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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have asked my DH beforehand?

43 replies

Sleeplesssister · 05/05/2011 19:47

Yesterday I needed to go to the dentist. Was given an appointment late morning, just when DD has her lunch. Was going to take her with me and risk a few moans, but friend volunteered to look after her for half an hour and give her lunch. DH is now in a foul mood with me as I did not tell him beforehand what I was doing - DD is 10 months and this is the first time she has been left with anyone other than immediate family member. DH was at work at the time. DD was left for a total of 30 mins, with someone I have known for about a year, and who has a DS of the same age as my DD. Oh and she lives 20 mins away. Think this probably stems from him feeling a bit sore about missing out on time with DD (he works long hours), I understand that he wants to make equal parenting choices but crikey, does that mean he has to end up controlling every aspect of my life? AIBU? When did you first leave your DC? Oh and she has no separation anxiety yet (touches wood) and was apparently fine while I was gone.

OP posts:

ihatecbeebies · 05/05/2011 20:40

Thisisyesterday - yes I would tell my other half if someone else was going to watch our child, just as I'd expect to be told if he was going to do the same with dc, especially if it was the first time dc had only been left with relatives before.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 20:41

do you not trust him then ihatecbeebies?

ihatecbeebies · 05/05/2011 20:47

Yes but I would expect him to be courteous enough to tell me who was taking care of our child - are you going to question the other posters on whether their serious too or just me?

ihatecbeebies · 05/05/2011 20:49

**they're

dyzzidi · 05/05/2011 20:49

Honestly it would never occur to me to check with DH about who I was going to leave DD with. He trusts that as a responsible parent/person I would make a carefully considered decision before leaving our DD and he would always respect that.

My Dh also works away so without the help of friends and family I would have to take my DD to all of my appointments.

DH also does not have a say in the many childre/babies that I look after for a few hours here and there when i do the same kind of favours for friends.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 21:02

just you!

ihatecbeebies · 05/05/2011 21:04

Any reason why?

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 21:08

well, you were the first to say it, so i asked why, then I carried on talking to you.. that's kind of how conversation goes.
I can't be doing with all this "and X, Y and Z too" malarky.

actually my last post was supposed to be flippant. but anyway

NimpyWindowmash · 05/05/2011 21:12

YA Definitely NBU. If you had decided to leave her for a day, then that might be worthy of a mention, but 30 minutes? He is being completely ridiculous.

discobeaver · 05/05/2011 21:24

Doesn't he trust you to make sensible decisions then? He is definitely over the top, but probably stemming from frustration at realising he doesn't have the time he would idealt like with your dd.
Or he's just being a bit of a dick and over possessive.

cjel · 05/05/2011 21:56

I don't understand why he would have a problem with this, I think he is being unreasonable and that if you are 'in charge ' of your child then you make those choices, If you are to be trusted. I assume you are to be trusted with making good choices for your child when he is out of the room!!!!!

Hulababy · 08/05/2011 08:49

TheVeryAngryMumapillar Thu 05-May-11 20:14:33
No Hula...not on things like childcare...that should be a joint choice.

Not for me. I think that if you have sole charge of a child and have smething like the dentist, a GP app, etc for a short period of time this is not the same as your average childcare arrangements. So imo it is down to the judgement of the carer at that time. Same as when they start school and want to go on "playdates" after school. i would have never run them all by DH every time!

I think this kind of very brief, temp watching of child is VERY different to what I would call childcae decisions - imo that refers to nursery, childminder, etc.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 08/05/2011 08:58

Did he want you to tell him or ask him? because you say both - it title you say ask, in thread you say he was angry because you didn't tell him beforehand.

I think it is not unreasonable to tell the other parent. "I'm going to the dentist, X is with Y"

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 08/05/2011 09:03

To be fair, in that situation I probably would have told DH what I was planning - DH probably would say "fine, I trust your judgement" or whatever, but at least I'd have told him. To me, leaving a DC with someone else for the first time IS a big deal and we would make those decisions together usually.

But a foul mood is a total overreaction and rather bizarre!

sayithowitis · 08/05/2011 10:43

I suppose the only way for you to decide whether he is BU is to be honest about how you would have reacted if the situations were reversed. If you were back at work and DH was looking after DD and made the decision about who should look after her when she was left for the first time. If you can honestly say that you would have been completely fine, then maybe he is B a little bit U. If, otoh, you would have felt hurt that you weren't even told in advance what was happening, then maybe he is NBU.

I do sometimes feel sorry for men on here. We slate them when they don't care enough or do enough and when somebody clearly does care about their child's welfare, even if they express that in a clumsy way, we still slate them!

ScroobiousPip · 08/05/2011 11:01

Hmm, my first reaction was YANBU. But sayithowitis is right - if the boot was on the other foot, I would expect a conversation first before leaving DS with someone new. ex-DH would never leave DS with one of his friends (or anyone, actually) without checking with me first and vice versa unless it was an absolute emergency. So, judging on my own standards, I do think YAB a bit U.

Out of interest, Sleeplesssister, how would you feel if you had gone out one day, leaving your DD with your DH, and then he tells you afterwards that he left DD with his best mate for half an hour while he went to the barbers?

compo · 08/05/2011 11:06

Well I suppose if you'd had a fainting episode at dentist and they called your next of kin (dh) to come pick you up and you were out of it and couldn't tell him where the baby was he might have cause for concern

clutches at straws

RitaMorgan · 08/05/2011 11:11

It wouldn't occur to me to ask DP if I could leave DS with a friend for 30 minutes.

If DP had DS for the day and told me he'd left DS with a friend who had a similar age child for 30 minutes I wouldn't be upset - I would trust his judgement.

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