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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex ruining my life

42 replies

toody · 15/11/2010 01:18

went to see solicitor about limiting ex access to son was told ball in my court i can decide when he should see him he never wanted much to do with son now i told him i have new partner suddenly wants son more know this is just to spite me but i am worried can he do this, also his texts can be nasty sometimes i feel intimidated can i tell him he can only text once day to ask about son, i just feel so confused and worried all the tme he is ruining my life we live with my parents and its having a terrible effect on them as they feel helpless to help me, speaking to solicitor tomorrow but can't sleep tonight.

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheese · 15/11/2010 01:28

How often does he see him ?

Original poster
toody · 15/11/2010 01:36

hi 5 hours on saturday which is all he wanted until now, wanted nothing to do with him when lived with us told me didn't want us in same room he needed space after work never played with him unless i made him. sees son at his mums and when i pick him up ex usually in chair not playing with son.

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheese · 15/11/2010 01:39

% hours isn't much tbh, I see my niece on a sunday for longer than that !!

Maybe he wants more time with him as he's getting older ?

How long is he wanting him for now ?

ApocalypseCheese · 15/11/2010 01:39

Ahem 5

TrappedinSuburbia · 15/11/2010 01:39

Anymore access is likely to be detrimental to your son's wellbeing if he's not interacting with him. If you think its too much just now then limit it.
Does your ex's parent's interact with your son and spend quality time with him when he is there?

Original poster
toody · 15/11/2010 01:44

he says every other weekend, son is only 23 months still sleeps with me ex even moved out of bedroom so wouldn't have to do anything with the baby. Made lots of threats before like i can never go on holiday abroad without his permission cxan't have new partner without his permission which is why went to see solicior in first place. never mentione having more contact until told about my new partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
toody · 15/11/2010 01:46

his mum quite good with him and his 9 year old brother plays with him so i am happy he is looked after but not by ex and i don't want him to have more contact.

OP posts:
Heracles · 15/11/2010 01:49

Hmm, if he wants more contact and he isn't doing any harm to the kid then surely it's a good thing, no matter what motivation you may feel lies behind it?

Original poster
toody · 15/11/2010 01:52

as he never helped look after or interacted with son how can he know now how to look after him or what his needs are?

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 15/11/2010 01:54

But the contacts primarily for the dad heracles, not the other family.

I don't know what to suggest, I would be loathe to sever contact with grandparent/sibling, but I wouldn't be willing to give anymore just because he's feeling put out.

Do you have a good relationship with his mum? I might allow more contact if you could be sure she would be present and you could talk to her.

Original poster
toody · 15/11/2010 01:58

I did have but she does think the sun shines out of his..... and he can do no wrong but this week because i had said he couldn't see son more he wouldn't let me in house so couldn't speak to her and don't know who was in house, he doesn't live there refuses to tell me where he lives.

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 15/11/2010 02:03

Well that would be a flat 'fuck off' from me then under those circumstances. (i'll get flamed for that comment)

Sorry but you need to know your ds is going to be fine and well looked after, at that age, they need a lot of attention.

I would not be allowing my son to go into a house I was not allowed to enter and did not know who was in it, put it as plainly as that to him.

I would look to be establishing a relationship with his mum rather than him, it sounds like he'll eventually drop out of the picture anyway.

Original poster
toody · 15/11/2010 02:08

That would be great i feel awful saying it as i know lot of mums want dads to have more contact but i know instinctively that my son is better not having more contact just hope the law is on my side the thought of him having son terrifies me but it is hard to explain why.

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 15/11/2010 02:17

Don't feel bad, mums only want contact with dads that actually give a shit about their children, not just to offload their kids.

Do you think he would fight you legally (really), has his mum forced him into this contact, my friends exdh only seen his kids because his mum made him ! She didn't get on with my friend, but at least she was trying to have some kind of relationship with the kids. It would be really great for your ds to have a relationship with his gran and sibling, but its much more important for him to be safe and cared for.

I don't have much more to 't add, but if he won't fight you legally and it doesn't sound like he's bothered, then really its up to you, but I would keep on good terms with gran and sibling.

Wellwasi · 15/11/2010 04:36

Well the law won't be on your side, it'll be on the Childs side. If it goes to court he'll get more contact than your offering.

Do you have any reasons for your fears?
Or do you just not want your ex to have contact with his child?

Original poster
toody · 16/11/2010 01:00

Thanks for all your advice my fears come from him not wanting anything to do with baby when lived with us, rarely fed him rarely played some days when came home didn;t acknowledge son, refused to have me or son in same room en evening he needed his space, when son hurt head had to go to A &E,ex didn't want to come, two months ago son 21mths sent to A&E with very high temp rang ex replied doi have to come it means getting dressed, only sees son at mums has no idea how to look after him.

OP posts:
colditz · 16/11/2010 01:05

I bet he would lose interest completely if you moved 35 miles away .... Not that I'd suggest that. That Would Be Wrong.

booyhoo · 16/11/2010 01:06

if he wants contact in his own home then he is obliged to provide you with his address. you have a right to know where your son is. (i was told by my solicitor that my ex had a right to know where his son was so i presume thsi works the other way)

if he wants the contact in his mum's then tbh, i wouldn't see it as a bad thing. she clearly likes seeing him and is good with him and your ex will gradually learn what is involved in caring for him if his mum sets teh example.

Original poster
toody · 16/11/2010 01:23

I am happy for him to see son at mums but not for any longer as i know he doesn't really want him it was his mum who pushed him to increase contact from 2hrs to 5 andi know he only saying wants him more now because i have new partner.

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 16/11/2010 01:41

When he no longer gets a reaction from you, he'll get bored.

ccpccp · 16/11/2010 09:01

If you've got a new partner it doesnt take a genius to figure out why he wants more access.

How long till DS is calling your new man 'daddy'?

Access is not just for your ex, as his family want to see their grandson too.

The very fact that you can use the legal system to restrict his access is one of the great injustices in this country at the moment.

thesecondcoming · 16/11/2010 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/11/2010 09:11

I think it's true about not taking a child abroad without the other parent's permission (suggest you get legal advice on this) but it is absolutely untrue that he has the veto on you having a new partner! It is only any of his business at all if the new partner presents some kind of risk of harm to the child.

ccpccp · 16/11/2010 09:11

"i've never seen you be remotely positive or supportive"

You're not looking hard enough.

OP wants to know why her ex is asking for more access. I gave her the answer.

If you think its right that she is considering using the law to restrict access between a son and his father then by all means add your own inspired contribution :)

booyhoo · 16/11/2010 12:15

annie yes, you're right. OP needs her ex's permission to take her ds abroad although if he withholds it unreasonably (like refusing a week's holiday in spain) then a judge can award the permission themselves. not sure of exact terminology.

wrt your new partner, your ex has no say in that whatsoever. teh only case i know of where the ex did have a say was when he and his girlfriend had a joint mortgage on their property and he could only dictate that no new partners were to move in. he didn't have any say over whether she had a new partner or not. IYSWIM.