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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Common Sense!!!

38 replies

Bongobaby · 05/06/2011 17:33

Can anyone out there answer this question. If dc is going to stay with x partner at his place overnight. Is it so wrong for me to know the address of where dc is staying for safety sakes??? Help me out as I,m being told that this will not happen and I don,t have a right to know!!!!

OP posts:
NJE · 05/06/2011 17:34

YANBU.

You have the right to know where your child is. If he doesn't tell you where he lives don't let him have your child.

NJE · 05/06/2011 17:34

YANBU.

You have the right to know where your child is. If he doesn't tell you where he lives don't let him have your child.

HushedTones · 05/06/2011 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

websticks · 05/06/2011 17:37

You do have the right to know where your dc are staying. I would not let my child stay anywhere that i had not seen and think is suitable. Your ex is being unreasonable.

Yekke · 05/06/2011 17:38

YANBU.

He should have two choices - tell you the address and phone number (and I'd check that he was telling the truth too) or accept that he won't see his child.

StellaSays · 05/06/2011 17:39

Is there any reason why your x would not want you to know where he lives?

Not suggesting this is the case but he may feel threatened by you if the breakup had some bad behaviour. He may also have a new partner who may be afraid of you.

If none of this is the case however he is BVU and of course you have a right to know.

exoticfruits · 05/06/2011 17:39

Of course you have to know! For emergencies if nothing else-imagine if you were rushed to hospital and you had to say 'I have no idea where my DC is staying'. You always need contact details.

Shallishanti · 05/06/2011 17:40

that's quite shocking and suggests he is putting some kind of issue between you at a higher priority than your childs safety- YANBU to want to know where your child is. Assuming child is less than say, 18. Even then would be odd to make an issue of it

Chummybud1 · 05/06/2011 17:41

You absolutely have the right to know, how would he take it if you moved house and refused to tell him where it is,

LaurieFairyCake · 05/06/2011 17:42

When you go on holiday or to stay with friends will you provide your x with all addresses?

His actual day-to-day address surely you have ?

If they are staying at his new girlfriends then no, I don't think you're automatically entitled.

unfitmother · 05/06/2011 17:44

Is this just some random XP, or the child's father?

TidyDancer · 05/06/2011 17:46

Yes, for me it would come down to a simple point of he must tell the address or he doesn't take the child. In a decent co-parenting set-up, there should be no reason to withhold that information.

WishIWasRimaHorton · 05/06/2011 17:46

i took my DC (aged 4 and 2) on holiday to a caravan on the kent coast. told ex that much but did not give him address of park. he didn't ask. if he had, i would have told him. he took them camping in cornwall. i didn't ask name of campsite.

i think websticks saying that you should effectively be able to veto where the kids stay if you think it's not suitable is over the top. he has PR, presumably. it's up to him to decide whether it's safe or not. i wouldn't expect to check out where my kids were going to stay; just as i wouldn't expect my ex to check out where i was taking the kids if i was going away overnight.

doesn't he have a mobile phone that you can contact him? surely if there were an issue, he could phone you?

TidyDancer · 05/06/2011 17:49

I think it's his refusal to give the information that is the most worrying thing. There's either an actual reason for that, or he's playing stupid childish games and prioritising that over his children.

cat64 · 05/06/2011 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shirleyshortcut · 05/06/2011 17:52

maybe OP went at it bull at a gate, demanding to know the full details or else etc etc, got his back up and so he is retaliating

we just dont know

Original poster
Bongobaby · 05/06/2011 17:55

not so, three offical people that should know better!!! Cafcass, Solicitor and a judge are refusing to provide this address and have said that dc will have overnights
contact at said address but sted fastly refused to give me the address!!!!.We split a number of years ago and not once have I been to his old address and only found out that time by dc pointing it out to me when driving past!
Cafcass officer was even asked by her boss to provide the address and she would not even tell them!!
I,m at a loss as to the safety and wellbeing of my dc and feel that I have no say in this matter!!! If I do I only come across as being obstructive by the powers that be. How is it that I am being treated like this for the sake of my dc and not end up in trouble when I speak out???

OP posts:
PinotGrigiosKittens · 05/06/2011 17:56

YANBU. It's non-negotiable imo. If they won't say, don't let them go. Simple.

ivykaty44 · 05/06/2011 17:56

agree with both Tillydancers posts

why if you are both co parenting wouldn't he give you the address where he lives and will be having the children to stay?

it would be mighty odd if he didn't know where his children lived if you where to play the same stupid game, how would he and you pick the children up etc meet in a shopping mall?

Contact for the childrens sake need to be properly set out and everyone being happy with the arrangements and knows what is happening - this is for the safety of the children and there well being

suetheslut · 05/06/2011 17:58

EXCUSE ME, of course you have a right to know. YANBU.

cory · 05/06/2011 18:01

If he is the child's father, then I'd say the same rules should apply as to you when you have them. Would you supply him with addresses every time you go off to stay with a friend? Would it be a safety issue if you didn't?

Of course if there are safety concerns about your particular x, that is a different matter.

But if he is a responsible parent, then it doesn't have to be silly games- it could be a valid desire to be treated as an equal parent, capable of making his own decisions about his own children.

scurryfunge · 05/06/2011 18:02

If his care of the children is in question then you must tackle that issue and that must be your focus.
You both need to pick a third party contact number or person in the case of an emergency and although it is frustrating not knowing I do not think there is too much you can do, if he has been deemed capable of looking after them.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/06/2011 18:04

You quite clearly dont have a right to know If carcass, judge and solicitor won't tell you.

You are being unreasonable and obstructive like you have been told.

IreneHeron · 05/06/2011 18:07

Do you have a mobile contact number in case of emergencies?

cat64 · 05/06/2011 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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