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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have asked my DH beforehand?

43 replies

Sleeplesssister · 05/05/2011 19:47

Yesterday I needed to go to the dentist. Was given an appointment late morning, just when DD has her lunch. Was going to take her with me and risk a few moans, but friend volunteered to look after her for half an hour and give her lunch. DH is now in a foul mood with me as I did not tell him beforehand what I was doing - DD is 10 months and this is the first time she has been left with anyone other than immediate family member. DH was at work at the time. DD was left for a total of 30 mins, with someone I have known for about a year, and who has a DS of the same age as my DD. Oh and she lives 20 mins away. Think this probably stems from him feeling a bit sore about missing out on time with DD (he works long hours), I understand that he wants to make equal parenting choices but crikey, does that mean he has to end up controlling every aspect of my life? AIBU? When did you first leave your DC? Oh and she has no separation anxiety yet (touches wood) and was apparently fine while I was gone.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 19:49

no yanbu!
you don't need his permission to allow someone else to look after your own daughter.
how very bizarre

PumpkinBones · 05/05/2011 19:52

YANBU. Mine were with a childminder at this age Grin

If she was 10 days old I could understand him being a bit twitchy (I would have been twitchy!) but at 10 months I wouldn't expect it to be an issue. And "foul mood" is a big overreaction on his part.

Sleepwhenidie · 05/05/2011 19:53

definitely not BU! Why would you expect him to take time out of his day at work to babysit when you have a perfectly good alternative? I think most DH's would more likely be Confused if you asked them about this, so give him the benefit of the doubt and just assume he is being over-protective this time and maybe arrange lunch or something with a friend on the weekend so you have a break and he gets some quality time with DD?

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 19:55

actually, what you should do tomorrow is just ring him every single time you need to make ANY decision regarding her.

he'll soon tire of it Grin

onceamai · 05/05/2011 19:55

My DH never knew what the children and I did during the day and never complained either.

ihatecbeebies · 05/05/2011 19:56

YANBU to have done it, but you are being unreasonable to be questioning why he would have been upset about this, a quick text or call to let him know what was happening would have been more considerate,

squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 19:57

Is this for real?

She isnt going to get separation anxiety because you were not there for an hour!!!

I think you and your husband need to chill out a little bit!

Flounder · 05/05/2011 19:58

Is he controlling about other aspects of your life?
And, YANBU

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 19:58

I wouldn't leave my DC with someone without telling DH first. BUt I seem to be in a minority. I would always ask what he thought about someone I had only known for a year.

It's not like leaving them with a relative is it?

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 20:00

ihatecbeebies really??? do you text your other half every single time you do something?

that's actually really quite weird.
as an adult I think you're entitled to go to the dentist without telling your husband what you're doing, and if that involves getting childcare for your child/ren then so be it.... why on earth would he need to be told? it's a total non-event

Original poster
Sleeplesssister · 05/05/2011 20:00

I'm not saying she was going to get separation anxiety because I was not there squeakytoy, I was just trying to put me leaving her in context - i.e. she is an easy going baby and is not likely to freak out when I leave the room.

I thought you'd all say DH needs to chill a bit, sigh, yet another example of me and DH clashing over parenting to add to the long list...

OP posts:
PumpkinBones · 05/05/2011 20:01

But what if you asked and he said "no, I don't want them to be left with someone I hardly know" - bearing in mind that the OP may have spoken to this friend every day for the past year - it is a reasonable amount of time! THen what?

newnamethistime · 05/05/2011 20:01

ST - have you gotten the wrong end of the stick? The OP was cool about everything (rightly so) -it is the H that is loosing the plot a bit.
Separation anxiety is a normal phase in a normal child's development - a stage that can happen any time from around her child's age. For a child to NOT get separation anxiety at some point is actually more worrying (shows insecure attachment to primary care giver etc.) - in case you think she is mad for even mentioning separation anxiety.

MovingAndScared · 05/05/2011 20:04

My DCs were both at childminder at that age - and sure had also left with a friend for that kind of time - like the others said is he controlling about other parts of your life or just this - if its just this I think he needs to relax a bit more and trust your judgement - if other things you may have more of a problem

squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 20:07

I may have misunderstood, I got the impression that the Op thought there was a risk of separation anxiety. Apologies for that.

I dont think there is anything at all wrong with leaving a child of that age with a friend for a short time, and the husband sounds like a complete control freak, who needs to be told to calm down and behave.

rosie1979 · 05/05/2011 20:08

YA definately NBU!!!

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 20:09

Pumpkin then it wuld be unfair of her to leave the baby with the person. Parenting is a two person job when you''re in a relationship or out of one.

Childminders are different Moving....they're police checked.

Before anyone says I am paranoid...I dont think you can be too careful.. Knowing someone a year is not that long.

Needanewname · 05/05/2011 20:09

Your DH needs to chill out, my god does he not realise that his child is going to meet many people that he won't know?

breatheslowly · 05/05/2011 20:11

YANBU - this is crazy. When DD started nursery at 6 mo (two mornings a week) DH said "I feel a bit weird about other people looking after her". I had to point out that I was another person and had been doing most of the looking after up to that point. I don't think that 30 min with a friend counts as a parenting choice really.

Hulababy · 05/05/2011 20:11

He is being unreasonable.

You are her mum and you get to make day to day decisions independently. Likewise, if DH is in charge of DD for a period of tie, he gets to make those desicions.

Believe me, once your DD gets bigger, esp once at school age, there is no way ypu'd be able to clear everthing with him all the time.

he is being far too controlling and needs to trust you and your judgement.

CatIsSleepy · 05/05/2011 20:11

your dh's reaction seems completely bizzarre to me

he needs to relax a bit and trust that you know what you're doing

needafootmassage · 05/05/2011 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 20:14

No Hula...not on things like childcare...that should be a joint choice.

What to eat, which park to go to if at all...those are choices which one parent can make.

Who to place your child in the care of is not for one parent alone.

Dozer · 05/05/2011 20:19

Yanbu.

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2011 20:27

I would never ever have asked my DH what to do about the children during the day (I was a SAHM). It was my job to care for them and make whatever arrangements were necessary. He trusted me (I assume) to know what I was doing.
He never asked me what decisions he had to make at his office. That was his job.
At weekends, we discussed things.
TheVAMumapillar - do you get your friends to have CRB checks?