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Adoption

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Original poster

Little upset but it's quite trivial

53 replies

imkeepingeverythingcrossed · 13/07/2015 12:43

It's not a massive thing but I'm feeling a little hurt today. When I went on leave from work 2 months ago (our beautiful little one was placed with us) I received nothing not even a goodluck let alone a card. Then my best friend who works for same place had a little boy this weekend. She's received cards flowers gifts all sorts. Which then made me think my hubby took hers out to wet the baby's head and I've thrown baby showers for all my friends yet some of ours haven't even said congratulations and it just seems like our news isn't as important as everyone else's! I feel quite bad as I know my hubby was so excited for his friends to take him out and it never happened. Was it like this for everyone else. I think I'm just feeling a little meh today.

OP posts:

NigelMolesworth · 13/07/2015 12:49

Yes, I would feel similarly. People are just rubbish unfortunately.

But, congratulations from me - you must be thrilled and I hope things are going well for you.

favouritewasteoftime · 13/07/2015 12:58

They should have congratulated you and taken you out but perhaps they weren't sure what would be appropriate. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt but you are right, it's definitely something they should have celebrated with you. Congratulations. X

Etihad · 13/07/2015 13:04

Hi imkeeping congratulations! Hope your little one is settling in ok. It is a big thing, and you are quite reasonable to be upset. I am in exactly the same situation - and I worked for social services, so there really is no excuse. I am rally not at all impressed, and did have a cry, but have decided that nothing is going to stop me enjoying my beautiful little one who arrived 2 weeks ago

motherearth1990 · 13/07/2015 13:20

Similar happened to me and it's not trivial at all, completely understand.
Some friends who have had babies who I've sent cards and gifts for haven't even acknowledged the arrival of our AD. It hurt.

All I can say is 4 months later I've had conversations with various friends who have said they genuinely didn't know what to do or how to behave or what was appropriate. And it shocked me. But it shows that people don't always know how to celebrate the arrival of an adopted child even though they are happy for you.

Congratulations and enjoy this special time xxx

slkk · 13/07/2015 13:29

Ah, sorry your colleagues were rubbish. Mine were great and it was a surprise, but you do deserve the same as someone leaving for maternity. A big congratulations from all of us here instead! Enjoy and good luck!

NorbertDentressangle · 13/07/2015 13:32

oh that's really sad that they didn't acknowledge your DDs arrival into your family.

I can't believe that others have also experienced this. I guess people are unsure what to do or say so avoid doing/saying anything in case it's the wrong thing??

Someone I worked with recently adopted a baby and we had a leaving party when she went on adoption leave just like we do for anyone who goes on maternity leave - pink/blue balloons, cake, presents, cards etc.

Velvet1973 · 13/07/2015 13:51

Ah firstly congratulations mummy! I hope all is going well.
My colleagues and friends were just the same and it's a tough one to stomach- especially as I had thought we were a close bunch and they knew all about our struggles to become a family as were very supportive during our Ivf. However when I left there was nothing, not even a card. I am quite close with a couple of them and I actually said I was staggered. It's a group of women who all get on and we always went to town on special birthdays (spent up to £100 on pressies, flowers, cakes and decorations). Not had any weddings or babies since I was there but would have thought an effort would be made. They did say they were also quite surprised as thought our boss was doing something. Anyway about 6 weeks or so after lo arrived they gave me a card and a £25 gift voucher.
We were sent congratulations cards by quite a few neighbours that we literally usually only exchange pleasantries with so that restored my faith a bit. I think I felt more upset for little man that they didn't think his arrival was as significant as if he'd been born to us, that makes me sad that people see it differently.
Even my own mum who I'm very close to didn't give us a card or flowers or anything that she'd done when my nephews were born. I did say something to her and she was genuinely mortified that she hadn't got a card, in her defence he was placed at short notice the week before Xmas so was a bit of a crazy time. She did go and get a card so he has got one for his memory box along with the others that we received.
But yes agree that generally people are just rubbish!
We're 6 months in now and I do get a bit upset by it still sometimes but then just look at my little man and realise he's the thing that matters so just try and forget it. ????

Original poster

imkeepingeverythingcrossed · 13/07/2015 14:04

Aww thank you everyone for the congratulations and same to you all ???? I just think I was feeling a little hurt that my little one was not seen as special as everyone else's. But your right I love him more than anything and that's all that matters.

OP posts:

StaceyAndTracey · 13/07/2015 15:31

Yes, I had the same experience with colleagues and friends. It's not trivial and it did hurt that they saw my children and our family as not worth celebrating .

I've found that adopting ( much like other significant life events ) does change your relationships - you become closer to some friends and make new ones while others drop out of your social circle . It's sad but it's their loss

WereJamming · 13/07/2015 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bberry · 13/07/2015 18:03

That's just rubbish, congratulations...

Why don't you have actors with your partners best friend about taking him out to "wet the baby's head" and he could give your best friends nudge too

I am sure they are delighted for you but just don't know what is/isn't appropriate...

Have fun on your nights out

Kewcumber · 13/07/2015 18:13

Congratulations.

Some people are just shit when it comes to behaving normally when your child is adopted. They think there is some special convention or are "scared" of saying the wrong thing - how difficult is "congratulations" or "how exciting".

I was lucky I was on MN at the time and there had been a big build up to DS arriving so lots of lovely MN'ers made a fuss by sending cards which made up for some people who were spectacularly rubbish. One friend never spoke to me again when I sent her a note telling her I was travelling to pick up DS soon (she told a friend that she didn't know what to say so said nothing - that was 10 years ago!) and my Dad tootally ignored it and didn;t actually meet DS until he was 7 (adopted aged 1!)

You do feel wounded on your childs behalf, quite understandably. If I were you (and you;re going back to work) I would mention to whomever you're closest to how you feel.

Luckyfellow · 13/07/2015 18:19

Your colleagues sound really weird.

Your DH's friends may just be too busy these days with babies to go out to the pub. We used to be out celebrating everybody's big days but now we don't even go out on our own birthdays etc. So that may not be personal, just a side effect of his friends becoming fathers.

Have no possible explanation for your colleagues though.

Enjoy your little one.

JamHoneyMarmite · 13/07/2015 18:24

Oh that's rotten. As this thread shows, it happens a lot . I consoled myself with the fact that the co I work for doesn't do anything for people who give birth either! The girl I share an office with made a special hand made card, which was worth more than any token.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 13/07/2015 18:35

That's rubbish, isn't it. As others have said, it shows how awkward people can be. I do understand it a bit, though - placement isn't the same as the adoption order, and it might be that people don't really know what would be appropriate and out of fear of offending do nothing... Maybe we should lobby Hallmark to make "congratulations on your placement" cards, to make things easier

StaceyAndTracey · 13/07/2015 19:06

I'm sorry, there's really no excuse for the " i don't know what to say " brigade

There are cards in every card shop that say things like

Congratulation on your new arrival
So pleased to hear your news
Best wishes
Thinking of you
On your special day

You even get blank ones , with a bunch of flowers . It's not hard .

I've never heard an adopter complain that they got a card that said " adoption " when it was only a placement .

And for those who really , truly ,can't think of anything to say , just send a big arrangement of flowers and a bottle of champagne . Or gift vouchers . Easy .

Tangerineandturquoise · 13/07/2015 19:12

Congratulations

It does happen-and I am sorry you were both hurt by it.
You may find on your journey some of your closest friends become more distant, and those on the outside circle turn out to be amazing.

MyPreciousRing · 13/07/2015 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devora · 13/07/2015 22:54

I had the same experience - from friends, family AND colleagues. It sucks. Many sympathies.

Kewcumber · 13/07/2015 22:57

And lets be honest - no-one except adopters or someone "in the industry" knows the differnce between placement and adoption order!

Original poster

imkeepingeverythingcrossed · 13/07/2015 23:40

Precious I don't think I could have talked about it all or little one more! Oh well. He's everything to us and that's what's important

OP posts:

Velvet1973 · 14/07/2015 10:07

Was going to say the same thing I'mkeepingeverythingcrossed , Precious my work colleagues were very close and they knew absolutely everything. They followed our ups and downs from linking in August to it nearly falling through in November and little one being placed in December. Still nothing. I think the fact we all went completely overboard for birthdays etc made it worse. That and the fact they knew I wasn't returning to work so in effect leaving after 5 years as well.

threenotfour · 14/07/2015 10:20

Congratulations! How exciting to have a new liitle baby in your life. I hope you are enjoying everything that comes with being a new mummy.

Try not to be too hurt. I am would imagine it is just that lots of people are just so worried about saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things that they don't do anything. People are generally quite touchy and we are all made to worry about being un-PC nowadays that I think we all back off a bit too much. I am sure it's just a case of this. However this doesn't help you much. But netiher will hanging on to it as it will continue to upset you both if you do. Just try and let it go and enjoy your lovely little one as I'm sure you are anyway.

You could also have a naming ceremony or christening or just a welcome to our life/home party for your new arrival f you wanted that chance to say to your friends and colleagues 'come and celebrate with us'. Alternatively just enjoy the next few months and plan a big fun 1st birthday party that everyone can come too.

Nolim · 14/07/2015 10:26

Congrats op and enjoy your new arrival

rockybalboa · 14/07/2015 10:32

That is shit. It's not trivial at all, it's disrespectful to your status as a new parent and really rude. One of my colleagues has had two lots of adoption leave and had the same card and gift presentation as those going off on maternity leave. Your colleagues should be ashamed of yourself. Congrats on your little one though, hope all is going well.

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