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Adoption

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Original poster

Brothers kids been adopted

40 replies

parker1313 · 01/02/2011 20:24

I don't need to go into this all as I would be here forever.
My brother&his dp had their kids taken away a number of times (reasons not known to me). They have now been adopted out.
How would I go about seeing if it is possible to meet them?
I have never met them before.
I don't have a relationship with my brother.
Any questions feel free to ask
Thanks.

OP posts:
ImFab · 01/02/2011 20:25

My instinct is saying stay away.

I expect I will be in a minority.

ajandjjmum · 01/02/2011 20:26

I think ImFab is right. It could really mess them around at a time when hopefully they'll be settling down.

Sad
tastetherainbow · 01/02/2011 20:27

contact social services explain the situation or try speaking to a solicitor, they can arrange social service reports etc etc. im not to sure in legal side of things but if you have never met them you might have to be cruel to be kind and walk away sounds to me they have had a bad time or they wouldnt of been taken off them, maybe they need a fresh start?
can you tell more about this?

CarGirl · 01/02/2011 20:29

I think it would be worth getting in touch with the dc social worker and registering an interest in building a relationship with the dc once they have settled and SS think the time is right.

I think in the very long term it would be good for the dc to have contact with their extended birth family but that may be quite a number of years away.

Snuppeline · 01/02/2011 20:38

There's more openness for adopted children now but that like tastetherainbow has said the wellbeing of the children should be in forefront and if you haven't had any contact, or very little, with these children before you should ask yourself if you aren't doing more harm than good contacting them. Depending on their age you may confuse them. What are you hoping to express to them? Even if saying something to them makes you feel better it may not make them feel better? Maybe you could compromise on writing them a letter where you say what you'd like to say and where you welcome them to contact you in future if they wish? I do have sympathy for you it can't be easy.

tastetherainbow · 01/02/2011 20:45

i agree with Snuppline, i am adopted myself but different cos i am 27... i have found my bio mum who i no longer speak to which hurts and i was freinds on facebook with my brother but de-friended because we were more like strangers than brother and sister even though he rememebers me i dont rememeber him, i ahv a younger sister approx 13 who doesnt know i excist but i look at her pic on facebook every day....

it may coause hurt in the long term for both you and the children....

would be interesting to know why they got adopted out and why u havent seen the kids up to now even though you and your brother werent speaking

KristinaM · 01/02/2011 21:00

Can i also ask why you want to see then now if you have never met them before?

I am guessing that your brother and his partner have drug or alcohol or mental health problems. Did none of your family know this or keep in touch with them?

Usually SS will try to place the children with their extended family first and I'm wondering why this wasn't the case here?

lalalonglegs · 01/02/2011 21:38

I think unless you can give your nephews and nieces some explanation of the circumstances of their adoption and some background on why they were placed in care, it would be quite strange and maybe a bit selfish to make contact with them. When they are old enough, they are going to want answers to this sort of thing and you won't be able to provide them. As you don't have a relationship with your brother, this could cause a lot of conflict for them - it sets him up as the bad guy.

At most, I think you should ask to have your details put on their files so they can "find" you if they ever want to.

maypole1 · 01/02/2011 21:59

I a gee would you be doing this for you or for them I am a foster carer I would stay away or put something a letter with ss till their 18, as they don't know you for before and you didn't have any relationship with your brother this I feel would only up set them

Sometimes By doing nothing you will be doing them a great kindness.

And to be honest if the adoption is complete then it would be up to the children's new parents weather you can make contact .

microserf · 01/02/2011 22:00

i am speaking here as an adopted person - i am assuming the kids are still relatively young?

it sounds like the removal of the children involved some stress and trauma. with this in mind, it may well be unsettling for you to have access to the children right now. if you are minded to do this, perhaps the best thing would be to write a letter to be placed on their files setting out that one day you would like to meet them if they wished to do so.

it will be difficult meeting them later if you don't have answers as to why they were adopted or if you are negative about their birth parents though, i would recommend sitting down with the social worker to discuss approach before actually meeting them.

Needanewname · 01/02/2011 22:02

Why do you want to see them now? Think about it, is it for them or you?

One thing you could do is write them a letter so that if they want to seek out their birth family when they are older they have a starting point.

Original poster
parker1313 · 02/02/2011 09:02

We had a very odd upbringing. I think it could help them to know about their fathers childhood.
I agree with all of you. I am going to write a letter for them so it can be known to them when they feel ready (if ever) that they can get in touch.
I have children myself& they may want to meet my children some day.
I just feel like I can fill them in on a few things if they have questions.
I know my brother very well.
He's a strange one.
I have to admit as well. I can't help wondering what happened and what they did. 80(

OP posts:
Original poster
parker1313 · 02/02/2011 11:54

Iv searched and searched the Internet for a telephone number and cannot find who to call.
I'm in Kettering. Can anyone help?
Who would I need to contact?
There are lots of independent companies etc.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/02/2011 13:15

There are details of the Adoption Contact Register here

You could leave information here in case these children wanted to search for their birth family when they are adults

Otherwise you should contact social services for the area in which the children lived before they were adopted. They may agree to leave a letter on the children's file which they can access when they are adults, or their adoptive parents can keep for them, if they wish, until they are older.

I expect they will want evidence that you are who you say you are and they will probably vet the letter to make sure it is suitable.

Im sure you know that they will not be able to give you any information about the children at all, either what led to them being adopted or about their new family

HTH

Amieesmum · 02/02/2011 14:17

Hi love, depending on how recently they were addopted try kettering social services.

www.kettering.gov.uk/site/scripts/services_info.php?serviceID=242

That should be them i think?

Speak to Dc's social worker, they should be able to advise you on whats best for dc.

Hope this helps

Original poster
parker1313 · 02/02/2011 21:16

It costs £30!! Is it me or is that alot of money!
(for being put on the register to give permission for contact )
Why does it cost that much!?
I think that is unfare. Dont get me wrong I'm going to pay but it's just outrageous. They have you over a barrel!!
Thanku very very much for all the advice. U believe I'm doing the right thing.
I hope they are happy and building a new life and aren't forever affected by what they have done.
The children are 8and11 ish.
Ps would their names be completely changed?

OP posts:
duchesse · 02/02/2011 21:32

I don't wish to sound unkind but surely it's not a large amount of money if you really want to stay in touch with blood relations? It's probably designed to discourage people who aren't really serious. It must cost more to administer the scheme, so can't be to cover costs.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 21:37

have you over a barrel? You know it costs an awful lot to foster children. Hmm

Original poster
parker1313 · 02/02/2011 22:10

I just don't earn very much and neither do all the people I know. This is alot of money to me 80(

OP posts:
duchesse · 02/02/2011 22:13

But even if you don't have that kind of money spare, you could save say £1 a week for 30 weeks and then register your interest when you have the spare cash. I doubt there's a limit on how long you've got.

Original poster
parker1313 · 02/02/2011 22:14

It doesn't sound very kind if it is a way of discouraging people.
Only people that can afford it have a right to have the opportunity for contact ?!!
If you don't have the means then you are not classed as serious ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
parker1313 · 02/02/2011 22:14

Yes that is what I will do.

OP posts:
duchesse · 02/02/2011 22:16

parker, they are your blood relations. If you really care about them you will find a way to keep contact.

I think it's extremely sensible to discourage gawpers when they're dealing with potentially very damaged children who may have hideous flashbacks to their childhood if contact is handled wrongly.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 22:17

You've got seven years to save 30quid, since they don't get passed on until the child is 18.

boobellina · 02/02/2011 22:37

Parker1313 I'm in Scotland so the legal side of things might be very different but the way that it works up here is that you could get in touch with Social Services and they could contact the adoptive parents and find out their views. The adoptive parents have the final say until the child is 18 so it is their decision with regards to any contact and if they are completely against the idea the only thing possible would be to pass a letter to Social Services and ask that it be put into the children's file if they ever decide to view the file.

My opinion is that you need to tread very carefully here. DH and I adopted our DD 3 years ago and if her Aunt got in touch looking for contact I am not ashamed to say that my answer would be an absolute unequivocal no. The main reason for this is my DD's right to a relatively 'normal' childhood. Whilst she is very aware that she did not grow in my tummy I refuse to allow her to define herself or be defined by this and in my opinion having relatives whom she has never met before entering into her life at this stage would be nothing short of catastrophic.

I would however, be delighted if we or Social Services had a letter from a member of DD's birth family. I wouldn't focus too much on trying to explain your brothers behaviour, from what I have read adopted children are more keen to know about what people looked like, what they enjoyed doing and details on other members of your extended family.

Good luck