MIL attitude issues

[partofthecure]

We adopted a child this year. My MIL is really old school and doesn't get the need for a different style of parenting with a child who has a trauma history.

Today I lost the plot with her for calling our wee one "naughty" over a normal behaviour for a three year old (throwing a toy on the floor) as we've been working hard on not labelling or shaming.

Other gems from today:

"She's too intelligent to ever be with a family like that” (referring to birth parents)

“Oh, seems like it’s just me that’s not allowed to give you sweets then!” (I gave her a Jaffa cake, not a bloody whole box of jelly babies like she’s tried to!)

“I’m buying her a toy kitchen for Christmas” and when I said, she already has one, she rolled her eyes and said “well this one will be from me, not some foster carer she doesn’t know anymore, so that’ll be better”

She and I have never gotten on but this today has sealed a deal for me and I've told DH she's not welcome here again, nor will she ever look after our DD alone. He agrees she was awful today but thinks it's a step too far to not let her babysit or come round.

AIBU?

Posted here from a different thread as advised there is a better understanding of adoption issues

If those are the only examples you have then she might want to bond but not know how. Did you involve her in the education and info sessions you received when you set out to adopt?

@Ozanj

If those are the only examples you have then she might want to bond but not know how. Did you involve her in the education and info sessions you received when you set out to adopt?

Unfortunately not, she was offered to join them but declined - she asked for the literature which we gave her, but she disagrees with much of it - as a retired primary school teacher she thinks it's "lacking discipline". She does adore our little one but has a very different understanding around raising children.

YABU. Not everyone understands the different approaches needed for adopted children. If she does adore your child, as you say she does, continue helping her to learn instead of cutting her out of your child's life. A grandmother wanting to give your child sweets and buy a Christmas present are really not awful things to do! But you clearly don't like her and it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to get her out of your own life.

Can't you give her a chance and try to educate her a bit. It would be a shame to cut her out without trying to correct her way of thinking.

@imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere

YABU. Not everyone understands the different approaches needed for adopted children. If she does adore your child, as you say she does, continue helping her to learn instead of cutting her out of your child's life. A grandmother wanting to give your child sweets and buy a Christmas present are really not awful things to do! But you clearly don't like her and it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to get her out of your own life.

Fair point, I detest her. But I care about my husband enough to recognise she has to be part of our lives in some form.

Also - re: the sweets. There's way more to it than I'm willing or able to share here related to DDs background but there are important reasons for sugar to be limited. And it's not about her getting a gift, it's about wanting to replace something related to DDs past.

@HHSchultz

Can't you give her a chance and try to educate her a bit. It would be a shame to cut her out without trying to correct her way of thinking.

She's had many chances, I'm afraid. Today is a straw that broke the camels back.

Have you told her how you feel about what she says and explained the reasons you will be parenting in a much different way than she understands?

oh dear that does sound awful! so stressful for you. I defo wouldnt be having her babysit, maybe just limited visits or something. Maybe some more understanding, could she do the adoption UK grandparents recorded webinars? maybe just discuss the main points and make sure they are taken on board - like not belittling foster carer & birth parents in front of little one etc? Defo no shaming that kind of thing?

It does sound like she cares… just a little bit misguided!!

I think shutting down the conversations about birth family completely as that’s totally inappropriate for her to be doing anyway. It’s not really her place to bring that up, especially with the judgement it’s not wise. Redirections immediately after telling her something helps me when I have to correct behaviour of adults I’m nervous about… “we don’t talk about the birth family in that way because it can be upsetting for children to hear negative things about their biological family. Did you have enough wine? I’m loving this pinot…” if she does it more than once it might need a more serious conversation.

The naughty thing is an issue for my family and I would say I have one of the most loving and caring families and grandparents who we are so lucky to have, but my mum occasionally slips. She doesn’t need to be told off (and my brothers have already done it) as she recognises it’s a shift in language that she hasn’t made because of her age. I think just directing her language might help.

It does sound like you don’t like her but I think any person who wants to be in a child’s life should be there. Whilst you have chosen adoption it may be difficult for grandparents to automatically accept children as their grand children. I’m not a grandparent but my MIL has told me that she was very worried she would not love our son before she met him and she found that quite stressful… she does love him so much, but it was a worry for her!

Help your mil get there, don’t lock her out!!!

Yabu. She is trying to bond. I do think you need to have a proper chat about things and the way you would like to parent and put in some boundaries but all of you examples do not sound toxic to your child, only you.

I think it’s really important for children to have as much support and love as they can.

@User310

Yabu. She is trying to bond. I do think you need to have a proper chat about things and the way you would like to parent and put in some boundaries but all of you examples do not sound toxic to your child, only you.

I think it’s really important for children to have as much support and love as they can.

It's not toxic to a child for them to be labelled "naughty" for minor issues when they were formerly in a toxic household and exposed to abuse?

OP, it sounds like you've made up your mind. I think YABU, that you're really over-reacting here.

@HandScreen

OP, it sounds like you've made up your mind. I think YABU, that you're really over-reacting here.

Actually you're right, I have made up my mind, and thinking about it - I don't care if it's unreasonable or not, it's the right thing to do for my child.

I think you can probably tell those on this thread who aren’t adopters. There’s also some good advice from people who know better.
Some of the things she’s doing definitely aren’t appropriate. Your MiL does need educating. What’s your DH’s role in this. When he talks, does she listen?

Well hopefully your DH will have equal say in this and you won't get to destroy the relationship between your child and her granny.

OP, you are right to go with what you feel is right for your child, trust your instincts. Maybe things will change in the future if MIL has the humility to learn.

Imagine when your child grows up, "Mummy, why don't I know my granny?" "Because she used the word naughty". Think ahead!

I do have experience of adoption, I still think you are being unreasonable. I question the example you are setting by cutting your DH's mother out of your home rather than try to work with her on the problems, and I fear (for you and your child) that it will result in a giant wedge between you and DH.
Ok, sugar needs to be limited, so you accept the sweets she brought and ration them.
She wanted to buy a replacement gift, you point out that child already has that thing and it's important to them because it reminds them of whoever it came from, then suggest and alternative gift that MIL could get that will remind the child of her.
"Naughty" is a generation thing that a lot of grandparents will struggle to lose. If she says is you say no child is not being naughty she is upset/tired/struggling.
And so on. Counteract the behaviour you don't like with an alternative.

Can I share my experience as adopted child?

40 odd years ago my grandmother made comments that broke my heart. When I still think of them it brings tears to my eyes.

My aunt had a baby and it was her second granddaughter .. i was the first. BUT she said how excited she was to have her first granddaughter and I. aged about 7 piped up «but what about me» to which she replied
well she is my first real granddaughter and you aren’t

My parents were in another room and did not hear it.

It broke my heart and I felt worthless and unloved and once again unwanted.

Please please please don’t leave your child alone with someone who can damage them and hurt them in this way. Even if it comes from a place of ignorance .. please don’t let your precious child hear that from a grandparent.

She’s insensitive and crass but she also sounds uneducated about it all (and happy to be so). That said, my father came to a prospective adopters family and friends session with me, read a book I got him, watched some YouTube video links I sent him but still doesn’t get it. You don’t, really, until you live it.

It would be a shame to cut out a relationship that could be brilliant for your child although understand why you want to and why you’re angry (I would be too!). What’s worked for me is therapeutically parenting up. For example “oh you really wanted to give X some Jelly Babies, that’s so kind. X would love one but we limit sugar atm because of X so I’ll save them for special occasions. Thank you so much.” It’s exhausting to have to parent like this up as well as down, but it works for me.

Your MIL sounds like a product of her time, and you sound like you’re looking for any excuse to cut ties with her.

Part of being an adoptive parent is navigating these things - none of what you describe is terrible and most could be dealt with by a simple “we don’t use the word naughty”, “jelly babies, what a treat, we can have 2 now and the rest for later”. And honestly at 3 I’d be starting to talk about not throwing and setting some gentle boundaries, you might not want to use the word “naughty”, but I’d be stopping it happen again.

While she may drive you crazy, it doesn’t sound like she’s harmful to your child - not letting her come round or babysit your child deprives your child of her grandparent and I’d need much more to go wrong before I’d be doing that. I’d also be wary of painting yourself into a corner, saying “she won’t ever” is pretty strong, and puts a lot of pressure on your husband in his relationship which in turn may impact on your home life. Set some boundaries by all means, explain what you’re doing and why (does MIL know about the issue with sugar and why you limit it), remember attitudes towards adoption have changed in recent times but at one point your MILs sense of replacing a much loved toy would have been considered normal.

I’d also consider that by not working with MIL and cutting contact with your child you introduce another loss into your child’s life, and you show her that if someone can’t do it the way you want them to, you get rid which is maybe not the right message for an adopted child.

@imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere

I do have experience of adoption, I still think you are being unreasonable. I question the example you are setting by cutting your DH's mother out of your home rather than try to work with her on the problems, and I fear (for you and your child) that it will result in a giant wedge between you and DH. Ok, sugar needs to be limited, so you accept the sweets she brought and ration them. She wanted to buy a replacement gift, you point out that child already has that thing and it's important to them because it reminds them of whoever it came from, then suggest and alternative gift that MIL could get that will remind the child of her. "Naughty" is a generation thing that a lot of grandparents will struggle to lose. If she says is you say no child is not being naughty she is upset/tired/struggling. And so on. Counteract the behaviour you don't like with an alternative.

This is an excellent post. Could your DH possibly speak to your MIL on neutral ground about the issues you've mentioned? Do you have a specialist social worker who might be able to advise you about this situation? I hope you find a solution that doesn't mean adding trauma to your precious child's family life, which I suspect cutting MIL off will, sadly.

We were lucky, we didn't have these kinds of issues our DC were the only grandchildren and my DPs were willing to listen and learn..

Only you know how bad it really is, and how much you have already tried to redirect and educate.

Can your DH sit her down really seriously and explain that this is how you are parenting and she needs to put up and shut up, and if she doesn't then contact will be very limited?

Simultaneously try to redirect present buying/giving? e.g. My DD always loved animals, so had we been in your situation I'd have tried to say - don't bring sweets, bring a Sleich(sp?) toy instead. Or pre-empting Xmas/Birthdays with 'we think DD would love X' would you like to choose one and buy it? Or say how about a season ticket for X, and then every time you go conatct her and say 'we went to X today DD loved ...'

Def no babysitting until she can be trusted though!

I’d also consider that by not working with MIL and cutting contact with your child you introduce another loss into your child’s life, and you show her that if someone can’t do it the way you want them to, you get rid which is maybe not the right message for an adopted child.

This is so spot on.