Single Parenting Total Burnout Urgently Need Advice

[Catsamores]

I really need some tips/hacks/advice. I've been experiencing burnout for some time but fighting through it and it's getting worse. my children NEVER run out off steam - they are full on noise/trashing things/fighting/constantly active with a 4-5 hour window at night - if I am lucky where I am not disturbed - this has been consistent for 10 years.

I have a demanding job and they will not do before school clubs/after school clubs/babysitters. I wfh and they interrupt calls and call me names for working when they are at home. I have a job where if work comes in, I need to deal with it immediately.

The relationship with my parents isn't great and we receive incredibly little support despite living a few doors away from us - they were the same as parents - just not interested basically. And the other grandparents are dead from my ex who is totally useless. I find friendships very fairweather and they seem to only want to know if everything is good, as soon as I say I am struggling, it's silence, or someone who has it harder will be brought up, so I have given up on discussing with people, as they just do not want to know. The only friend who really cared and tried to help has backed off because having my children around was too stressful - she has her own issues with her children and I really do not blame her at all. Playdates were just unpleasant and not enjoyable anymore. Other kind people in our lives are struggling too so I just cannot bring myself to ask for help.

The school are doing their best to support me and are very kind but they can only do so much. getting them to school is utterly exhausting. It is a huge battle daily and I feel like crying every morning by the time they are in. I come home and have to start work. My house is completely cluttered and messy. I've had cleaners but they cannot help with the cluttter. I clear it out and more builds.

I have ADHD and an appointment soon to discuss starting medication but I am scared of the side effects. I will try it though as I dread to think where I am heading if I do not do something.

I don't know where to turn anymore..

Others out there in similar situations, what helped? no matter how big or small, I need to know anything I can implement that will help. Organisation, diaries and timers do not work as i constantly set them wrong to the point I don't trust them and switch them off or forget/ignore them.

Should I speak to social services? I have never had involvement but maybe I should.

sorry to hear of your struggles. You can certainly ask SS for help and also ask your GP surgery for a referral to a social prescriber and an occupational therapist that may help you get organised at home

Routine helps me.
Do the same things at the same times if you can, as often as possible. Put things back as soon as possible in the place they should go. If they don't go anywhere, think where you would look first for that thing and put it there.

Things - have as few as possible. Don't have lots of changes of clothes, either for you, or for the kids. Work out the minimum you need and have that, no more. Throw away anything broken that you're not going to mend straight away.

Don't make elaborate dinners, ever. (Unless cooking is relaxing for you, it's just stressful for me)

Take everyone to the dentist at the same time.
Order food shopping online, get the same basic food every time.
Put all bills on standing order or direct debit.

I have a paper calendar where I write down things like appointments but also when the library books are due back. Anything you need to remember but probably won't. (I get mine from Flying Tiger)

Don't iron anything. In fact, don't buy anything that needs ironing.
As soon as your kids' clothes look too small, replace them with the same kind of thing but bigger. Same for shoes, if they like the ones they've got get the same ones but a size bigger. Takes the thought out of it which is the bit where I get stuck.

I didn't realise I had so many coping strategies 😱I know how overwhelming it feels, believe me, especially with the sleep deprivation on top, but try to reduce complexity wherever you can. It's helped me keep going. (One ADHD DC and two autistic DC here)
Wherever you can simplify something, do. The more I reduce complication, the better I feel.

This sounds awful but remember YOU are the parent and if YOU say they go to wraparound, that’s what they do
I feel you need this for your own sanity!!

Do they also have SN? And how old are they? This sounds very unusual in terms of the intensity. A bit more info about the children themselves might help other posters to advise.

What do you mean they won’t do clubs? It’s not manageable to work with them at home do they will have to stay to after school club.

If your children are young enough to need an after school clubs then use the club so you can work in peace. It’s near impossible to look after young children and work. They don’t get to dictate if they go or not, you do as the parent. Could one of the reasons they are playing up after school is because they are wanting your attention and you are trying to work?

Yes you sound like you need SS input and a parenting course. Plus perhaps a diagnostic pathway for your children for ND as well as you exploring medication for your ADHD. You are a single mum and I get that’s hard (I have been there before) but at the end of the day you are the adult. The children sound like they have been raised with very little in the way of boundaries, responsibilities or respect. This is how teenagers end up on the streets causing all kinds of chaos as they don’t care about anyone or anything and think their actions have no consequences.

Of course they will do before / after school clubs. They’re children. If they’re young enough to need wrap around care they’re young enough to have no say in whether they go or not.

Take them!

No SN or concerns from school but I have ADHD and I see many similar traits

Thank you this is really helpful practical advice

They just won't go. School is enough, and that is completely draining and a huge battle to get them there. When they've been to wrap around clubs, they cry and seem visibly traumatised when I pick them up. I've tried many times over the years and came to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth it in the end..
They are both extremely sensitive - not just to people, to noise and lights. As soon as they come out of school they just want to be indoors at home and decompress. I was exactly the same.

They always want my attention but I feel that is normal. I think the fact there is only one active parent doesn't help. The other is just a person who picks them up and takes the bowling or to the cinema every now and again. He's not involved in their everyday life, so I am everything basically.

I understand what you are saying but it doesn’t sound like the children are decompressing, it’s sounds like they are being destructive/distracting when you’re trying to work. You have to put yourself first when you can which I understand is limited when you’re a single parent and if I was you I would focus on this part of the day as it’s important you maintain your employment.

Why is there only one active parent? Him being useless obviously got him off the hook didn't it? How many children and what ages are they?
The father really needs to be lent on, its ridiculous that you are being left to cope with this.

True. It all makes a lot of sense when I see it written down in front of me but implementing it seems too much. The first thing they said this morning was I can't believe it's school tomorrow and they're moping about totally depressed. I'll take them out shortly as we can't stay in - it's never good. I think yesterday was particularly bad for us because it was halloween and they were totally hypo.

In the short term, pick your battles. Accept a messy cluttered house, agree a routine with them and stick to it. Children get to decompress after school but they also have to stick to the family routine.

Get them to start helping around the house. It is like pulling teeth to start but getting them to put their toys away before watching tv etc really helps take something off the list.

Trying to work while they are home sound impossible so in the medium term consider how you could change your hours so you don’t have to do both. A babysitter in the house while you are working upstairs could be a possible compromise?

if you and possibly your children have adhd then building in time to regulate for everyone is so important. What would that look like for you? What calms you down? The more regulated you are, the more you can help them.

Other PPs have mentioned routine, a strict and regular routine for the children will help. They will always moan and mope about school etc but that’s just kids. It’s our job as parents just to carry on regardless and not to engage with the moping. I mean, we could all do that about work but we just have to crack on 🙂

He was very abusive so I have to keep him at arms length - it's better that way. If I ever ask for help, it's met with, 'well I will have the children full time then if you can't cope' and I'll be called useless etc. He threatens to move them to his grotty flat and to a new area where they know no-one. There is never a balanced compromise. He recently suggested organising a birthday party for one of them and I felt quite excited as I find the organising very stressful - he wanted all of my friends numbers as he doesn't have them (obviously) as never organised a party or even does a school run. Only for me to be told that I can't come to my own sons birthday as his new girlfriend wouldn't like it - When I have organised every single party and invited him to them all - some of which he hasn't come to. That's what I am dealing with.

I agree routine is what they need, but unfortunately ADHD and routine are not friends. I have lived a very chaotic and disorganised life which has been extremely challenging hence why I have been diagnosed.

Swimming works very well for us as a family and we walk our neighbours dog sometimes.

Well, he’s sounds like one bit of clutter you’ve dealt with admirably.

Sympathies OP, you’ve got a huge amount on. Is there any point making bathtime a soothing routine? It often works and lavender bath stuff genuinely calms everyone down.

You need an action plan.

If you’re on the verge of burnout out then you need to take some time off sick before you end up in full burnout.

• Make an appointment with children’s class teachers and Senco and get the referals for assessment ball rolling. Look into right to choose. If your children are struggling in school then they need adjustments.
• what are the children like in school?
• How old are the children? Sounds they need more movement input.
• Apply for dla, use the money to pay for sensory equipment or OT assessments
• Do they have ECHP?
• While your off recovering, set a 30 min timer each day to declutter. The biggest part of decluttering is not bringing more stuff into the house.

Op they’re manipulating you. Of course they have to go if you don’t pick them up.

Honestly the level of manipulation of parents by their kids now is horrendous. You need to take control and stop seeing them through a lens of purely maternal love.

They’re fine at school because they know how to behave when with somebody who won’t tolerate their bullshit.

One thing that I find reassuring is that the youngest who can be very emotionally dysregulated, does apologise unprompted when he calms down and recognises his mistakes but they are still very young and I would say a bit behind others emotionally. They still walk around with teddy bears etc and the eldest is 10. My youngest has been trying to practice breathing exercises (off his own back) as he wants to improve. I believe that despite the chaos, they both have quite high EQ like I do. Of course I worry about the teenage years as they were a disaster for me and I feel that if they do have ADHD it's just not obvious enough to get a diagnosis. There is so much negativity about over diagnosis in the press at the moment too.