ex ruining my life

[toody]

went to see solicitor about limiting ex access to son was told ball in my court i can decide when he should see him he never wanted much to do with son now i told him i have new partner suddenly wants son more know this is just to spite me but i am worried can he do this, also his texts can be nasty sometimes i feel intimidated can i tell him he can only text once day to ask about son, i just feel so confused and worried all the tme he is ruining my life we live with my parents and its having a terrible effect on them as they feel helpless to help me, speaking to solicitor tomorrow but can't sleep tonight.

Sorry, I don't think you should be restricting his access. he is the boy's father.

To be fair thesecondcoming you're a fairly aggressive poster yourself.

If you are comfortable with your DS being at your ex MIL's then I'd increase contact on the condition that it's at her house.

If he's not really interested in his son and is just responding to you having a new partner then not giving him a reaction is the best thing. If he's so disinterested in looking after his DS he won't want to have him at his own place where he has to do the work.

You know he's safe at ex MIL's and that she'll look after him, and even if his father isn't interested in a relationship with him, his granny and uncle are. Is it not in your DS's best interests to have more time with them?

I think you need to take the moral high ground and not turn this into you vs your ex.
Look at it as giving your DS more time with the other side of the family. When your ex realises that he can't get to you through your DS he'll lose interest.

As he's still sleeping in your room, you could always start with 5 hours on Saturday and 5 on Sunday, only looking at sleeping over as he gets older.

As the access would be at his mothers, she should be the one texting. You don't actually need to have any direct contact with him at all. He can only get to you if you let him. Ignore the texts and keep any nasty/aggressive ones as evidence of his conduct.

Actually, the texts would be the perfect reason to have the access at his mother's house.

10 hours at the weekend when do i see him and this does not change fact that he has never wanted son.

5 hours on a sat and 5 on sunday will not eat up your entire weekend you know. you need to look at this logically rather than just seeing problems. believe me, i have been through this. i have been where you are. say ex collects him at midday on saturday. or if you want to see how committed he is tell him he can collect him at 8am on sat and sunday.

look, you know this isn't about your son. he just wants to antagonise you. he will get bored when he realises he has to have his son every weekend and that it isn't getting a rise out of you. if it is for his mum then at least you know your son is being well cared for and that she wants to see him. what harm can that do? children need people around them who love them. the more the merrier.

I feel for you OP. My ex also used to antagonise and harrass me and only started asking for contact when he found out I had a new DP. It got progressively worse as he would phone at all hours, leave nasty messages outside my door and my children started bedwetting and had nightmares.

The only thing that stopped it was when we moved away from the area. DP got a new job in the place where my parents were from so it was deemed reasonable. Funnily enough the ex decided it wasn't worth pushing for contact once we were 250 miles away! It was important for the move to be seen as being in the DCs best interests and not just trying to get away from the ex though.

"10 hours at the weekend when do i see him and this does not change fact that he has never wanted son."

You see him the rest of the time.

Whether he wanted his son in the past or not, he is his son, he does have a right to contact with him and your son has the right to a chance to form a relationship with his father.

Wether your ex blows it or not remains to be seen.

I meant every other weekend Toody

Unfortunately it doesn't matter if your ex never wanted his son or what an excuse for a human being he is. He is his father and does have a right to see him. Even though he's only doing it because you have a new partner.

Be the bigger person and do what you can to allow access. If he screws up/doesn't form a relationship with his DS it's his loss. Your son will realise on his own that his father is a waste of space. The alternative is that when he's a teenager full of hormones and anger he'll turn around and have a go at you for keeping him from his dad. And if your ex is the tosser you say he is he'll pop up with sob stories claiming you kept him away.

At least he's getting to spend time with his uncle and granny.

I would not do anything other than say no. if he takes you to court then so beit. he is hardly showing an attachement or commitment to this child. he needs to prove this in a court, let him try. I think increasing contact would be detrimental, at least if you go to court any contact is agreeable.

i think it sounds like he is neglecting your son and being emotionaly abusive. good job his mum is commited to this child, request contact through her.

do not respond to antaganistic messages just reply no sorry not this week. do you honestly think he will take this to court?

the only reason i want to restrict his access is because he has never wanted anything to do with his son who is only 23mths and only wants more access as a means of upsetting me

ihave been told it would be very expensive for him to go to court and he hates spending money unless on himself wouldn't let me by a baby bouncer costing £20 but that day spent £90 on shoes for himself so i don't think so and if it is expensive don't think he could afford it.

If he spends more time with his son they may grow closer and then enjoy being together. To me his current access is very limited and I'm not surprised he's trying to get more. It may be he's getting older and more mature. It might not all be about you at all. The argument "he can't have more access because he hasn't wanted it before and hasn't had my son enough to know how to look after him" is a circular one. How is he going to get closer to his son and learn to look after him if he hardly sees him?
I think you should let your son spend more time with his dad and see how it goes.

The father son relationship is one to be fostered if possible.

One example of how much he cares about his son - he will not give me his address i recently asked him what are you doing on 31st October and can i have your address which he refused eventually told him i wanted to take son to his house to trick or treat but was planning for it to be a surprise his reply "why would i want to see him then i will have seen him the day before"

OK that sounds mean. Not giving hs address is strange as well. I presume you haven't threatened to bombard him with stuff. Where do you tell the CSA he lives? Does everything go through his parents?
If he wants you to let him have more time with his son then he has to let you know where he lives and start having his son at his house during the time he has him first.
I don't think you should get to inspect his house or anything, but you should know where it is in the same way he knows where your house is.

i have no idea why he wont give me his address CSA not involved we decided between us how much money he should pay for his son.