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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be worried / upset for my son?

30 replies

TechnoKitten · 13/05/2011 09:14

Could just be a massive case of PFBitis but am quite upset for him so here goes.

He's 5, started school 2 weeks ago and initially seemed to be settling in fine - came home shattered but reasonably chirpy, talking about some other boys in the class he'd been sitting with & playing with at break times.

Today he says that now he's mostly playing by himself and that none of the other boys want to be his friend any more. When he goes to sit next to them in class they get up and move somewhere else. He doesn't seem bothered unless I try to ask him about it and then when we talk he gets upset and cries.

I don't want him to be the odd kid that nobody likes but not really sure what to do - can't force the other children to be friends if they don't want to be.

Do all children go through this? Do I need to be in the "in clique" of about 6 mothers who all seem to know each other? (class size 14). Hate thinking he's getting so upset about this. I know he can make friends, he has a few mates from nursery who have since gone on to different schools.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/05/2011 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 13/05/2011 09:16

There really is nothing you can do, children try different kids on for size as it were, after a while it will settle down and am sure he will make friends.

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/05/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 13/05/2011 09:20

Talk to to the teacher. Try and get a buddy thing going. Make friends with the parents. Invite kids for tea.

I would do a big intervention/charm offensive at this point.

zikes · 13/05/2011 09:21

It might just have been a bad day and next day all forgotten and back to playing together?

Make sure he knows to go to a playground buddy (or the buddy bench or whatever your school has in place) and have a quiet word with the teacher to express your concerns. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but it's always good to get to know the teacher.

Ask some of them to tea or to play one day?

RoobyMurray · 13/05/2011 09:21

he's only 5. They make and break and make friends so quickly at this age.

bubblecoral · 13/05/2011 09:23

I agree that you can talk to the teacher. She doesn't want an upset child in her class any more than you do, and she should be able to easily understand why you are anxious for your child. She could talk to the class about friendships and kindness and all sorts of things appropriate to that age group, without singling out your child. This sort of thing forms parts of the PSHE that schools should be doing anyway.

scottishmummy · 13/05/2011 09:24

oh its early days,but big hugs to the wee laddie.only 2weeks hes still new and settling.of course you are anxious.have you just moved house or something?

why dont you have a wee do, invite others over for pizza and dvd- act swiftly.invite kids over to yours or meet at soft play or park
invite some pals over have an activity day that includes hi and them.most kids will attend a get together.also lets you meet the mums
can you talk to the teacher,any sensitive teacher will have a strategy

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 13/05/2011 09:27

Have a quiet word with the teacher and see if she can 'buddy up' your child with another. This is what usually happens when a new child comes into school so that they dont feel left out. Like bubble said, its part of PSHE.

Hope your little lad settles in again. It is probably nothing, although understandable that you are anxious over it.

Maybe organise some playdates for the weekend or tea after school with some of the boys. That way you and your child will get to know parents and children in the class.

ScroobiousPip · 13/05/2011 09:29

Agree, talk to the teacher. Also, invite the other children and their parents round for tea - try and crack the friendships outside of school where there is less of a 'pack' mentality.

scottishmummy · 13/05/2011 09:32

have a do, get the class over.in his home environment son will be more confident and he can show off his toys,play etc

and yes some parents are cliquey,but you got to grin and get on with it for the kids.try put it to one side to socialise with other kids

fifi25 · 13/05/2011 09:41

I think there are 'cliques'. My eldest daughter has the same friends she had at preschool and all the mums know each other well. The kids have sleepovers and we help each other with babysitting etc. My dd 7 didnt make friends at preschool, i didnt know any of the mothers who all lived next to each other and were friendly. She struggled for 3 years at school. She still hasnt got many friends at school. At home its better. We live on an estate where the kids go to 3 primarys as their are 2 schools close to each other and the catholic school. She has loads of friends at home the majority being from the other school. She plays with a girl who goes to her school and lives in the next street but they dont play together at school as the other girl is accepted into the group of girls but my dd isnt.

bluepaws · 13/05/2011 09:45

i would say let him find his own way

he will gravitate naturally toward another child when its right

ScroobiousPip · 13/05/2011 09:52

I think that depends on the child's personality, bluepaws. If they are confident and outgoing, a 'sink or swim' approach might work but for others it can be very damaging.

I remember moving to a new village school at about 5 and finding it very hard going because all the other girls all knew each other and were incredibly girly and cliquey (plus things like I could already read and write and wore trousers so stood out as a bit 'odd'). It dented my self-confidence for years - even now I have an inner nervousness around cliquey groups.

Original poster

TechnoKitten · 13/05/2011 11:16

Thanks for replies :)

I will have a quiet word with his teacher on Monday - he does have a class buddy but he's one of the lads that moves away when mine sits next to him. Apparently he was annoyed when mine sat with him the whole time.

He's not joined the class late - the school system is different here in that they start the day after their fifth birthday (so everyone starts at different times of the year). It has its good points.

I honestly don't have an attitude about the 'other mums' who know each other, I suspect their children went to kindy together & so have known each other for a while.

Inviting a few round for afternoon tea sounds a good idea, I'll see if he's keen on it.

He's going to be with these kids for the next 5 years (to Intermediate) so he needs to find his slot somehow.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 13/05/2011 11:24

It's really worth putting in a lot of effort at the beginning to get it off to a good start

spudpudding · 13/05/2011 11:36

found this useful - thanks, but what is pshe? my son also having problems and not happy

scottishmummy · 13/05/2011 16:55

organise a do for your son
low key pizza,dvd,playing
do wee sandwiches etc for the mums
and good luck

zandy · 13/05/2011 17:15

Wee sandwiches.........a bit over the top just becuase you think they are cliquey...........

ok, was a bad joke. i'll close the door on my way out.

But I do agree, mention to the class teacher. They will work on helping him to settle.

sleepingsowell · 13/05/2011 17:28

Agree with those saying talk to the teacher - don't ever feel that you have to sort things for your son in terms of this sort of thing; you're not there, you can't, it's the teacher who needs to be helping here.

She can't help unless she knows there's a problem so do talk to her and ensure you come away with a clear idea of the strategies she is going to use to help your DS.

Inviting other kids round is fine, good idea but teacher is best placed to deal with this.

scottishmummy · 13/05/2011 17:31

its a both and - teacher, and try socialise more with the other kids
a sensitive teacher will know how to address this
there is no harm in a wee class get together esp if only 14 of them.is nice informal way to meet other mums and kids

fairydoll · 13/05/2011 17:55

No he's fine, I think, if he only gets upset when you question him about it.

MCos · 13/05/2011 19:09

I used to hear from DD1 and DD2 when they were this age that they had nobody to play with, that they were always in the playground on their own, etc. But when I asked school, seems that wasn't so. DD2 might have copied DD1 (22 months younger, and seems to remember and copy everything DD1 does). And like your LO, this didn't come up unless I asked who they played with.

I have since heard several other people comment something similiar happed to them when their kids started school. I'm sure I've also seem similar threads on MN.

I wonder if their perception of what went on was different than what actually went on. Maybe it happened for some of the day/play time but not all. But when we ask them, that is all they remember?

But def. talk to the teacher. I did, both times.

troisgarcons · 13/05/2011 19:30

There are various stages where kids make and break friendships...... often the start of 'proper' school is one of those. Kids have been 'enforced' to play with other kids that are their mothers friends, met at play group/nursery etc and they carry on comfort zoning for a term or two ...... by two terms in there is usually a catayst that involves new friendships being made. He's only been at school two weeks.

If you are up for those ghastly play dates, then arrange one. We are coming up to half term - you dont seem to know these mothers so start chatting to one and say that it would be nice to perhaps meet up at the park during the next school break/after school.

The next catalyst will be in Y3 when they move to juniors and the boy/girl divide comes.

Sqee · 13/05/2011 19:44

That is every mothers fear isn't, Gosh how heart breaking for you ((big hugs))

Honestly all I can think of saying is he will make friends eventually just don't talk to much it too much around/too him as he might start questioning himself (and he is still so wee, to wee to be doing that)

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