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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is DH?

31 replies

SixtyFootDoll · 05/06/2011 19:42

DH announces today that he is doing a charity bike ride next weekend (involves staying overnight fri and sat).
we both work shifts and I am working days (0700-1900) both days.
He looks after our two sons when I work.
So I ask him who is going to look after the boys, he just looks at me blankly. I think he assumed I would ask my Mum, I won't be, she has them a lot anyway.

Then he says he will get his mother down to stay for the weekend.
His mum can't drive so won't be able to take the boys to their activites. She also doesn't help out much so I will have to cook for her and entertain her when I get in from work, which quite frankly can't be bothered with after a 12 hr shift.

And don't be sucked into the charity thing, he hasn't got any sponsorship, did the same ride 2 yrs ago and didn't raise any money then either, just went along for the ride.
So whats the verdict.?

Oh and I don't mind him going away normally, he was away last month on a golfing weekend.

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 05/06/2011 19:44

YANBU, a weeks notice is nowhere near enough.

Original poster
SixtyFootDoll · 05/06/2011 19:48

That's what I think but he has a habit if turning things like this around and making me out to be a miserable cow.

OP posts:
PinsAndNoodles · 05/06/2011 19:51

I agree, not enough notice. It sounds like asking your mum is still the best option but you don't want to do it to make life easy for him.

BitOfFun · 05/06/2011 19:51

YANBU. He should have scouted out realistic childcare before he agreed to do it.

Glitterknickaz · 05/06/2011 19:52

YANBU.
Childcare is down to him to arrange, not you now though.

gapants · 05/06/2011 19:53

YANBU, at all, if it were my DH, I would have at least expected that he would have come to me with some sort of plan.

No plan and just an expectation would make me fume.

Hassled · 05/06/2011 19:55

So it's not a charity bike ride at all really, is it? It's just a bike ride. He's being a complete twat - you don't have enough notice to sort adequate childcare so he can't go. It's as simple as that.

SkivingAgain · 05/06/2011 19:55

YANBU - agree with what others say. Anyway, he is not doing anything for charity, only incurring expense with overnight stays and dumping his responsibilities on others. Putting up with insensitive and selfish behaviour makes miserable cows of the best of us!!

Original poster
SixtyFootDoll · 05/06/2011 19:55

I am not asking my mum, she does more than enough already.
If he asks his mum here, it's extra work for me as I will have to cook for her and kids miss out on their activities. I am fuming tbh.

OP posts:
ohhappyday · 05/06/2011 19:56

YANBU - A Few years ago I found myself in this situation frequently. DH is a golfer but couldn't get the fact that He had a young family and a working wife.

He frequently made arrangements for weekends away etc without giving home life a thought. His reaction was the same as your DH's. I couldn't stand this as ds wasn't used to his family and I was always of the attitude that I only wanted them minded by people who were truly happy to have them - not put upon.

We eventually agreed after many many arguments that work for both of us came first and that weekends would be split. TBH things never worked out like this and I always compromised.

Things only improved when DC's grew up and didn't needs minding. I found this the main cause of stress in my married life at the time.

Sometimes when my DH would say he would cancel I often gave in as I didnt want to be seen as a nagging wife and I didn't want him to be resentful.

My only suggestion would be to find a compromise - let his Mum come, see if friends parents could do a bit of dropping off etc but don't do the entertaining of cooking for her. Hopefully then she won't want to come back and he won't be able to do this next time. Good Luck. I share your pain.

gapants · 05/06/2011 19:58

you need to tell him then...sounds like he is off on a Jolly. The MIL thing makes it very complicated....don't know how you can broach that one.

My DH has just finished a charity cycle ride (100miles in one day) emoticon]]) and has been raising money and training for it for MONTHS!

libbylobs · 05/06/2011 20:02

yanbu you are quite right to be put out , when do you get your time , this is out of order . he should have sorted everything out , im mad as he reminds me of my dh . tell him to pissoff, but then i woudnt, god am such a coward .ha ha. x

FakePlasticTrees · 05/06/2011 20:11

Ah, bike rides for charity and fun. DH is still not back from his 100 mile one he went to do today just for fun (gapants, was it the same one your DH did, the Dragon one?) - not really a charity thing, just he fancied a challenge.

He's doing 3 more this year that will require at least 1 night away. However, he'd put all the dates in an e-mail in February so I definately had them. 1 of his rides does fall on days I'm working (he's doing a 5 day one, again, just for a laugh, not really for charity or anything) - but that's in August, we'd discussed childcare back in Feb when he signed up for it and made sure we had something sorted for DS's pick up from nursery (I do drop off, DH does pick up). If he'd just told me a week before hand, I'd be fuming.

OP - tell him he finds childcare that's not either of your parents - if he can't do that, then he can't go. It's not your problem, if he'd given you ample warning, then I'm sure you'd be prepared to help him with his childcare problem, he hasn't so you shouldn't be put out. Oh, and his DCs shouldn't suffer for his hobbies.

didldidi · 05/06/2011 20:36

I would ask him to sort out childcare with his mum and him to sort out getting the kids to and from their activities.

DoMeDon · 05/06/2011 20:44

YANBU but it does seem a bit daft to not even ask your mum. If she'd be happy to do it, I don't see a problem. Having said that, he was irresponsible not to think about childcare and their activities when he 'asked' to go.

DH think he is BU too - said he's taking the piss as it's not even a charity ride.

gapants · 05/06/2011 20:57

fakeplastic no this was for a local charity in Somerset, but quite the coincidence! I think he is amazing and bonkers. He is not into cycling even that much!

TheSkiingGardener · 05/06/2011 21:07

It's HIS responsibility to look after the kids therefore HE has to arrange childcare and getting them to and from their activities without ANY additional burden to you.

Selfish twonk.

TimeWasting · 05/06/2011 21:11

YANBU.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 05/06/2011 22:15

OP - YANBU - not enough notice.

There was a 100 Mile ride in Norfolk as well which my DP did today. Seems to be the day for them doesn't it.

barelyutterly · 05/06/2011 23:13

As an avid cyclist, I would say YANBU. One week's notice is not nearly enough! Neither me nor my DH (also an avid cyclist) would spring this on each other and we don't even have kids yet! We keep a shared google calendar with all the races and events we want to do so we both know about them well in advance, and even then it often transpires when we get closer to the date that it's just not going to happen for whatever reason. There are a million bike races and events and sportives so your DH should suck it up and make plans to do another later in the summer instead, one that you have time to prepare for and approve of.

In fact, tell your DH to take his ~10-hour "charity" bike ride and break it into 5x 2-hour rides instead -- he can find some childcare for the kids during those hours on the weekend and head out for shorter rides. Two days away is ridiculous for you, the kids, and him, given your work schedule. How he can possibly think this is ok is beyond me. My cycling club is filled with guys who go out for rides at 6 or 7am on weekends so they can be back by 8 or 9 to be with the kids the rest of the day, your DH shouldn't be any different. Family comes first.

Though tbh it's not about the cycling, is it? It's about him thinking he can just have a weekend pretending to be single again or whatever. It'd be unreasonable if it was a stag weekend too. Only a major emergency should pull him away from his family at short notice for an entire weekend imo.

moondog · 05/06/2011 23:16

How can he possibly think this is reasonable?
What a cock.
Does he just assume it is your job to sort out care fro them? Eh?

fuzzpigFriday · 05/06/2011 23:17

I'd be fuming too. At the lack of notice and childcare, and his assumption that he can do whatever he wants and you'll pick up the slack.

Do you ever get to bugger off at short notice to do what you want without carefully arranging what'll happen in your absence? Guessing not...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/06/2011 23:41

Reminds me of my bil - it's the willing horse thing though isn't it?

If you manage stuff (work/house hold chores/childcare/etc) usually 'they' (yes generalising here but all men I know are like this!) just let you do it/assume you'll do it as you do usually!

The world would literally stop turning if all womankind got hit by a bus - albeit a very big bus! Grin

also YANBU Grin

Original poster
SixtyFootDoll · 06/06/2011 08:23

Thanks for all your replies.
DH has backed down and has said he won't go, although is quite sulky.

Normally by now I would be feeling guilty for being such a grump and back down, but will be stating strong.

Thatwouldbe...you are right I organise everything so I guess DH thought I would do the same this time.

OP posts:
libbylobs · 06/06/2011 09:59

good for you, keep strong.x

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