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Original poster

Horrible conversation number one

44 replies

Lilka · 28/10/2014 21:00

I've somehow managed to get nothing but understanding from other parents, neighbours and family since DD left (a month tomorrow Sad). Which I guess surprised cynical old me, because DS has been very honest with all his classmates/friends at Judo club about DD being told to leave home that very night, as opposed to just moving out.

Anyway, at Judo tonight I had the first horrible conversation, because the class ended a little later than normal, and a few of us parents were standing around waiting. It ended in "I just couldn't kick my children out and make them homeless".

I didn't reply, I just walked off. And nearly everyone else heard us, so there's a double bonus.

How nice her world must be to be so secure in that belief. DD isn't homeless either FFS

At least she has no idea (afaik) that DD and DS are adopted, because DS isn't open about that. Because everyone knows how adoptive parents give up on parenting their adopted children, SO much easier than BP's do....

Sorry for moaning. I don't have much to moan about really, since one person isn't a lot at all. It's just really peed me off

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 28/10/2014 21:03

This is a little confusing.
You have an adopted son and daughter? And now you have kicked out your daughter? How old is she? What has happened?

JoyceDivision · 28/10/2014 21:04

Lilka,Idon't know your circumstances, but ignore the wind spoouting old bat... chances are it was one of those comments that wasintendedtoget you to retort and tell al the details

The fact you walked away shows you have more strength and dignity than the other person

I dread the teenage years, and I take my hat off to any one who is dealing with 'trying' children.

I hope you havelots of strength and patience to help you with the times you and ALL your family are facing

Spero · 28/10/2014 21:04

I don't know why people are such arseholes. But they are. My theory is, she is unhappy with her live, her choices, whatever. Being able to cast a moral judgment on someone else allows her, for that brief moment she is making it, to feel better about herself.

The sheer absurdity of opening judging someone like that when you know next to nothing about the circumstances, the people, the personalities, the choices, etc, etc.

I may think all kinds of judgmental shit like that but because I have half a brain cell I would never, ever parade my lack of compassion and idiocy to the wider world.

Engima · 28/10/2014 21:25

I'm sorry to hear you had this encounter Lilka- good on the other hand that everyone else had been so supportive. As others have said, she was just one person and evidently had no understanding of the complicated situation that you have with your DD. Just shrug it off as much as you can and keep going. Hopefully the other parents who heard the conversation will either respect your privacy or be supportive too!

Jamfilter · 28/10/2014 21:26

Right, firstly, that person needs a hug. In the face. With a chair Grin

Secondly, you and all the important people know the truth. You know the history; you know the huge, superhuman levels of commitment you still have for DD; you know the very very real need to protect yourself and DS - that had to come first.

And thirdly, anyone who has THAT much self-satisfaction just hasn't actually hit their particular set of life challenges yet. Sit tight and get a cushion - their turn will come. You, regrettably, are so amazing that I'm sure you won't return the favour by giving her unsolicited insulting criticism.

Pancakeflipper · 28/10/2014 21:30

They don't know what happened. They have not experience what you have so therefore know fuck all about it. They just like the sound of their own opinionated voice

Do not let this take 1 opinion take over in your head and heart, hold onto the support you have and the fact you know the score.

SDTGisASpookyWoooolefGenius · 28/10/2014 21:35

It is very easy for so done to be judgemental when they haven't walked a mile in your shoes, Lilka. For what it's worth, I am sure you wouldn't have made a decision that serious without very good reasons and without long, hard thought.

I hope you can focus on the fact that most people have been very understanding, and ignore the one nasty, judgemental one.

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2014 21:48

Lilka take the good that most people have been supportive and understanding. Let the bad comment slip away. Easier said than done. I am sure.

When dd was born I would easily have said, or at least thought, that sentiment. I knew nothing, worse, I thought I knew everything! Blush

Life is so much more complicated and for this lady to say this means she has not met the complicated side of life to such an extent. Try not to be angry, it won't help you in the long run. Love and best wishes, to an amazing mum.

Original poster
Lilka · 28/10/2014 22:01

box Sorry it's confusing, it's because it's a continuation of something I've been posting about on here for a while. I told my DD2 (18) to leave home a month ago. Leaving just my 9 year old son at home with me

Thanks everyone Smile I'm trying not to let these things get to me, and it's getting easier to let things go in the last couple of weeks. The antidepressant is starting to work now, I think. I always dwell on things too much when I get depressive episodes. I'm more annoyed now that I have to meet her every single week. I don't want to hide in my car, when I've recently started to stop hiding in my car wherever possible to avoid talking to people. That feels like sliding backwards. I'll just have to go in and then ignore her wherever possible, talk to the others (there are a couple of very nice other parents there) and let her think I'm being petty

Sorry again for moaning! It's nice to have a place to rant sometimes is all

OP posts:
Pugsake · 28/10/2014 22:09

lilka I don't normally post on adoption board but iv seen your previous posts and advice on active conversations.

Your such a strong mam, truly you are.

Hope karma kicks that horrible women's arse Thanks

JustSpeakSense · 28/10/2014 22:11

Lilka I have read a few of your posts, and have always been amazed at your strength and resilience.

I am sure things got impossible for you to reach the crossroads you finally did with DD, I'm so sorry for you.

How wonderful that your DS is coping and seems to be doing well with the changes that have happened.

.....now about this stupid woman and her stupid comment, I would imagine now that she's made her statement (albeit a naive and tactless one) she is probably satisfied and won't be mouthing off again. That's probably the last you'll here from her!

Water off a ducks back and all that! Flowers

Velvet1973 · 28/10/2014 22:14

Ah Lilka I'm more of a lurker but follow your posts. You've been an enormous help to myself and countless others going through this process. For what it's worth I think you are amazing. You have done everything you possibly can for your daughter and I'm sure in time she too will see this.
Ignore comments like those because they don't know the half of it so they are irrelevant.
I'm in agreement with jamlifter too, her time will come when life isn't quite so straight forward and easy for her and maybe it will make her rethink her words.
As for having to see her week in and week out that's going to be tough, but remember those that know your situation have nothing but the upmost admiration for you so hang on to that thought!

wanttosinglikemarycoughlan · 28/10/2014 22:15

It is so easy for outsiders to judge and people seem happy to do so but they have no idea
Those outside adoption do not have a clue what it is really like living with a traumatised child
Well done for walking away

FamiliesShareGerms · 28/10/2014 22:16

It's easy to say when you've never had to really think whether you would do something tough < thinks of how smug I must have been about picky eaters before DD came along>

Big hugs and glad that you are getting such a positive response from all the people who really matter, esp DS ThanksWine

TheFamilyJammies · 29/10/2014 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbadosgirl · 29/10/2014 08:14

Support vibes, Lilka. I think everyone has captured it. She comes from the same school as the "well I will never use a dummy" kind of person when confronted with frazzled new mum on the verge of sleep deprived tears. Two weeks in with a screaming baby and they soon change their tune. I am not trying to trivialise your experience, which is obviously more serious, but she comes from a place of non comprehending smugdom and has tapped neatly into your feelings, which must be very raw. Keep you head high, you have done an awesome job and have made a gut wrenchingly tough decision for the best interests of your young son. You are clearly a super mum xxx

Angelwings11 · 29/10/2014 08:32

Sending support too. You are always very kind and thoughtful, however others are not so. Sometimes, even when given support it sometimes is the negative comments that you remember and hold on to. Try not to give it energy by thinking about it and like others have said until someone walks a mile in your shoes they will never understand. I would come up with some sharp one liners.....'oh I'm so happy for you' etc. xx

JustSpeakSense · 29/10/2014 10:42

People are smug, people are judgy, but until they've walked a mile in your shoes, they're utterly ignorant.


Truer words were never spoken!

Kewcumber · 29/10/2014 10:58

Carry a fork in your bag.

Anyone who is crass then you can stab them in the back of teh hand with your fork. You will feel much better.

If you want to be kind, than carry a plastic fork if you must.

LastingLight · 29/10/2014 11:20

Lucky person who haven't seen the dark side of life yet.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 29/10/2014 12:46

She's speaking from ignorance. If you ever get the chance, and feel you can, it would be good to say that to her.

You are an amazing mum and have done the right and only thing possible. Thanks Thanks Thanks

prumarth · 29/10/2014 14:00

Kew Grin

Original poster
Lilka · 29/10/2014 15:58

Will you be my personal guru Kew? Grin
Also, when I finally get a visit from the Police, will you claim to have been controlling my actions telepathically? Wink

Family I remember you mentionning that before, and I still can't believe the utter stupidity. I don't approve of it either!

Thank you all so much again. I feel a lot better after a some decent sleep (yes, I'm managing some nights of decent sleep now!!) Smile

OP posts:
Jamfilter · 29/10/2014 16:02

Kew is right - a fork is so much more portable than a chair Grin

auntybookworm · 29/10/2014 16:04

My parents (I am not adopted) asked me to leave at a similar age. I know they were criticised by family and friends. It was the best thing they could of done for me and to protect my siblings, from my chaotic life. Two decades on I have a great life and a wonderful relationship with all my family. My bet is she did not mean to be hurtful with her comment but has no understanding.

Think Kew has the best idea! Grin