Single Parenting Total Burnout Urgently Need Advice

[Catsamores]

I really need some tips/hacks/advice. I've been experiencing burnout for some time but fighting through it and it's getting worse. my children NEVER run out off steam - they are full on noise/trashing things/fighting/constantly active with a 4-5 hour window at night - if I am lucky where I am not disturbed - this has been consistent for 10 years.

I have a demanding job and they will not do before school clubs/after school clubs/babysitters. I wfh and they interrupt calls and call me names for working when they are at home. I have a job where if work comes in, I need to deal with it immediately.

The relationship with my parents isn't great and we receive incredibly little support despite living a few doors away from us - they were the same as parents - just not interested basically. And the other grandparents are dead from my ex who is totally useless. I find friendships very fairweather and they seem to only want to know if everything is good, as soon as I say I am struggling, it's silence, or someone who has it harder will be brought up, so I have given up on discussing with people, as they just do not want to know. The only friend who really cared and tried to help has backed off because having my children around was too stressful - she has her own issues with her children and I really do not blame her at all. Playdates were just unpleasant and not enjoyable anymore. Other kind people in our lives are struggling too so I just cannot bring myself to ask for help.

The school are doing their best to support me and are very kind but they can only do so much. getting them to school is utterly exhausting. It is a huge battle daily and I feel like crying every morning by the time they are in. I come home and have to start work. My house is completely cluttered and messy. I've had cleaners but they cannot help with the cluttter. I clear it out and more builds.

I have ADHD and an appointment soon to discuss starting medication but I am scared of the side effects. I will try it though as I dread to think where I am heading if I do not do something.

I don't know where to turn anymore..

Others out there in similar situations, what helped? no matter how big or small, I need to know anything I can implement that will help. Organisation, diaries and timers do not work as i constantly set them wrong to the point I don't trust them and switch them off or forget/ignore them.

Should I speak to social services? I have never had involvement but maybe I should.

Thank you - my youngest does love his bath and asks for it every evening.

Please not another ‘claim benefits’ as the answer.

OP needs to leave her kids at after school club, assume some authority and get shit done.

Falling into a trap of needing benefits and ‘support’ is a recipe for disaster for all of them.

The kids are fine hence their behaving in school and running rings round OP

They mask at school and when they come home, they let it all out. I see genuine emotional stress and not manipulation. Of course a certain level of manipulation goes on with all children about school when they want a duvet day but this is on another level. They have CAHMS and a specialist class every couple of days with a trained teacher who deals with emotional issues, so all is not 100% perfect at school. In terms of misbehaving and school, they do not misbehave and are very respectful and follow the rules, but emotional issues have been picked up and are being dealt with.

With respect I’m willing to bet those issues come from living in a cluttered, disorganised house with a very stressed and overwhelmed mother. Hence being calmer at school. You need to take control for them. Which isn’t easy but a lifetime of benefits and leaning into diagnoses is a recipe for disaster and a pair of NEETs in 10 years.

Movement for them is important and they need it every day so we do the park and walks/swimming. They start new clubs and lose interest ( I have to be present at the club for them to even go) but after a while it becomes like school and becomes another stress.

and thank you for the other suggestions - it's really helpful to see options and ideas written down

I am trying to declutter as I know how important that it and will keep trying to tackle it. I am also having their bedroom redecorated soon to help them be more organised and have a clearer space

It’s not just about the clutter, you seem stressed and out of your depth; and I think you mentioned dad being absent due to abuse? It’s not surprising they have issues with emotional regulation at the moment. But that doesn’t mean the answer is benefits and leaning into diagnoses

You need to find what regulates them that they can do alone and quietly enough for you to get on with work.
A climbing frame in the garden, a swing, dark den or just a dark room with soothing lights and music, weighted blanket, balancing beam and steps for a little circuit.
Walking home from school with a heavy bag might be a good start for the transition, then a crunchy snack then send them off to either a sensory area or in the garden to whilst you work.

Where does OP say anything about benefits?
OP is working and doing her all to get her children into school everyday.

Yes and I commend her for that. I know it’s not easy. But there are so many replies ‘claim benefits! Claim benefits!’ It’s really depressing.

I think perhaps their behaviours are also cries for your attention. They need your help regulating themselves. I recognise the behaviours and what they seem to need is your full attention to calm them and make them feel secure as they transition from school to home. Then they will be able to let you get on with your work.

I have a very similar situation and what I know is if they think your mind is always elsewhere they sense it and act out until they can feel secure and calm. You are the centre of their world and you work on your own calmness and not feeling burnout to be able to help them. It’s really really hard I know. Big deep breath, so it together with them, and be present. It will get easier but it’s harder first.

You need to focus on solutions to solve the problem.

Is the DC’s dad allowed contact? It seemed he was willing to host a birthday party but you put blockers in the way, because you weren’t invited (quite normal), not that he is abusive. This has created more stress kind of ‘cut your own nose off’.

Some other solutions.
Can dad have one of the DC’s at a time after school, or ‘sometimes’ to give you and DC’s a break. This would help you (and he) give each child devoted time or each child some calm time. (and allowing you some time to work)
During this time you could work individually with each child to declutter, sort out their bedroom etc.
Even an hour is of help. Small steps.

Is there WRAC which is mainly outdoor based, sport or forest school. That would address the DC’s stress inside. They need to attend, no excuses.

Think in the positive, what can you do to make changes? Some may be tiny but all will be incremental. Start with one, focus until it is in place, consistently and embedded. Then move on to the next solution. Keep praising yourself and the DC’s as solutions are found.

Can you afford to get a babysitter at home - not to allow you to go out (unless you want) but just to help so that you have another pair of hands.

Choose someone calm and calming.

Again, if you have the money, can you consider a residential holiday at some point for your children (e.g. PGL) so you get a break.

For yourself, I would make your top priority rest, not decluttering (although living in a clear and organised household is definitely helpful and there are good strategies upthread). Try to deliberately carve out time for a reset - in your lunch hour if there is no other time available.

Does having the TV on for an hour or two after work help distract and calm them while you work?

Also, I would suggest discussing it with your children in a sit-down meeting with them. Say that you need their help in occupying themselves while you work and ask them for their own strategies. (They may not have enough self-control to actually implement them if they are difficult and highly energetic - but it helps to start them thinking about the fact that the family has an issue you need to tackle together.)

Lastly, from what you are saying above I think you are doing a lot already - and your kids sound aware and nice (I love it that your younger one is doing breathing exercises already off his own bat!). They will self-regulate better as they mature. You will all get there!

OP don’t feel condemned by this. I have struggled with being messy my whole life and if you are like that being tidier and more organised is easier said than done. After school club did not work for me either. Can you speak to your employer about reorganising your hours around school hours? I find that even now at 12 and 15 my children want me to be available after school. I really hope things improve for you and you get some help.

OP there are lots of comments on this thread which shows people just don’t understand the realities of SEND parenting. I would join an online ADHD parenting group and ask for advice on there from people who know what has worked for their children.