Is once a week binge drinking ok?

[Namechanger385u4u]

Hi all

I've lost all perspective here. My DH goes out once a week coming home at 4am, what i would describe as "really quite drunk". He's then obviously hungover the next day.

He thinks this is ok but i'm concerned that at some point this will affect our 5 and 6 yos and i dont want to mess them up as adults.

Background - he used to drink much more heavily and do coke. Yes I know i'm an idiot for thinking having kids would change this (whom he actively wanted, he was ready 2 years before i was). He works in an industry that is very booze heavy (i used to also but i always had more control and dont really drink since DC).

I cant leave him, i also dont want to leave him. It feels like once a week might be ok(?), my dad hardly ever drank and my mum has never ever drank so im really unsure how much of this dc will be able to process/notice

Thanks for listening.

My dad was an alcoholic (not saying your dh is) and by the time I was about 9 or so I knew that when he was grumpy and sleeping late or laying on the sofa it was probably because he'd been drinking. I also noticed the smell too , the smell of alcohol on a person's body is actually very triggering for me still. You very much notice these things when you're a kid.

What do you think op? You wouldn't have made this thread unless your husband's behaviour bothered you.

It's your boundary OP, set it where you feel comfortable. It's not up to us to say how you run your home.

Thank you for replying.
Apart from the 1 night per week he's a great husband, but he works very long hours so the DC and I operate as a separate threesome during the week so it's largely inaffected them when they were small. I can smell the booze on him in the morning so assume they can too.

In the last 6 months i've helped him cut down a lot but he's not willing to do the final push. I think a lot of his workmates are the same. They're not doing anything crazy just going to some bars and then round his friend's flat but when i think about it he's been like it for our whole relationship.

It's only now the dc are older that im wondering how they see it or if they just overlook it as it's normal for them. I also think he drinks because he's worried about DS who has ASD, im less worried as he's doing ok but DH finds it more stressful than me thinking long term.

I just thought now he's 40 he would wind down, im in my 30s and can only have 2 drinks vs when i was in my 20s and could bounce back.

Going out once a week and getting drunk is entirely normal yes. That doesn’t mean you have to be happy with that- but if you’re not going to leave there isn’t much optionality around it anyway.

I don’t see how it would affect your children, if he’s too hungover to do things the next day that’s not ideal but won’t cause trauma or anything.

you sound so anxious though- it’s not great for you for it to be taking up so much brain space

Thanks xx

It’s well researched there is no safe amount of alcohol and binge drinking carries its own risks too.

Personally I wouldn’t be ok with this. I assume it’s a weekend day he spends hungover? Time he would otherwise be with the family… he’s making a choice isn’t he.

No it isn't ok . He sounds like a functioning alcoholic imho .
So sorry OP

I'd side with a no on this one, doesn't matter if it's just the once a week, if there's a consistency to it then it's usually an issue

For someone over 40 with kids I think coming home at 4am on a regular basis is not on. It really must impact his ability to do anything the next day. Surely it’s not too much to ask to come home 11/12 or whenever the bar shuts rather than go on to somebody’s flat, which sounds like the behaviour of a teenager

He’s got a problem and it will become much worse if/when something happens to upset his emotional stability - loss of job, a bereavement, work stress, family stress, etc.. So while it may not seem too terrible right know, your kids will definitely begin to pick up on it if they haven’t already and he runs the risk of falling into alcoholism if he keeps it up.

I’m not sure you’ll get a helpful response here. People who want to normalise it will tell you it’s normal as they do it, or they want validation that it’s normal for their partner to it. People who don’t drink and don’t approve will tell you it’s dreadful. What matters if if you think it’s affecting your family.

I was well aware of my father’s drinking and being drunk from about five (also a hard drinking industry). It didn’t mess me up in terms of drinking myself (it put me off if anything), but it very much influenced how I saw him, and I have memories of his behaviour which range from disappointing to embarrassing. As an adult it’s hard to respect the fact he carried on from 40 into his 60s (he died of an illness connected to alcohol consumption).

Even my friends rugby crew husbands who used to binge don’t do it regularly anymore. Once every couple of months and even that has an impact when one parent can’t function. I can’t imagine not seeing him all week then when you do, a chunk of that time he’s hungover and you’re worried about what the kids are seeing. It doesn’t sound like it’s OK, really.

No it’s not normal or ok to get so drunk that it impacts you the next day on a weekly basis. You can live how you want, but your children deserve better

I do enjoy a drink or two, yet I think getting very drunk and rolling in at 4 am every weekend is dreadful.

He is probably still doing coke as well.

If he’s coming home at 4am he’s doing coke somewhere.

I wouldn’t be happy with it every single week. Once every few months maybe but once a week is a pisstake especially if he’s hungover the next day. Think of the money and more importantly the wasted time that could be spent with his family.

I don’t think this makes him an alcoholic though. Alcoholism is about dependency and this (to me) doesn’t sound like something he needs, more something that he wants. I suspect it’s the social element and not wanting to be left out.

You’re right to be fed up of it. I would be telling him you don’t mind it once in a while but he has a family now and he needs to cut back.

This is not normal. It’s not healthy. His drinking is already affecting the family. You can’t police this. He has a problem. Time to plan an exit.

1 night a week I think Is fine assuming as he can function the next day and participate in family life*

Don't be daft .. I regularly come home them and I don't use coke

So what happens? The day after?
Is he staying in bed with hangover?
Sundays dc are told be quiet daddy is sleeping?
Oh We cannot go on day out daddy needs to sleep?
You stay up till 4 a m waiting up for him?
What is everyone learning here? That life revolves around daddy and his drinking i.e impact on his ability to be a part of family life the day after?

“Entirely normal” for you maybe @AquaPeer
”Entirely normal” for me 25 years ago when I was a university student aged 20

But not “entirely normal” for me now aged 45 as a parent
and not “entirely normal” for anyone that I’m close to and so would know if they were pissed once a week

and, more relevantly to this thread, not “entirely normal” to most of us on this thread

It isn’t entirely normal for me, I don’t drink. However I do know lots of people from all walks of life and going out socialising with booze and a late night really isn’t uncommon

for example when I was a child it was watching football- dad off to football at midday on Saturday, booze all day roll in later drunk was a very normal situation. That specific situation isn’t so much the case outside of the 80s, but other social situations happen now with similar outcomes

Goodness

it’s not my normal
it wasn’t my normal in childhood
and I literally no know one who goes out and gets pissed once a week every week Aside from my 22 year old nephew.

It isn’t your normal now @AquaPeer
but was it?

I wouldn't be happy with that level. I imagine it means the next day is wiped out with you doing everything?

Dh probably binge drinks a few times a year, when there's a work do mainly. We've both cut down a lot from pre kids days.

But , to the pp who seems shocked at this, you only have to look in the pubs to see that people drink a lot.

I only know people who do this as a one off occasion. Stag/weddings/parties more once a year type thing.

Does it matter if its "normal" it's not healthy no one can argue that.

I don't drink. my mother is an alcoholic that well and truly put me off. I remember being 5 years old and hating the smell. Feeling really uncomfortable that her mood changed, her face changed,her whole persona. It was however very subtle to everyone else but i still picked up on it and it felt unsafe. She wasn't present any longer. I felt responsible for her. At age 5 I didn't know if she was asleep or dead. It's very scary for children.

Do your children feel their dad is present and there for them?

One marker of addiction is your DOC (drug of choice )having detrimental affect on your life and loved ones?

Could he do a few months without any alcohol? It's very possible to socialise without.

I don't think you would of wrote this post if this wasn't a issue for you.