Calling us mum and dad

[Runner31]

We are very close to meeting our LO and have coped really well with the ups and downs of the process but the one thing that has snuck up on both of us is LO calling us mum and dad before we've met. It just feels so fake. LO is older and with a good attachment to the foster carer and has had last contact with birth mum very recently so I had expected us being called mum and dad would be something that would happen gradually.
I feel bad for even finding it a bit weird. Has anyone else been freaked out by their name change?

Yup. It's weird. I was lucky, in that I was used to being "a mum" even though it felt weird being this child's mum.

Fake it til you make it! Congratulations!

I think the adults attach far more importance to this than the children do.
Mum and dad are just words that children hear most adults referred to.

I was introduced as mummyted27, he dropped the ted27 himself because the real name was just too long. The other child who lived there also called me mummy because thats what she heard everyone call me, even though she trotted off to contact with her own mummy whilst I was there.
The first time it really meant anything was when I walked into school one day, he spotted me and started shouting that’s my mummy. It was the MY that was most important, because I knew he understood that I was his mum, not just any old random mummy.

Good luck with intros

I went to live with adoptive parents at 6 and was told to call them mum and dad and it is something I did but did not want to do, and it is something I have never recovered from to be honest. I don't want to talk about siblings as it is their story to tell, but I do know many older adoptees who felt the same way. I think it is something which needs thought about on a case by case basis depending on age and other things, and where appropriate wait for things to happen naturally. This is just my personal opinion though, it has never been properly looked at in research afaik.

@sassygromit not quite the same but I know several non adopted people who call their parents by their first names rather than 'mum' or 'dad'. It does sound strange but that's because of only because we're cultural conditioned to use those words or their variants.

@sassygromit

I went to live with adoptive parents at 6 and was told to call them mum and dad and it is something I did but did not want to do, and it is something I have never recovered from to be honest. I don't want to talk about siblings as it is their story to tell, but I do know many older adoptees who felt the same way. I think it is something which needs thought about on a case by case basis depending on age and other things, and where appropriate wait for things to happen naturally. This is just my personal opinion though, it has never been properly looked at in research afaik.

That's kind of what I was worried about. Labels haven't really been hugely important to me and although I am looking forward to being someones 'mum' I really wanted it to be more natural and at his own pace.

@Runner31 If you havent met him yet do you know if he he is actively referring to you as mum and dad, as opposed to that’s what the FC/SW are calling you so he doesn’t have another name to use?

When you actually meet you could introduce yourself as mummyrunner31 and take it from there. I do know a couple of adopted young people adopted when they were 5 or 6 who referred to their parents by name for several years, the mum bit happened when they were ready.
Give him the alternative and see what happens.

Intros are very strange and artificial - its ok to feel a bit wierd about it all, none of it is natural

We've been told that's what he's calling us when he's asking questions about us. I think SW thought that we would be over the moon about it. In some ways it's nice, I just didn't want him to feel pressure to do it. Maybe he didn't and i'm over thinking it (it wouldn't be the first time), I just would have preferred it to happen naturally.

Adoption isn’t a natural process. The foster carers will be preparing your child to move to their forever family and will refer to you as mummy and daddy because that’s the role and relationship you’ll have to them. Your little one may have little frame of reference in terms of mum and dad in terms of relationship, and professionals calling you mum and dad places you in their family.

By the time of placement my kids had three different people they had called mum and a few more than that they had called dad. For them it was a name, not a relationship.

They called us mum and dad from the outset, we told them our names and said they could call us by them. They still chose mum and dad and over time they understand better what that actually means. Both kids go through phases of using our first names and that’s fine too.

This is one of those things where being child centred is important, give them choices about what they call you, and really be ok with whatever that is, over time they’ll settle into calling you their preferred names. We had to do a lot of “family tree” work, my kids didn’t understand what siblings were, the difference between mum and sister, no idea where aunts, uncles and cousins fitted in - so mum and dad were literally no big deal to them.

I think your attitude sounds perfect OP. AFAIK it is still the case that older children about to be adopted are told to use the terms mum and dad and that the thinking is to do with giving the child a feeling of stability and permanence. I think, personally, as I say, it is erroneous thinking - I think it sends a very confusing message to children over a certain age - and it is extremely difficult for many children to identify or express their own feelings about it at the outset - but as I say, this is just a personal feeling, and I do think a proper review of policy is needed with better guidance for everyone. But anyway, OP, your approach sounds perfect because it is childcentred, imo.

ifchocolatewerecelery I suppose the comparison with nonadoption is where the dc decide they want to call the parent by first names and the parent doesn't accept it and asks them to continue to use "mum" or "dad"? I might have missed your point, though!

Labels haven't really been hugely important to me and although I am looking forward to being someones 'mum' I really wanted it to be more natural and at his own pace.

It may or may not be at his own pace, children making the move from a home they’ve been settle in, into a totally new environment can find security in having names and roles assigned ahead of the move, that doesn’t mean he’ll continue to call you that to your face. He may also be masking for the sake of foster carers eg he might feel worried that they’ll miss him and that him accepting you as mum will make it easier for them (not an ok reaction but a very normal one). It may also be a way for him to feel “normal” in a very abnormal situation. Professionals don’t tend to “tell” kids to call adopters mum and dad anymore especially older children but will explain in the context of permanence and endings that the adoption process is about finding them a new mum and dad - some children will simply accept that and others will find it very difficult and need other options.

For other kids mum and dad are the names they ascribe to any care giver - what does he call his foster carers?

Have you done an intro book for him? One thing you could do is include a note for him signed off in your own name with mum/dad in brackets, that starts the ball rolling in terms of him knowing you’re ok with him using your first name (or whatever name you’re thinking he might use.

As in everything, you can overthink it until you’re blue in the face but until you meet your boy you’ll not know really his feelings about it - and may not for some time to come. Openness and flexibility is key, as ever.

and has had last contact with birth mum very recently I think that it is this which highlights how complicated the situation is here, and presumably in this situation the foster parents would have been called by their first names.

As an adopted person, I found this lovely to read and spot on. Sorry for derailing, but I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Names. As well as most other things, matter abs are more readily accepted by the child so just go with it. So true. X

presumably in this situation the foster parents would have been called by their first names.

Not necessarily, it’s not that unusual for foster carers to end up being called mum and dad. Utterly inappropriate and not remotely professional (and causes all kinds of issues later on), but if foster carers don’t correct it very early on it becomes established and hard to change as the placement continues.

Ds was three when he came (nearly four). We called each other mum and dad in front of him, he has an older sister (our birth dd) and took to mummy and daddy or mum and dad quite easily.

Good luck.

Mine were 5 and 6 at placement and the 5 year old. My then 6 year old daughter was thrilled to be able to call us Mummy and Daddy, because she wanted to finally have a mum and a dad. She thought adoption would be her ticket to happiness and embraced her new family from the word go. The words Mummy and Daddy were (and are) significant to her.

My then 5 year old brought the naming up at our first meeting. She asked me curiously "So I am going to call YOU Mummy now?" She never called me by my first name, but she did often and now mostly does call me "Mama". That's what she called her birth mother, so she clearly identified the special meaning too.

So I think depending on the age at adoption and their individual history children do understand the meaning of Mummy and Daddy.

To me asking them to call us that was a way of claiming them and of making them feel wanted. That was partly based on my experiences as a child with my (step) father who always tried not to overstep my boundaries when I would have loved to be claimed.

Hi,
Thank you all for your messages. It really is good to hear different opinions. I think my main concern came from the SW and how she fedback his response to us. She sent us a message which was heavily focused on him calling us mum and dad straight away. I know she did this with good intentions but it felt like the goal of her meeting with him waa to walk away with it established that he waa calling us mum and dad. I know that's maybe unfair and she probably thought that is what we wanted to hear but it felt very unatural and honestly, way too positive which made it weird for me. I couldn't get my head round him being so accepting of it without any worries or concerns, particularly given his age (although I know his emotional age is much younger).
Since then I have now spoken to his foster carer. She's massively supportive of the adoption and brilliant with him and us and has talked about his worries and concerns as well as his excitement with us. The labels aren't important. So I suppose that's where my over thinking was coming from. SW seemed to be putting this huge importance on the labels and us hearing only good things where as the foster carer is just telling us how it is. The good and the bad. At this stage of the adoption I want to hear it all so I'm emotionally prepared. Our approach will be child centred but I firmly believe you have to have your own head as clear as possible so you can help others. Right now we're on our own and that is our time to work out our emotions before the big meeting tomorrow. When we're with him it's obviously a different story. He comes first.

Thanks so much for your responses. It has helped me think about things from all sides.

Day 4 of intros with our then 3 year old (now 6) we were putting him to bed with the FC. Things had been going well and we were feeling positive about the match. As she tucked him in she told him she loved him and then gave him a hug. She then gestures to us to hug him and we both echoed the words that we loved him. We didn’t. It was day 4. Driving away we spoke to eachother about how weird and unnatural those words felt. But a few weeks on they came naturally. Adoption is weird! You’d not meet someone on a dating site and immediately start referring to them as your husband/wife even if that’s what they end up becoming! (Well if you do, you might find you don’t get a second date!) a lot of the adoption process is acting initially. Acting that you love going to the same bloody park every day during intros, acting interested in every thing that the child does and acting that you don’t miss an ounce of your previous life. It’s tough but 3 years on, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Introducing my son as my son felt weird for ages, then one day it just doesn’t any more. Good luck! I’m sure you’ll soon be sick of hearing Mum, Dad but for all the normal, right reasons.

I also remember our sons SW feeding back to us that when they’d told him about the match, they’d use a book about families and he had seemed most interested in the family with two mummies (which we were). She felt this was a massive sign he was keen to be placed in a same sex family. We saw it as a fluke-he was with a wonderful single female FC and probably just thought having two women would mean two versions of this. She rang us full of glee for his perceived preference of same sex couples 😂😂😂 we played along!

SWs come out with all sorts! Don't fret, you're willing to follow his lead, and that's perfect. You are his mum and dad, but what he calls you doesn't really matter, so be led by him. Adoption is a really weird, unnatural process, you'll muddle through.

Good luck!

This resonates a little with me (not complete adoption) when my father moved his new woman in she insisted I called her Mummy I was eleven it felt wrong! Found it stressful around mother's day and had to fake it.
I am sure it will come when your LO is ready. It wasn't a problem when we adopted our mob 5 were babies and the others were non verbal. BTW have name changed.

Monkeybrains2017 "Introducing my son as my son felt weird for ages, then one day it just doesn’t any more. "

This is so true!

I felt like a fraud!

When the foster carer told us our son was taking about his sister I though that social services had failed to mention a sister! He meant our birth dd, who became his sister. She and we were in his talking introduction book.

We referred to ourselves as his new mummy, daddy and sister and also by our names. He chose to use mummy and daddy and sister straight away.

It's also good for him. If he had started school calling us by our names it would have probably led to him being known to be adopted straight away. We wanted that to be private. He has since chosen to tell good friends (he is 10 now) but at 4 or 5 he would probably have struggled if identified as adopted and if kids had asked questions etc.i think it was good for him but was his choice.

I have just seen your other post about your new arrival - congratulations! I have been meaning to post again on this thread and it reminded me. You mentioned iin one of your posts the final contact - would you mind me asking if f2f was considered and why it was decided against? I am not asking for any specific or personal details, more about the thinking process and analysis - was it even considered, was it discussed, was the UAE research in relation to post adoption talked about etc. Thank you very much! Not to worry if you don't want to reply or if you are too busy, the question is only if you want to answer. Best wishes for the future!

Hi, I do have a bit of a fuzzy brain right now but if you mean face to face contact with birth mum that had to be cancelled because of covid and weather. I'm not sure what you mean by UAE research. I'm happy to answer but have no idea what you mean 😂. It might be one for a social worker. My experience is the adopters don't get a say in anything so whatever the research is I'm pretty sure we haven't discussed it.

I meant ongoing face to face contact after the adoption, like an open adoption, but I think you answered the question anyway (it wasn't discussed or considered as an option) and I suspect your fuzzy head is to do with happiness so I will just let you enjoy that!

How's it going OP.