Stealing?!

[Halbwahrheiten]

I paid for repairs to our car two weeks ago, and was subsequently left with very little money in my account, which has now been eaten by various things.
I was driving with both kids in the car, and the petrol was into the reserve tank.
I got half a tank of petrol and paid for it with my husband's business account card (which I have with me because I do some stuff for his business that needs paying for every afternoon).
I forgot to mention it to him when I saw him hours later, and completely forgot about it until he just called and asked why the hell I was stealing money from him to pay for petrol?
STEALING?! really?
I am rather peeved at his choice of words. [/understatement]
AIBU (partly because he's been acting like a prick lately)?

[Halbwahrheiten]

mostly over keeping secrets. I've always kept everything to myself because my upbringing hardwired it into me that failure is not an option, ever, in any situation. So I kept most of my life, my worries and experiences secret from friends and family, so I wouldn't be seen as failure. It's like self-sabotage. I worry over what I keep secret, maybe what will happen if it comes out, or how to keep it secret more, then I worry about the means I used to cover this (whatever, quite possibly unimportant) thing up, and that I then have to hide the means I used to cover it up, etc etc to the point where I sometimes panic when my husband touches my computer to unplug the powerlead because it's in his way. Every time he does that, I can see my entire life unravelling. I don't even keep that many secrets anymore, certainly nothing important.

written down, that sounds completely bonkers.

[WriterofDreams]

It doesn't sound bonkers at all, not to me anyway. It makes sense really - you were taught not to fail so you worry about people finding out about things that you perceive as "failure." I know my thoughts used to go around and around and around and no matter how much I tried to reason with myself, for example, that if I spent 3 euros on a coffee we wouldn't end up on the street, it just didn't work. Now looking back I realise my thinking was not sensible but at the time I was completely trapped in it.

[Halbwahrheiten]

hopefully it'll resolve along with the depression then.. this behaviour is something that has been driving me crazy for years, even if I didn't generally feel depressed during some of that time.

any ideas how long side effects of the meds can last for? my tongue feels weird, heavy is the only way to describe it, like when you're drunk and trying to talk but slur, only I'm not slurring. (amongst other things which I am blaming on side effects but could just be me)

[WriterofDreams]

I think the side effects vary from person to person. I was on fluoxetine and had very few side effects other than not really wanting to eat and feeling fuzzy from time to time. Both of those things were a damn sight better than how I was feeling.

It was only when I got really depressed that I realised that I had probably been depressed for years. I can honestly say I feel better now that I did for about ten years before I got depressed. I really hope the same thing happens for you :)

[sausagesandmarmelade]

Perhaps he was worried he might lose his job.........

You shouldn't have used it. Apart from anything else it could have got him into trouble...still could!

[Halbwahrheiten]

the lady from the MH crisis team asked me if I had had PND after DC1 and I said no.. then she asked me lots of other things and we came to the same conclusion, that I have probably been depressed for most of my adult life. Hopefully I will start feeling the improvement soon.
I've lost my appetite, too, and 3 lbs in the last 3 days with it...

sausage it's his own business and account.

we put the whole issue to rest today when he got the full statement through rather than just the mini one, and he saw that that was literally the only thing I'd used it for. He thought I'd kept using it for all sorts like food etc. He apologised.

[Xales]

Well I am going to say that if you are using the car for his 'business things' then why should some of the cost of the fuel not come from his business?

[WriterofDreams]

I'm glad the stuff with the money is sorted out. I really hope you start to feel better soon. How's it going today?

[Halbwahrheiten]

so-so. I made a deal with a friend who is also struggling a little to help her tidy her house this morning, and she came round in the afternoon and did the same for me. made us feel like we're not quite on our own doing it, so that was nice.
At the same time I'm still feeling like I'm walking a very thin line between holding it together and losing it. Also not sure I like the side effects of the meds - I can't feel hunger anymore. My stomach doesn't rumble or hurt, so I forget to eat. I just realised I've survived all day on a bottle of cherry coke, when I was wondering why I was shaking like mad and feeling faint. go figure.

[WriterofDreams]

The deal with the friend is a great idea. Small things like that can make the day that bit more bearable.

I totally remember walking that thin line. Sometimes I almost wished I would just lose it as I thought it might be easier than that weird feeling of suspense and tension, and of not knowing whether I would snap or not. Thing is, I never did snap really. I always felt a bit mad but underneath it all my sane mind was still there.

I had the lack of hunger too. DH used to have to give me food and remind me to eat it, which was very unusual for me as I'm quite fond of my food! Do keep an eye on that as lack of food makes you feel so much worse.

Have you talked to your DH much lately?

[Halbwahrheiten]

I have lost it, a couple of times, and I do have to say that my husband has always been there to pick up the pieces when it mattered.

I love food, too, and cooking, but I keep finding that I don't even feel like cooking dinner because I don't feel hungry. forcing myself to eat is a horrible feeling, like when you're trying to stuff more food in when you are already full.

We are on pretty good terms at the moment, he made an effort at the weekend to spend time with the kids and help around the house, which generally improved the atmosphere. I also spend a lot of time out of the house this week, and with friends, which has stopped me brooding and made me feel better, and with me acting less like a hormonal bitch he's been a bit more willing to do things, I think.
But we have been skirting the subject of feelings, or money, or work; there has been some sniping in a sort of half-joking way, but neither of us wanted to take the discussion further than that.

[WriterofDreams]

Yeah eating when you don't want to is the pits. As far as I can remember my appetite did improve as time went on so hopefully that'll happen for you too.

I'm glad to hear that things went well over the weekend. Do you think you need to have a proper talk about feelings, money etc or is it best avoided for the moment?

[WriterofDreams]

How are things today Halb?

[Halbwahrheiten]

so so. I'm slogging along, but I feel tired and sad today. It's been a looong, long day.

[WriterofDreams]

I hear ya. DS has a cold and has been in terrible form today so I'm really really tired. I have choir practice tonight and I don't feel at all like going but I'm going to make myself because I think I need it. How are things with you and DH?

[Halbwahrheiten]

we're okish. he refused to hold DS2 when we got home so I could peel potatoes. Both kids were screaming, and it was up to me to sort it because he didn't feel like "childminding" after working an 11 hour day. I set him straight about the childminding, and we had roast chicken without roast potatoes.
He cleaned up the living room and kitchen while I got the kids ready for the night, and when he found out that I spent all day at a friend's house he had a go because I left the house in a mess this morning (honestly, I did) and he "had" to clean it up, but I still moan at him for not doing anything. Which I haven't, for a while. But apparently asking him to hold his son and saying it's not childminding is the same as moaning he doesn't do anything. I actually said that I'd noticed he'd been doing more around the house and so I haven't moaned for a while, but even that appreciation wasn't enough.
I don't even see the point in arguing anymore...

[mooshkymoo]

hi Halb. Sounds like your partner doesn't seem to get it that (PND or no) looking after children is hard work. i.e. you work every day too!

My partner didn't "get it" at first and made all the same comments regarding the house being a mess, him having been at work all day, me spending too much time with friends, etc etc.

He really "got it" when I went away for two days and DS was ill with a bad cold and teething. I could have punched the air when I came back and my partner told me how hard he'd found it and that it made him appreciate how I can sometimes become demotivated/struggle with getting everything done, every day. Honestly, he said that. (I punched the air as soon as his back was turned.)

It's done wonders for my mental health, not to mention my partner's respect for me and what I do. Is there any way you could get some time off? Preferably with your DH filling your shoes whilst you're away?

[Halbwahrheiten]

Maybe for an evening, but I don't think it would work for any longer... DC2 is ebf still, and I get engorged pretty quickly if I don't feed..
he does know that looking after kids is hard, because he finds it hard. he just doesn't seem to acknowledge that it's just as hard for me..

[fuzzpigFriday]

Bloody hell Halb. I don't think it's a case of 'not supporting you through PND', it sounds like he's causing a lot of it!

What was he like before you had DCs?

[Halbwahrheiten]

he's always been stubborn and hates to be told what to do. since having kids it has turned into only doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. sometimes this can be really sensible, helpful and thoughtful. sometimes it can be sitting on the sofa doing fuck all while the world falls apart around me. it's our main arguing point. It's called growing up and taking responsibility, you're not 20 anymore.
I'm glad MIL is on my side with this, last time I saw her she offered to have a word with him and I said I'd sort it myself, but I think I might just get her to kick mummy-boy's butt.

[fuzzpigFriday]

WoD I totally understand the wanting to break down, it is easier and more comforting just to give in.

Thing is, I know beyond all doubt that if/when it happens to me, my DH will support me. The other day I finally told him I've decided to quit my OU degree for a year. I'm devastated but I just cannot do it right now. I told him I felt I was letting the family down (in terms of future career, earnings etc. He told me to stop being silly and I had to do what's best for me :)

Although OP says her DH has picked up the pieces I'm not convinced he would do it in the best way :(

[WriterofDreams]

I think it might be a good idea to get your MIL to talk to DH Halb. It might make him sit up and listen. I know it's no excuse but I think a lot of men struggle with the fact that once kids come along they just have to keep on their feet, their needs don't come first any more. Women (in general) are better at this I think - they understand that even if they're ill they can't just flop on the couch if the kids need attention, whereas men tend to think "Oh I'm tired" and just not do it, which of course means then that the woman has to do it.

A serious heart to heart is needed I think (if you're up to it). He needs to understand that you need help and that unfortunately the day doesn't end as soon as he gets in the door from work. You do deserve special consideration because you're ill, but even without that he needs to step up and do his share.

[kittybuttoon]

re: the eating thing, Halb. I found that getting big cartons of Innocent smoothies was better than trying to force myself to eat solid stuff when my heart wasn't in it.

Those Ads will soon kick in, I hope, and unless the side effects are serious, stick with them, because they take a few days to work, and the initial side effects usually wear off in a week or so.

Maybe ask your doctor about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (cbt)? Worked for me, and helped me get my OH'[s reactions to my depression into perspective. We are both much happier and more tolerant of each other as a result.

Good luck Babe.