Little upset but it's quite trivial

[imkeepingeverythingcrossed]

It's not a massive thing but I'm feeling a little hurt today. When I went on leave from work 2 months ago (our beautiful little one was placed with us) I received nothing not even a goodluck let alone a card. Then my best friend who works for same place had a little boy this weekend. She's received cards flowers gifts all sorts. Which then made me think my hubby took hers out to wet the baby's head and I've thrown baby showers for all my friends yet some of ours haven't even said congratulations and it just seems like our news isn't as important as everyone else's! I feel quite bad as I know my hubby was so excited for his friends to take him out and it never happened. Was it like this for everyone else. I think I'm just feeling a little meh today.

It's just really galling when you see colleagues going off on mat leave garlanded with gifts and excitement, and you are clearly not seen in that category. I think it's probably true in some cases that people are scared of saying the wrong thing, but can't think that that would explain the behavour of my own family and friends!

Congratulations, the rest of us adopters know exactly how you feel! I have been so shocked at the mutedness of people's celebrations when we've announced our impending adoption. I think maybe people don't know how to act / don't know which bit to celebrate? We had a party to celebrate our matching panel decision and recieved one good luck card (not even congratulations??), and we recieved one or two more after the approval panel months back.

I hope in the future people will be more confident and comfortable celebrating with adopters, but in the meantime I think it's up to us to celebrate the shit out of it and just ask people to join in.

My friends did throw me showers and I got gifts and cards but in my church we always make dinners for families with new babies and I got no dinners. It seems silly but I was very hurt, after all the dinners I've made people, plus I could have really done with the help.
So I know how you feel. Congratulations.

plus I could have really done with the help.

I think this is an issue - because people can see you don't have a newborn they don't realise that to you it may as well be a newborn. Total cluelessness (or maybe thats just me), feeling like a babysitter (the worlds worst), sleepless nights, feeding issues etc.

I had a 14 month old who had never been in a car seat, never been in a pushchair or pram, never eaten on demand or had enough to drink - and man he let me know that he didn't like the car seat! I wouldn't tackle journeys on our own of more than an hour for about 3 years. People just didn't have a clue and very very few people offered to help. I didn't get the offers of ready meals like those who had given birth did or anyone coming over to spend an hour with me of an evening occasionally (I'm single) not once.

I once had someone say that next time they were going to adopt because you don't get the feeding or sleep issues! I was over that stage by then so didn't actually punch them.

Did you send out 'Arrivals' cards? That then gives the hint that people should be sending you cards. It's not too late to do it now.

ImKeeping and ImkeepingsHusband are delight to announce the arrival of XXXX d.o.b. 30/02/2010

We did ours with a photo of us all together. People then sent congrats cards, and knew when our DDs' birthdays were.

Does anyone send arrivals cards? I've had loads of friends with babies and never seen such a thing. Surely it's the last thing on new parents minds?
Kew I'm not sure that even being "over it" that I wouldn't have punched them!
Maybe there needs to be more TV programs on adoption showing the reality of it instead of the hearts and flowers of long lost family!

We did arrivals cards similar to Teen - photo of the four of us and something like "pleased that

Congratulations on your new arrival.

I'd like to say it is because people do not know what to say etc but I think some people are just a bit dim. It's a real shame that your colleagues did not respond appropriately. But I do hope it will not upset you too much. Bless you.

I can understand your point of view but I think its hard for those of us watching you, too. I've had two people I know adopt. Both have been very closed about it, for reasons I understand entirely, including the uncertainty of the process, and the need for bonding afterwards. But they werent allowed to show us photos or even share the name of their potential adoptee son during the process. And the further reality is that their DC didn't arrive with them as a tiny baby, and they haven't had either the hours sitting round in cafes with a newbirn chating or the many many visitors. They have a young opinionated toddler. They've made none of the "trips to work" or even "trips to family". One family (who are close friends, we holiday with them at least once a year!) I have literally met their adopted son three times in 18 months. The other even less. We ended up not sending a card for the invite to come round that never came. I get fhe need to back off, and that's what we've done. But multiply that up and that's why people are unsure how to respond.

Alanna we're talking here about friends and family sending cards and or the usual gifts that they do with a new baby, I'm not sure why that's difficult to understand at all. Just because you don't get to see them initially doesn't mean you don't congratulate them. Plenty of new mums ban visitors for a period of time themselves but it doesn't stop their friends and family sending a card.
The point about their child arriving as an opinionated toddler rather than a tiny baby and them not having the endless hours in cafes with new mums etc is EXACTLY why you should be even more supportive. It's hard enough becoming a parent at all let alone to an older child, add to that the fact other mums with babies/children the age of yours are already buddied up from their antenatal groups it becomes extremely isolating.

Wow! That's so thoughtless op! I can't believe your colleagues would be like that! I teach and in my school we've had a number of new families join us through adoption or be extended through adoption-sine have had easier journeys than others. One of my favourites were twins from many years ago. I remember them telling me about "the wise old judge" who would sign some paper. They told me in a whisper that the judge thought he was making them a forever family when he signed it -but actually they were a forever family already! We had a class party the next day and they brought their "certificate" to assembly! I can see their wee excited faces so clearly though it's years ago now!

Yes, I've also had people congratulating me on doing it 'the easy way'. Ha ha ha ha ha [bitter cackle]. Interestingly, I'm a step ahead of them in having done it both ways, so you'd think they might ask me rather than tell me which is easier, but IME having experience of both birth parenting and adoption does nothing to shield you from all the usual irritating comments ('oh all chidren do that' etc).

Alanna, I'm sure you're right but I'm not in the mood to be reasonable! Sometimes we need to just vent our spleen

That is rubbish of your colleagues. Congratulations from me. It's not trivial. Chances are they are a bit hopeless rather than mean. Enjoy your new arrival.

Alanna - just out of interest do you only send cards to people whose baby you're going to see more than X number of times within the first six months then

I normally send a congratulations card to someone before I'm invited over, I don't wait to see how often i'm invited before sending it.

I don't mean to sound aggressive, I really don't think that mostly people wait to see how the land lies if its a birth before sending a card.

But if your response is the norm then I see why many people treat you as if you've disappeared when you adopt.

I think its hard for those of us watching you, too - I'm sure you'll forgive me for not being too heartbroken about that. The people who dropped me never even got as far as not being invited over (plenty of my friends met DS, just in short bursts in small groups or individually for the first few months) because as soon as I'd adopted I may as well have contracted Ebola.

Alana most of your friends wont be showing scan images or telling you names etc before the birth so why should adopters.
I know it isn't just you, but I am not sure what is wrong with just saying we are happy for you and wishing the child well with a card or something.

I have one lovely friend who had wooden keepsake chests made for both my children, which she then decorated with their names. Bless her.

Only it does make me sad that dd1 had so many letters, cards and special gifts in her box - as well as zillions of photos of her early days. And dd2 doesn't.

I think you've hit the nail on the head Devora. My mum still has an album with all the congratulations cards she was sent when I was born, I feel sad that my little man didn't get them from certain friends and family members. Luckily neighbours who I'd barely said good morning to previously came up trumps and gave us loads!

My colleagues were brilliant and totally got that adoption leave was like maternity. However, when I sent photos of our new arrival out with Christmas cards to (who I thought were) close friends living abroad, not one person replied. Not even a congratulations message on facebook! Couldn't quite believe it and I probably won't be making the effort to go and visit any time soon.
I agree, those early days were the hardest and loneliest of my adult life, at home with a toddler who screamed and spat and no other friends with children of similar ages. I am forever grateful to my friends who stuck by me, my new adoptive mummy friends and people at the children's centre who mopped me up a few times! I hope you have lots of support and love, op and hope you really enjoy your new family.

I find this fascinating to see what some bio parents think of adopters and why our kids aren't good enough to be celebrated

• we don't dish the dirt on their backgrounds
• we don't tell everyone their name before they arrive ( like many bio parents )
• our children are not cute enough , they are rarely tiny babies
• we don't take our children into work or on rounds of social visits ( like most parents of toddlers or older children )

So rather than thinking we need MORE support because our kids have had a hard start , they decide to punish us by withdrawing the social approval and help that is usually offered when you give birth . Because they are not getting enough out of it

Interestingly, it's not about not knowing what to say or not being able to find the right card. It's about punishing the adopter because she is not able to fulfil the normal social obligations of a new mother .

I wonder if this is the same for parents of very premature or other sick babies , who also cannot fulfil these social duties and give due " payment " for gifts ?

Brilliantly summed up!

I don't have adopted DC but I find this really sad that is common place that people haven't received gifts and cards to congratulate the arrival of your new DC. I cannot understand why people wouldn't think to send something? When my friends adopted we sent cards and gifts, honestly why wouldn't you? Sorry Allana but I think everything you wrote is a load of twoddle.

Anyway OP congratulations on welcoming your son into you lives

I had a very prem baby - didn't get any of the work leaving stuff, once we got home I got flowers and a voucher (which I know my boss paid for all of as he was a sweetie) it wasn't helped by the fact that I had been terribly ill earlier in the pg with something unrelated to the trigger for the prem arrival, so I had spent little time in the office and had mostly worked from home. So I understand the experience of stonewalling.

I feel incredibly lucky - I also had a prem baby, and work sent the present and card home to me (I literally went home from work straight to the hospital and started my maternity leave, some weeks earlier than planned). And work (different colleagues) also did a collection and card when I went on adoption leave. The far flung members of our families who didn't get it (one was cross that we hadn't told them we were going through the assessment process - we hadn't directly spoken to them for years before that point anyway....?), well, I can live with that, but it must be so hurtful when it is people who you thought were closer to you.

Sorry, that post wasn't supposed to sound so smug

I think you are right, Stacey. I had a premature baby, who was in hospital for a while afterwards. Even when he came home, I didn't take him into work and out to coffee shops, baby groups etc. for a long time - he was very tiny, ill and vulnerable to infections so I avoided taking him into places with lots of people whenever I could. I also had PND which was horrendous.

This was in contrast to most new mothers where I worked, who would bring the baby in several times during maternity leave and bring them along to social events organised through work and so on. As a result I was very ignored - it's as if people actually took offence that I didn't let them see him, as if I'd decided they weren't good enough to cuddle my baby or something! I got a couple of cards in the post from colleagues, but none of the presents, vouchers, massive card from everyone that everyone else got. It made me feel awful, especially when I didn't get a welcome back when I went back to work, and people were decidedly 'off' with me. Even my own family were very funny with me - my mother yelled at me that I was 'keeping DS away from her'... he was seriously ill in a neonatal unit FFS!

Conversely, a colleague adopted a 10mo little boy, and she got all the usual fanfare that anyone going off on maternity leave got. She did come into work a few times with him and kept in regular touch with everyone, and told everyone a lot of details about him before she went off. She said she lost friends who just didn't acknowledge his arrival though.