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Adoption

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Brothers kids been adopted

40 replies

parker1313 · 01/02/2011 20:24

I don't need to go into this all as I would be here forever.
My brother&his dp had their kids taken away a number of times (reasons not known to me). They have now been adopted out.
How would I go about seeing if it is possible to meet them?
I have never met them before.
I don't have a relationship with my brother.
Any questions feel free to ask
Thanks.

OP posts:
walesblackbird · 03/02/2011 09:47

Afraid I'm with boobellina as well. I have three adopted children and if someone whom they'd never met before suddenly decided they wanted contact - lb or direct - then my answer would be an unequivocal no.

You had no contact when they were within the birth family. Before children are adopted SS try their hardest to find a placement within the birth family on the basis that keeping a child/ren with the birth family is often in their best interests. That would have been the time to register an interest.

As it is I do have a letter from a birth relative which I have kept for my children - and which they're aware of - sadly though despite her initial interest she couldn't even be bothered to request the letter I sent in return.

When the children are 18 then they can decide whether to initiate or accept contact - until then it's up to their parents to make those decisions on their behalf.

Silver1 · 03/02/2011 09:57

I am also with Boobelina- a lot of their father's childhood will be on file, as will information about you if it is known. If the children wish to track you down when you are older they can read the files. Be prepared they may even want to know why you didn't try to help them as infants.
You can also leave a letter on file for them to see if and when they come in to review their files at 18.

If you want to know what happened then I am sorry but WHY? You haven't been involved in their lives at all, and either you were impossible to trace when social services were looking for family finding or your brother didn't want you to have anything to do with his kids. As an adopter it feels very intrusive to me I am sorry to say.

lizziemun · 03/02/2011 11:04

Can I ask what do you think you can add to them when you say the following.

My brother & his dp had their kids taken away a number of times (reasons not known to me). They have now been adopted out.
How would I go about seeing if it is possible to meet them?
I have never met them before.
I don't have a relationship with my brother.

But also say I just feel like I can fill them in on a few things if they have questions.
I know my brother very well.
He's a strange one.

You are clearly not part of either his or his children life.

RunawayFishWife · 03/02/2011 11:09

Stay away, the poor children do not need any more confusion

maryz · 03/02/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parker1313 · 03/02/2011 19:19

I agree with you all. I would never want to disrupt them or cause anything upsetting
I will be staying away. I will do the form that will b placed on their file.
Just to add. I moved away from my home town to try to start a fresh. My upbringing was difficult & my brother scared me.
I was not mature enough to even think that I could help in any way. I was trying to start my own family etc.
Social services did visit me and ask me about our childhood.
I'm feeling very guilty now Iv read these comments &have to live with knowing I may of been able help.
Please dont have a go at me anyone Sad

OP posts:
bamboostalks · 03/02/2011 19:24

You have nothing to feel bad about whatsoever. Sometimes you have to survive yourself. Ignore the unkind comments, you know that your motives are good.

maryz · 03/02/2011 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

microserf · 03/02/2011 22:32

oh hon, don't feel bad. it's to your credit that you want to be involved, but it's a difficult situation.

i agree with maryz, you would not have been considered a good candidate to take on their care due simply to the family relationship, and without having all the facts, it sounds like being placed with a loving adoptive family is the best thing for these kids.

when they are adults, they may have questions for you, like health history. it would be nice to be able to get that information from someone like you where there isn't the difficult emotional baggage they will likely have with their parents. let them determine what their contact needs will be when they are old enough, are emotionally ready and can make a decision to initiate contact on their own terms as an adult.

as an adopted person, i can say, it is nice to know someone thinks of you and would be willing to talk with you if you wanted to, even if you don't take them up on their offer or wait quite a while to do it. when i met my birth family, i was really touched by how my grandparents filled that role for me and it really helped me. the actual meeting with the birth parents and subsequent relationship has been pretty much agony and misery, so it was great to have some more neutral adults i could talk to.

right now though, they are building crucial bonds with their new family, and that process needs time.

parker1313 · 04/02/2011 21:12

Thankyou SO much to the last 3 people. This has really helped.
I feel I know what I am going to do now and that it's the right thing for the children.
Thankyou again.

OP posts:
melvinscomment · 04/03/2011 16:47

@ parker1313 :- Re your question "would their names be completely changed?" I think adopted children are given a replacement birth certificate, which I think must have the adopters named as mother and father. Presumably the adopters decide what the childs christian name(s) will be, which may or may not be the ones given to them by the natural parent(s).

Re your comments "I know my brother very well. He's a strange one. I have to admit as well. I can't help wondering what happened and what they did." Strange as it may seem, your brother, and or his wife or partner, didn't necessarily physically harm the children. Being a "strange one" is sufficient! Some children are harmed before they are adopted. For others it is sufficient that they are likely to suffer significant harm if left in the care of the parent(s). So your brother and or his wife or partner may or may not have actually physically harmed the children before they were adopted.

KristinaM · 11/03/2011 19:17

just a point of information - adopted children do not get a replacement birth certificate with the adoptive parents names

they get an document called an extract from the adopted children's register, which shows very clearly that they are adopted

like all children they can also get an abbreviated birth certificate which does not show the parenst names, just the child's

and yes, adoptive parents get to choose their children given names, just like other parents. but it would be unusual to change the first names of school aged children

hester · 11/03/2011 20:48

parker, I adopted a 10 month old baby, and even at that age there was strong pressure from social services NOT to change her name (we haven't). I would be amazed if your db's children have their names changed - unless there are really strong reasons for doing so.

They will probably take a new surname, though.

I know this must be very hard for you. Take care of yourself x

havenobrain · 22/03/2011 20:31

Thanku. Iv made a few calls and someone is calling me back. Iv explained that I would just like them to know that the adoptive parents can tell the children that wee all exist if they wish and that we will welcome any contact at anytime.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 22/03/2011 20:37

Leaving it so that they can contact you when they wish to is the best way. Right now they have had a confusing and frightening time, and the appearance of another stranger claiming some sort of kinship with them (you have never met them so you are a stranger, biological link notwithstanding) is only going to confuse and frightthen them more.

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