to go the DIY insemination route?

[ElizabethDarcy]

To cut a really long story short... many years married, most of them we have been trying to conceive, much medical intervention, only option is donor or adoption.

Tried adopting in the UK, not able to. Looking to try donor route, and also contemplating moving abroad so we can adopt. We'd like a large family, and would love giving an unwanted/orphaned child a mum and dad who will love, care for and protect them.

So, due to all the medical intervention I have had for many years (fertility stuff plus I have had another health issue which has got better since I had an operation), we are keen to try the DIY donor route.

I am so tired of being poked and prodded and baring all. We order the little lads, they arrive frozen, we do it ourself at the right time, at home.

Aside from me having an affair (not an option obviously!), this is the only way I will ever be able to have a child, something I have longed for always.

Cryobank, European Sperm Bank etc. are the only type of place we'd even consider. Where donors are thoroughly screened. I am 100% fine fertility-wise (except for the obese bit), I wouldn't need medical help there. It's not our ideal (of course!), but donor sperm is our ONLY chance at us having a child, going through pregnancy etc.

My physician would have full knowledge of this and we would have whatever counselling she suggested.

This is something we have mentioned to the family in the past and response was mixed. They aren't keen but would support us with whatever we chose to do. My one sibling is very anti it, but he has 3 kids and will go on to have many more, easily... and he doesn't understand the desperation we both feel to have a child. It's been the most trying thing in our marriage.

So... family would not be told we were doing this as we don't need the added pressure/varying opinions. They would only find out were we to be successful and have a child.

'CrapolaDeVille Mon 06-Jun-11 12:54:42
Adoption laws are crazy in this country.'

We were made to feel like lepers, honestly. And we've met many other couples who have had the same happen to them. It's terribly sad, the way prospective adopters are treated in the UK. I speak for England, am unsure re the rest of the UK.

'ragged Mon 06-Jun-11 12:53:09
Would you mind saying more about why being Chirstian was an issue? I'm sure I've known Christian people who managed to adopt. What exactly did you say about your religious beliefs?'

We were asked were we 'practising Christians'... erm, yes we are... and we were asked if we'd take the kids to church... erm... yes, as we go, they'd go. They were not happy with this at all

I also think many SWs assume all Christians are anti gay etc. which is just rubbish.

How did they make it clear to you that they were unhappy with your plans to take the kids to church? What exactly did they say?

hidingidentity... I am so happy it worked for you!!! :)

A friend had this procedure at www.londonwomensclinic.com/... but her BMI was perfect... and mine isn't. So they wouldn't even consider me.

They assumed we wouldn't be making all religious options available to a child. They do seem to pigeon-hole people and make many assumptions.

As a (happen to be Christian) childminder, I tell the kids about all religions, I teach them to respect everyone with 'differences' to their own... those in wheelchairs, wearing burqas etc. I would do the same as a mum, would I not? Very puzzling.

And, belonging to a church is great, community orientated etc. How this would be bad for a child I do not know. Friends of ours (he is an assistant pastor) were turned down too, purely for them working for the church

So the poor kid stays in care :(

What sort of Christian are you?

My friend and her dh are trying to adopt as their first choice. Have been told basically no as not black and (really surprising) no fertility issues. The government adoption people were incredibly negative and made sweeping assumptions about them (I think the phrase hippy was dropped).

Personally I would have donor insemination. I'm not sure I would go for the diy route but if you research it fully and go into it with your eyes open, why not?

OP, I have one child born through DI, and one adopted. Right now I'm struggling to get past the offensiveness of Malifience's post, so I'll confine myself to these comments:

• DI sounds like a great plan to me. If you have a known and trusted donor you can easily do it yourself at home (I did) and actually it is easier to get pregnant with unfrozen sperm. If you don't have your own donor, there are considerable advantages to going through a clinic (screening etc).

• on adoption, you need to be aware that it is a marketplace and different adoption agencies have different priorities and concerns. You don't have to go with your own local authority; you can go to nearby LAs and also voluntary agencies.

• all adoption agencies will look at your health issues very seirously, including your weight.

• turning you down because you 'only' live in a 3 bed house sounds strange to me. Could they not consider you for one or two children, why only three?

• I can see that working as a CM could be a problem with adopting younger children. I think you would have to take some significant time off your work (6-12 months) to make this work.

• the majority of adopted children in this country do not have direct contact/visitation with their birth parents.

• there is new Govt policy on cross-racial adoption and some agencies are changing their practice accordingly (I met a white woman the other week who told me she is being matched with a black child).

• I don't understand the Christian thing, since many children in the system are coming from Christian families and they do like to match for religion where they can. I take my adopted child to church, have been clear throughout that i would, and this seemed to be treated as a plus not a minus.

Best of luck.

I am mum to two, soon to be three di children, conceived by iui at a licenced clinic. The things that I would have missed out on had we gone diy would be counselling, which I had for free at certain stages and was invaluable in making sure we were informed and ready for treatment and I am sure contributed to why I feel rested enough about my family's origin to deal with some of the more extreme views expressed on this thread, and actually the higher success rate of clinic treatment. Diui itself is a pretty low key treatment, much less involved than ivf and for us no drugs or anything. The clinic staff were delightful-lots of their sensitive comments will stay with me forever and they feel like the biggest advocates and supporters of our way of coming to have a family outside our own families. The other thing is that before iui, the clinic scanned me to make absolutely sure inwas at the right place in my cycle, to double check the results of the ovulation testing kit. You wouldn't get that with diy. We had a very good success rate, but with one attempt, something had gone awry and so we didn't have iui that month, saving sperm and the angst of a pointless two week wait. So do at least investigate clinics. We are so happy, and all is well so far with our family with an oldest of five who understands her origins already at an appropriate level. My husband is the most amazing father who has been there since the conception. I might have carried the children, and be biologically related to them, but three guesses who's more balanced, patient, wise and fun? I don't blame people who misunderstand the whole thing, so often sensationalised, joked about and yukkified, but I don't expect everyone to understand everything I do. After all, I don't understand others either. Good luck whatever you choose to do, I just wanted to tell you how it was for us.

'CrapolaDeVille Mon 06-Jun-11 13:29:50
What sort of Christian are you?'

Not sure what difference it makes? C of E?

'springbokscantjump Mon 06-Jun-11 13:31:03
My friend and her dh are trying to adopt as their first choice. Have been told basically no as not black and (really surprising) no fertility issues. The government adoption people were incredibly negative and made sweeping assumptions about them (I think the phrase hippy was dropped).

Sorry to hear this :( Honestly, the SWs need to learn some people skills. It takes a HUGE amount of balls to make that call to an adoption agency... and then to be treated so shoddily.

Elizabeth, different clinics have different bmi rules, but don't want to suggest I know more about it than you!

Hester, thanks for your lovely post, so encouraging!

We have tried 4 different boroughs and the overall consensus and way we have been treated has been the same. We have been so disheartened by the whole thing.

Re the weight... I am uber healthy regards food, put on tons of weight with steroid use due to an ailment I had, for years. And since getting better from ailment have lost 25% of my body weight since last year. And continue to do so :) I did tell them this but they aren't interested, you're treated as a number... and there is a lot more to me than my bmi.

We cannot afford for me not to work for 6 months, we couldn't pay for the roof over our head! :(

Sorry but you won't be able to do this unless your 'physician' is HFEA-approved.

www.hfea.gov.uk/patient-questions-importing.html

Why can't you lose the weight and go to the London Women's Clinic?

Hormoneoverload that is amazing!!! So good to hear others who have gone this route and had success :)

I (thankfully) am very healthy fertility-wise... am as regular as a clock, wouldn't need any kind of hormone treatment to regulate etc. from what I have read. Hence us even considering doing it DIY, through a long respected donor clinic as mentioned above.

So much to consider aaaahhh!!!!

I have been very roundly insulted by adoption social workers - there is a bit of a culture of disrespect in some agencies, I think. But - I keep saying it because most people don't know it and it's so important - you don't have to stop at one agency, and they do really vary.

A couple of the agencies I called reacted as if I'd offered to poo on their doorstep. But we got taken on by a local authority (not our own) who were thrilled to have us, gave us wonderful support throughout, and we now have a beautiful little girl.

So don't give up on adoption. Though DI - if you and your dh are up for it - will probably be quicker and easier

'Sorry but you won't be able to do this unless your 'physician' is HFEA-approved.

www.hfea.gov.uk/patient-questions-importing.html

Why can't you lose the weight and go to the London Women's Clinic?'

We are aware of this.

London Women's Clinic is the one place we are very keen to use. Have lost loads of weight since last year... but am getting older and will only reach a perfect bmi in 2-3 years at this rate, hence us considering DIY. Time is not on my side...

Oh sorry, just saw we cross-posted. I'm so sorry you've had such a rough ride with adoption. It makes me even more convinced that DI may work well for you. If it doesn't work out, you can always come back to adoption later and see if the agencies have evolved.

I completely understand about having to keep working, but that would be a big problem for many adoption agencies - rightly so. Newly adopted children are very fragile and really need time and space to bond with you, without having to compete with the demands of multiple other children. Remember that most of them will have come from foster care environments.

Hester I am so happy you have your little girl :)

We tried 4 boroughs, only the one treated us with a certain amount of respect... the others treated us (and others) like sub humans. But still no luck for us. We are very anti UK SWs now, sadly... but that is due to experience with them... they've literally brought us to tears, they're so unfeeling, and make you feel like you are not worthy of being a parent :(

Do you know what, Elizabeth, a couple of times I have been on the very verge of telling a social worker that I KNOW this is about the needs of the child, not my desire for a baby, and I KNOW they are underpaid and overworked, but that is no excuse for lack of courtesy, professionalism and downright compassion.

There are some fabulous social workers out there, but also some truly ghastly ones who trample over people right where it hurts

You don't need a perfect BMI to go to the LWC unless rules have changed since I went there. I agree with the other posters (waves to hidingidentity), a clinic is your best option unless you use a known donor.

I have friends who have adopted through a Catholic agency so your religion shouldn't count against you if you go the adoption route. I think agencies may be a bit less dictatorial than LAs from what I have heard.

Sorry, x posted a bit there. One other thing to say - you really need (IMO) to think of adoption like having a baby. In the same way as most women want to try and stay at home as long as possible before going back after having a baby, the same really needs to apply to an adopted child

Thanks Hester. Having chatted to a couple of SWs from this other country, we are keen to deal with them... they are realistic, warm, caring and are crying out for adopters. They're human beings.

I know. I was told 6-12 months no work for me, and this I couldn't do in current home, as am self employed due to my home setting. We could move to a small flat so we could afford this, but then we couldn't adopt siblings as we wouldn't have the rooms they insist on (each child having their own room). I shared a room with my sister till I was 21 years old... it didn't harm me?

No, but adopted children may come with traumatic backgrounds that will make it highly desirable to give them a secure space of their own. One sibling may be bullying another at night time. There may even be sexualised behaviour due to past sexual abuse (which you may not know about at the time of adoption).

Having said which, this is not necessarily insurmountable. We were approved to adopt a girl aged 0-2 in the two-bed flat we shared with our biological daughter. They did insist it had to be a child of the same sex, though. (We have since moved, and I have to say it gives me the shudders that I thought of putting both children together in one room - it would never have worked!)