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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go the DIY insemination route?

81 replies

ElizabethDarcy · 06/06/2011 11:16

To cut a really long story short... many years married, most of them we have been trying to conceive, much medical intervention, only option is donor or adoption.

Tried adopting in the UK, not able to. Looking to try donor route, and also contemplating moving abroad so we can adopt. We'd like a large family, and would love giving an unwanted/orphaned child a mum and dad who will love, care for and protect them.

So, due to all the medical intervention I have had for many years (fertility stuff plus I have had another health issue which has got better since I had an operation), we are keen to try the DIY donor route.

I am so tired of being poked and prodded and baring all. We order the little lads, they arrive frozen, we do it ourself at the right time, at home.

Aside from me having an affair (not an option obviously!), this is the only way I will ever be able to have a child, something I have longed for always.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 06/06/2011 11:18

Why wont they let you adopt in the UK?

Malificence · 06/06/2011 11:27

YABVU ( imo) .
Do you think that it's fair to your husband to use another man's sperm though? That any child will be biologically yours but not his?
Why do you want to carry a child that isn't his? It seems like a huge betrayal.

LDNmummy · 06/06/2011 11:30

Also wondering why they won't let you adopt in the UK?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/06/2011 11:35

Steady on Malificence, at no point did the OP say she would not tell her DH about it, in fact he seems to be in total agreement.
OP, if you are certain that the swimmers which will be delivered are free of infection I honestly can't see any reason why not.
Good luck.

Kewcumber · 06/06/2011 11:47

is your question about DI or adoption?

Malificence · 06/06/2011 11:54

I never thought that her DH was out of the loop. Confused
I just don't see how it isn't a massive betrayal to use another man's sperm and give birth to a child that isn't your husband's, just because you want a baby . Why would you want a child created by the DNA of some random man, that is so creepy.
Using donor eggs and sperm would be quite different, psychologically speaking.

skeletonbones · 06/06/2011 12:02

Why would you want a child created by the DNA of some random man, that is so creepy.
what a horrible thing to say! a woman I know had twins using donor eggs and her husbands sperm as she was not producing eggs, is her husband also 'creepy' too or is it only women who used donor sperm that are 'creepy' ?!
Me and my partner are have been TTC a while- he said that if we were to find that his sperm are not functioning he would want to consider the possiblity of donor sperm.
so OP no YANBU you and your partner would be bringing the child up and going through the pregnancy together, DNA isnt the be all and end all.

deburca · 06/06/2011 12:02

Malificence I believe the OP has already discussed same with her DH. How is it a betrayal? They both want a child, dont seem able to conceive naturally - have tried to adopt with no success and now have tried another route. Far from creepy. I find your attitude to it disturbing to be honest. If they both agree whats the issue - why automatically make out its a betrayal when someone has been consulted and agreed to same.

Ur reasoning is just plain weird to be honest.

Op fair play to you - you and your husband seem to be very strong and committed and I wish you every luck in your efforts.

Deb

kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/06/2011 12:03

How would it be different Malificence? If a man has such poor quality sperm that a doner is needed I don't look on that as creepy, just poor luck on the part of the man and better luck inasmuch as there is a solution.

AlpinePony · 06/06/2011 12:06

Many years ago during a man-free time I did some investigations and found these people: cryobank.com/. They have been going for at least a decade now, there are some laws here (and in Europe) that won't allow imported sperm - I just figured I'd have a well-timed "holiday" in the US and give it a bash.

Llanarth · 06/06/2011 12:08

I think it is against the law to do this in the UK (i.e. at home). You have to have your treatment within a licensed clinic, where you will be counselled about the implications of DI and the importance of openess with any resulting offspring.

Onemorning · 06/06/2011 12:08

ElizabethD, we're going through the medical thing at the moment and I am already totally fecked off with being poked and prodded. The whole thing blows. I feel invaded already, and we've only really just started.

YANBU. Best of luck to you and your hubby.

duckdodgers · 06/06/2011 12:12

malificence - Im guessing you dont have children, dont want children or have never had fertility problems then?

Your comments about using donor sperm are quite offensive I feel and I fail to see your logic that donor sperm on its own is gross yet donor sperm and donor eggs together is ok.

Good luck OP just make sure its regulated, a well known womans magazine has highlighted the dangers of unregulated donors recently and this has included women pressurised into sex witht he donors because the donors say this is more "natural".

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 06/06/2011 12:18

Hi, thanks for the replies!

Just to clarify... we BOTH want a child/ren, I am not the only one in this marriage... and it was actually him who said we should give donor sperm a try, so I'm unsure why people assume I might be betraying my DH???, so at least we'd have a child who was half one of us... and anyway, it would be his child in every other way :)

Why we cannot adopt?
(1) Our house isn't big enough (we looked to adopt 3 kids, keeping sibs together...but we only have a 3 bed home.. not big enough apparently)
(2) I am a CM so look after kids (SW said this would be bad as I'd be splitting my time with adopted child and mindees - confusing for adopted child)
(3) We have dual citizenship with another country (and the SW said they weren't happy we might move back there one day and we'd still have to let adopted child have visitation with their biological parents - which I think is loopy..)
(4) I am obese (have lost a lot of weight since last year actually, but hey ho)
(5) We cannot adopt cross racially (there are local black babies and toddlers needing parents!!!)
(6) We are Christian (this was a big black mark against us sadly)

Hence our thoughts to move and to adopt in another country where SW's give credance to the fact we are happily married, don't drink or smoke or have criminal records, both work, financially sound, pretty nice people to be honest - just normal :) And they don't care about the colour of skin.

Re adoption... this is not my question... mine was re doing it DIY as opposed to having it done in a hospital.

OP posts:
SeymoreButts · 06/06/2011 12:25

Wouldn't it be quite tricky to control the thawing process at home? Also, you'd be offered counselling if you chose a clinic?

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 06/06/2011 12:29

I think the UK make is really difficult for people to adopt IME, but was it a specific family you were looking to adopt as surely there were families with less children which need adopting.

As to your OP, if you are sure that everything is above board with the donor and your hubby is in total agreement, I don't see why not.

However, I'm not sure I would have wanted to do it though when it took us an age to conceive.

Have you had IUI/IVF in the UK yet, because I thought you got 1 cycle free on the NHS.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 06/06/2011 12:32

Sorry - to add, I assume you've had all the fertility tests through a GP or clinic because I assume you are certain that it is an issue with sperm and not eggs?

hidingidentity · 06/06/2011 12:32

It probably wasn't a great idea to put this in AIBU!

I have two children via DI (DH had such severe infertility that it was our only option). We are both very happy at the result. Our children are gorgeous, and there have been no problems about the fact that they are donor (so far - we haven't had the hormonal teenage years yet).

However - I think that DI at home is not a good idea. No respectable sperm bank will send donor sperm to a home address, only to a clinic. You are therefore left with dodgy internet businesses, where you have no idea whether the sperm is screened at all. It could be contaminated with HIV. It could contain sperm from someone with the "wrong" race. Basically anything could happen. Sperm from a proper clinic or sperm bank is thoroughly screened for diseases and the donors are properly checked out - over 90% are rejected.

I have a great deal of sympathy that you are fed up with being prodded and poked. I hated it too, and in fact I think that you would have to have some kind of sick personality disorder to feel any other way. But you are risking your health and that of your future child if you don't do this through the proper channels.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 06/06/2011 12:35

What about not trying to adopt three children but one or two and then your house would be big enough. Or move house - much easier than moving abroad.

lateatwork · 06/06/2011 12:35

DIY sperm? I just ask as you said you have been having all the work done- and am thinking embryo insertion a little more tricky at home than say IUI with doner sperm?

Llanarth · 06/06/2011 12:36

"re. doing it DIY as opposed to having it done in hospital"

YABU - the DIY route does not protect your offspring. The 'donor' could retrospectively decide to claim paternity and have a role in your child's life if they wished. Your child would not have the opportunity to find out details of their donor when they reach 18, nor discover if someone they were dating was a half-sibling. Only by having your treatment in a HFEA-licensed setting will the interests of the child met and maintained.

So YABU if you are not prepared to put up with some poking and prodding for the sake of your future child's wellbeing.

hidingidentity · 06/06/2011 12:40

By the way, I also think that you shouldn't have DI without having some counselling first. Not because I think that there is anything wrong with you, but because I don't think that anyone should use donor eggs or sperm without having the chance to really talk it through with someone professional and detached. Fertility treatment with donor gametes is a bit like adoption in that even when you have a baby in your arms, the issue isn't over. You will have to think about how you will talk to the child about it, when to let them know, and all of those things.

We had counselling with a really great woman who dealt specifically with infertility and it was great to help us really make up our minds that this was what we wanted. Donor insemination isn't for all couples, and I can't think of anything worse than getting pregnant in a hurry and then regretting it. :(

hidingidentity · 06/06/2011 12:45

lateathome - you can't do IUI at home either. It increases the chances of pregnancy (over the old fashioned turkey baster), but it involves inserting the sperm into the uterus (through the cervix) with a special syringe. The sperm also have to be washed first, to remove all the stuff that would irritate the uterus, and which the cervix would normally filter out.

ragged · 06/06/2011 12:53

Would you mind saying more about why being Chirstian was an issue? I'm sure I've known Christian people who managed to adopt. What exactly did you say about your religious beliefs?

CrapolaDeVille · 06/06/2011 12:54

Adoption laws are crazy in this country.