension of your overdraft

kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/06/2011 12:01

YANBU. I would be very offended if my DH told me I was stealing.
Why didn't he pay for the car repairs out of his business account?

iliketea · 06/06/2011 12:07

YANBU about his choice of words, stealing is a bit excessive.

But, maybe he wants to keep the household and business expenses separate and just didn't say it a more pleasant way?

jaffacake79 · 06/06/2011 12:10

I'd be annoyed if dh had used my business account card for something without mentioning it to me, but that's to avoid any confusion when it comes to balancing the accounts. I wouldn't call it stealing though!
Maybe he's got other stuff going on today and didn't phrase it in a better way?

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 06/06/2011 12:11

Cogito - You are right. unfortunately, that's where we are right now.

writer - I have been really struggling with PND, and he basically told me it's my problem and I need to sort it out, because what I do during the day when he's at work isn't his concern right now. But at the same time I am to keep the house clean because he doesn't like coming home to a house that's messier in the evening than it was in the morning when he left. I should spend less time with my friends because then I'd have more time to clean the house, and also, I apparently only spend so much time with them at the moment because it means I don't have to deal with our children.
My friends are the only thing that is keeping me from wanting to kill myself at the moment. Or from dropping everything and running far, far away.

shirley true. but we do use it for other expenses, when it suits him. He paid for a whole tank of petrol with it on saturday night when he went for a 90 minute drive (one way) to the pub with his brother. He doesn't pay himself a wage and normally says that these expenses are his wages and contribution to our household.

kreecher because he didn't want to lose £700 in one go.

OP posts:

TotallyLovely · 06/06/2011 12:19

Oh your relationship sounds awful right now! I'm so sorry.

It's not just the petrol is it. I mean he shouldn't be calling you a thief and should have instantly assumed that you had forgot to tell him, I would have and so would my DH, we wouldn't automatically assume the other person was trying to steel for us, in fact it would never even enter our minds!

The PND thing . . . again I'm so sorry he is that unsupportive of you. I was depressed and suffering from an anxiety disorder after the birth of my children and every minute or every day was a struggle. My DH though put no pressure on me to get things done around the house and was in fact brilliant. It was a couple of years before I was able to tidy up (yes I was that bad) and have a dinner waiting for him and he never complained . . . well he didn't like the mess but never blamed it on me but would tidy up himself despite working long hours. He really looked after me.

Do he think you are the cleaner or something. I was the same, spent a lot of times out with friends with similar aged children as that was a real help with me getting through the day. To take that away from you would be disasturous and nasty of him.

Why is he so horrible?

TotallyLovely · 06/06/2011 12:21

Excuse all the mistakes!

WriterofDreams · 06/06/2011 12:31

Oh Halb you poor thing. This is about far more than the money isn't it? Do you have any professional support from your HV or GP to help with the depression?

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 06/06/2011 12:36

I have some support, I'm under the care of the mental health team here and all the HCPs are aware of the problem.

I don't know if it's about the money - work seems to be far more important than family life at the moment, we barely see each other and his business is like his baby.
He says I'm pushing him away because of the PND, but there isn't much to push away because he is never here these days anyway. might as well pack up and leave, he probably wouldn't even notice.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 06/06/2011 12:39

Does he understand your illness or do you think he thinks you just need to "pull yourself together"? From what you've said it sounds like he's making your life harder rather than easier.

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 06/06/2011 12:59

he is. and I am so tempted to walk away right now.

he has suffered from depression in the past, but I think he is refusing to see things as they are right now. he thinks I am just finding it hard to adjust to life with 2 DCs..

OP posts:

TotallyLovely · 06/06/2011 13:23

Kick him out and live by yourself for a while.

Compeltely crap advice but then he's being a completely crap husband so I can't help but think he deserves it.

TotallyLovely · 06/06/2011 13:25

. . . sorry, that's not helpful. I just can't believe how little support he is giving you when you so obviously need it and he's suffered depression himself so knows what it's like!

Maybe a huge kick up the bum conversation with him? Tell him how much he is letting you down?

WriterofDreams · 06/06/2011 13:27

I don't blame you for wanting to walk away. How are you getting on with the day to day stuff, just looking after yourself and the kids?

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 06/06/2011 21:19

I manage to look after them and the house, just. Both kids are well fed (with lots of biscuits and cake thrown in when we have it, because it makes my life easier), have their nappies changed when they need it, wear clean clothes and get cuddles when they want them. the house is clean enough.. myself.. well, I'm lucky if I manage to eat more than toddler's leftovers before dinner, go to the loo once a day and sneak showers before they wake up in the morning. that's on a good day.
On bad days I can't deal with anything. today I had to pack them in the car and cry on a friend's shoulder because all this was just too much.

I think if I have enough energy/strength tomorrow I might let him know how close I came to leaving today.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 07/06/2011 08:07

How are you doing today Halb?

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 07/06/2011 10:27

I'm on a slow boil. have some plans for the afternoon and also see my GP for AD prescription, so there's a lifeline.

And he's buying me lunch today.

I'm currently ignoring the washing up in the kitchen, the heap of laundry upstairs and the fact that toddler-monkey has turned over a bowl of dry coco pops on the floor. Not doing it today. didn't yesterday afternoon either and he tidied and hoovered when he got home.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 07/06/2011 12:34

It's good that you're going to the gp. Have you been on ADs before?

WriterofDreams · 08/06/2011 10:32

you ok Halb? how did it go with the GP?

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 08/06/2011 15:40

yeah, i'm ok (as it goes), trying to be in the house as little as possible at the moment. stops the walls from closing in and the toddler from making too much of a mess.

the GP was brilliant, and she said she was glad I'd decided to go down this route, when I saw her last week I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go back on ADs, but after this weekend it has put a few things in perspective. I'd rather not feel anything than to feel as shit as I am at the moment, if that makes sense..

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 08/06/2011 15:45

Yeah it totally makes sense. Have you been on them before? I found ADs brilliant when I was depressed. It took them a while to kick in - I'd say it was about 2 months before I felt a real effect - but once they did they gave me the headspace to start getting better. I was only on them for 6 months and they totally did the trick.

Getting out is a really good idea. Sitting at home is a surefire way to start brooding and feeling worse.

Original poster

Halbwahrheiten · 08/06/2011 15:53

I was, about ten years ago, but came off them after about 6 months because I didn't like not feeling anything at the time.. I continued to feel crap for another couple of years, then met my husband and fell madly in love :o

brooding kills me, and I am my own worst enemy..

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 08/06/2011 15:58

Brooding is all part of the depression. When I was depressed I worried and worried and then worried some more about money, to the point where buying a bottle of milk sent me into a panic. This worry was completely unfounded as even though we were both unemployed (temporarily) we had plenty of savings to keep us afloat. I think my mind just needed something to obsess about.

What do you brood over?

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