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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Considering surrogacy, all a bit overwhelming!

68 replies

rocketupbum · 26/01/2011 21:06

I am seriously considering offering to be a surrogate for some friends of ours. It is something I have thought about for a while and it all fits. I have been trying to do as much research as poss before offering, so as not to cause any disappointment. I am finding the websites a bit hard to get along with. They are obviously mostly geared towards people looking for matches and perhaps mostly intended parents. They are also a bit too nice (I have been so used to the harsh MN way it is all a bit wierd and full of "huns" and "hugs")
I wondered how many surro mums there were on here and how you went about it etc? I feel I just want some more straight talking and a bit less fluffy stuff. I dont want to be an "angel" I would just like to have a baby for people who would make great parents!

OP posts:

hester · 26/01/2011 23:22

I don't have any advice to offer, just didn't want you to feel alone! I'm sure someone will be along soon... in the meantime, best of luck to you.

Original poster

rocketupbum · 27/01/2011 10:14

Oh thanks! I am always impressed by people who reply out of the kindness of their hearts! Hopefully a straight talking surrgate will be along shortly.

OP posts:

hester · 27/01/2011 21:03

I had a very complex and lengthy journey to parenthood myself, rocket, so have lots of sympathy for others in the same boat.

Hope you get some weekend traffic...

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter · 27/01/2011 21:07

Go along to COTS message board and just say what you;ve just said! Quite a few people just sign up for a bit of support and advice in your situation

www.surrogacy.org.uk/cgi-bin/discus/discus.cgi

There are a couple of surrogates on here already and I am sure they'll pop up!

MakemineaGandT · 27/01/2011 21:08

Wow - best of luck to you. I had a conversation with my DH along these lines once and said I would do it for my sister if need be and his reaction was immediate and very negative which took me by surprise. If you have a partner, what are his thoughts? best of luck to you

NonnoMum · 27/01/2011 21:09

Very interesting. I hope everything goes the way you want it to.

One thing that I would consider, is have you completed your own family? Just in case the procedure should compromise your own ability to have another child, how would you feel about that?

(am sure you have considered all these things, but just wanted to carry on the conversation without treating you like an angel - big hugs!)

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter · 27/01/2011 21:15

I can give you any tips on conception down the line ... lol

Seriously though, my surro never spoke to anyone apart from us, she approached us, we took some convincing (you're sure? you will? why? what if you change your mind? you're sure? why? etc LOL)

Original poster

rocketupbum · 28/01/2011 08:36

Thanks all, it is great to hear about it from your point of view QOD.
I am pretty sure I have completed my brood. I do feel occasionally broody at that time of the month but that soon disappears after a noisy and chaotic tea/bedtime! I also know if I couldnt have any more I would not be devavasted.
Did you do straight or host QOD? I think I would be more comfortable with host on balance. It is so hard to know how you will feel once the baby is inside. I do think that if that egg and sperm have taken such a different journey from my kids (not made out of our love and desire for a family - bugger now I sound all fluffy too!) then the baby was never mine in the first place.
Lots of food for thought still. I just want to make sure I have done all the research and thinking before we put the offer out there. On that note my DH is very supportive. He is a complete legend!

OP posts:

HaveToWearHeels · 28/01/2011 16:19

WOW what a wonderful gift Rocket.
Can't offer any advise I am afraid, just tht I can see your point about being a "host", biologicaly the baby would have now connection to you, it would just be renting a womb.
Best of luck with the decision.

HaveToWearHeels · 28/01/2011 16:19

got my typing is bad !

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter · 28/01/2011 18:19

Straight - the thing of course with host it that essentially it's IVF with complications - 1 person to harvest from, 1 to implant into.

Straight meant much much higher chance of success

naturalbaby · 25/03/2011 14:43

Are there any other surrogates-to-be about, or any posters from this thread? I'm trying to work out how to begin the journey into becoming a surrogate mum and wondering how long it can take or where the best place is for a bit of regular chat from other surrogate mums?

i've had a look at the websites suggested here and it looks like the quickest and easiest thing to do is send off a form to cots? the idea of going to socials and events to meet intended parents seems a bit harder in a way.

also, how do surrogates partners react? mine thinks i've lost the plot but i really want to do this and not just give up because he doesn't like the idea.

surfandturf · 25/03/2011 14:56

Marking my place because I've been thinking about becoming a surrogate too.

We have definately completed our own family and we both agree we don't want to have any more children of our own, but I really loved being pregnant and would love to be pregnant again. I had a very small gap between my 2 DCs and didn't feel I got the most out of my 2nd pregnancy.

My biological clock is ticking and I would love to be able to do this for another couple who are struggling. I discussed it with my DH and he was ok about it but felt that he would rather do it for someone we know

I also feel it would be less emotionally tying if the baby wasn't biologically mine but I understand that it is harder for success when you go down the IVF route.

naturalbaby · 25/03/2011 15:01

My baby is only 8weeks old so it would be a while before I will be pregnant again as my children are very young, but it seems like it takes quite a while before the first attempt at getting pregnant so I was wondering whether to make the first steps now to get the ball rolling or whether to wait a bit. All the stuff about health checks, wills, GP letter etc I'm not ready for but I am ready to join a group and start getting information and planning.

It seems like a daft question to ask but can I really go through with this if my husband is really against it? It's not like he's forbidden me to do it but he doesn't want me to (at the moment!). We've been through a lot over the last year, nothing serious, so we need to settle down and look after our family for a bit. I'm just looking at all my maternity stuff wondering whether to keep it or sell it!

Geepers · 25/03/2011 15:06

I have done both host and straight surrogacy, the first time having boy/girl twins and the second time a little boy.

I don't give it much thought any more but at the time it was wonderful, but be prepared for it to take over your whole life, and that of your family.

I'm very proud of being a surrogate and it's a wonderful feeling to give a couple the gift of a family after so many years of heartache. I am a very maternal person (I have six children of my own) but I didn't find surrogacy as emotionally challenging as I anticipated. The joy you get from sharing everything with the parents is worth every minute of doubt, discomfort and pain.

Original poster

rocketupbum · 02/04/2011 21:38

It is interesting to hear other peoples stories. I have spent some time on the surrogacy uk website and there is certainly alot of info there. I would feel nervous about socials and meets, how the bloody hell do you choose from all those lovely people who have long and emotional stories?

OP posts:

surrofab · 11/05/2011 15:42

Im a surrogate too and loved every minute of it! Just get in touch with any questions xx

yukoncher · 13/05/2011 18:41

Will the baby not be able to benefit from being breastfed due to this set up?
and are you getting paid?

Baring a child takes a lot out of a woman, sucks the life from you physically,a nd to not have the joy of producing your own child from it could make it all seem like such a massive sacrifice.

Are you satisfied with the children you've already had, and sure you don't want anymore for yourself?

tiptoptally · 12/06/2011 23:48

I've just seen this thread and it's made me cry to see that there ARE people out there willing to give people the greatest gift ever. You're all fab and if I ever find someone like you to help us become parents I will be forever grateful!!! LOVED the post "The joy you get from sharing everything with the parents is worth every minute of doubt, discomfort and pain.".
Could anyone tell me about the costs/difficulties/how the surrogate feels? I feel I need a few months just to come to terms with not carrying my own baby before setting the whole process in motion, but would like to know what we'll be facing. It's host surrogacy we'll be looking for.
Thanks

naturalbaby · 23/06/2011 14:33

bumping the post again for tiptoptally. have put my plans to be a surrogate on hold for a bit but still hope to do it one day. would love to hear more about other people's experiences but there don't seem to be many stories or discussions about. i'm not sure i could do the route with socials and meets - i'd want to have a baby for everyone! i'd rather hand in an application form and be matched up to a family.

Pang · 23/06/2011 15:10

Don't do it if you DH is not in agreement. You will need a lot of support during the pregnancy. And making someone else happy could potential destroy your marriage.

Sorry to be negative, but you both need to agree.

naturalbaby · 23/06/2011 15:40

yes, i totally agree so am a bit sad that my dh is so against it. am hoping once our babies are all a bit older we can discuss it again - we've just had quite a few babies very close together so i think the thought of another pregnancy is really not something he wants to think about right now!

Original poster

rocketupbum · 23/06/2011 21:23

Sorry I havent responded for ages! We are now a tiny bit further down the line in having a date for some joint counselling with our friends. I think the idea is to make sure we are not being coerced into it and also make sure we are in agreement with regard to the worst case scenarios etc.
I still feel confident I can do it. My biggest concern is the level of responsibilty really, for eg. I did have odd small glass of wine with my 2 pregnancies and I am not sure how I am going to feel this time. I am also interested to know how other surros coped with telling people that it is "not my baby"! I work in a job where I meet lots of people and it might be a little odd to deal with the surrogate discussion 15 times a day.
On a final note my DH is completely behind the decision, very much discussed between us from the start. Oh and I am as sure as any woman that I do not want any more kids of my own. I am loving the older ages of mine and I am not, in all honesty, a huge lover of the baby stage (leaking boobs/no sleep/no sex/lots of poo...)

OP posts:

Pang · 28/06/2011 16:13

I am curious about how you explain to the other children in the family that the baby will not be staying with you? How do they react to this - is there a since of loss for them?

Original poster

rocketupbum · 28/06/2011 20:28

I think that is a good question pang. I plan to explain it that our friends tummy is broken so I am looking after it for her. My 2 are young enough to not ask too many biological questions( if these do come up it could be a good time to answer some!). Also I will try to make sure my kids see our friends fairly regularly and know that the baby is theirs. I also plan to speak directly to school so that nothing is lost in translation.

OP posts:

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