TW - child sexual abuse

[Help2me]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking or wanting from this but not sure I know who or where to speak to in real life. I need to tell my DH but don’t know where to start.

When I was a teenager, I found out my older sister previously said my DF had sexually abused her. I wasn’t ever given any more details. She asked if anything had ever happen to me and as far as I know it didn’t. This was never mentioned again by anyone. (My mum and dad were separated by this point).

My DF and DSis have always had a volatile relationship, she also has up and down relationship with my DM and pretty much everyone.

This was pretty much never mentioned again. There was only ever one other time that I suspect it may have been discussed. We were in a pub at a party and my DS was upset (which always happens after she’s had a drink, no matter who she is with) and I walked in to my DF saying I dont know why I did it. I don’t know 100% that it’s about this but my gut feeling took me back to the time i mentioned above.

I have a fairly good relationship with my DF and have never really known how to deal with this but have always ensured he was never alone with my DD just in case. My DH doesn’t know any of this, because how do you even begin this conversation.

My DF and DS have now had a big falling out again. At a party a few weeks ago, my DM asked me if I knew what happened, this is the first time she had ever spoken about it (I had no idea before if she knew anything about it.) She told me, she had gone to the police at the time, I was apparently examined medically but then she dropped it and said she had made it all up. Again it’s never been mentioned since.

Today I’ve received a phone call from social services telling me there has been a serious allegation about my DF and they need to understand his relationship with my DD. They could not tell me the allegation only assess if my DD is safe. As she is never alone with DF and he’s never baby sit her they are happy there is no risk but would reassess if they find out this isn’t true. They have asked to review her medical records and contact her school. All of which I’ve agreed to.

Now where to go from here. I need to tell my DH, I need to process what’s about to happen in my family. How on earth do I move forward.

i am very sorry this happened. i can't imagine the trauma. If i were your DP this would be a deal breaker for me. To have my child constantly around an offender when you knew all along i couldn't trust you again. Please prepare for you DP to react badly.

It's very traumatic for you and i recommend therapy. It sounds like your dad has reoffended again

I’ve spoken briefly to my mum. My DS has gone back to the police regarding the original allegation. I don’t have any detail of what that entails.

My child has never been alone with him.

When you say never alone do you mean with your mum as the second person or do you mean with you to ensure never alone? I agree with pp though I would find this

I find it very weird and worrying how you have minimised this. I also would find it very hard to get past if I was your DP. You've taken away his ability to keep his daughter safe. You say never alone - what happens if you visit and you pop to the toilet and he gets a cup of tea because he doesn't know your dad sexually abuses children?

Tbh I think you're being very unreasonable.

To have a relationship with someone who sexually abused your sister? And allow your young child around him?

Do you really want the bother of social services sniffing around you forever?

I'd cut all contact with him OP.

No man, blood relation or not is worth the hassle.

With me, Mum and Dad are not together haven’t been since I was a teen.

We never go to his house, they only occasionally come here.

When we see him it’s usually in a restaurant for dinner or something.

Im not trying to minimise this.

My DS is a very turbulent person, a passing screaming comment as a teen wasn’t something I could write my whole relationship with my dad off from.

She has never spoken to me about it as an adult or since I’ve had my own children.

She’s had a relationship with my dad as an adult and only since they have fallen out over something unrelated has she brought all this back up.

My mums just told me that she dropped it originally saying she didn’t want to hurt my mum. I have never been told any of this even happened.

Why on earth would you stay in contact witj him knowing what he did to your poor sister?! Especially with a child of your own?!

Do you allow him to take photos of your child??

Agree - you had no right to keep it from him

also saying in brackets your sister gets upset when she’s been drinking is rather unsympathetic - I can imagine this is one of the ways it affects her

I think it’s easy to throw judgement when your not in the situation.
op I wish you well. As someone who was abused as a child by a sibling, who hasn’t told a soul (apart from my therapist!)
I understand it all. Be gentle with yourself and reach out to your sister - don’t be her therapist but let her know you love her and that somethings make sense now.

People who have been sexually abused as children tend to be ‘turbulent’

Yes, instead of calling her turbulent and saying she gets upset when she’s drinks

and also confess to your DP and apologise

Do you believe your sister or not? I can’t tell from your posts. I think there lies the issue

I missed that somehow that they were not together.

These things are all easy to say when it’s put together in a few paragraphs.

It’s quite different when it’s your life.

No one has ever given me any actual information. No one told me I was medically examined. My DS has had an adult relationship with my DF. The passing comment was 30+ years ago.

I didn’t come here to get attacked.

I can’t imagine anyone would make it up so I guess yes but equally have no idea what the actual allegation is (or if that even matters). My head is all over the place.

Im upset neither my DS or my DM has pre-warned me that this was about to happen.

Sorry I don’t think I was clear in my rambling post. Head is a mess.

It’s easy to say this when you know the facts.

What a shitstorm of a situation.

Your priority should be your dh and dd right now. Your dh is going to feel very betrayed, thats a hell of a thing to keep from him. Your dd will likely have questions when shes older as well as to why you allowed someone you suspected to be a paedophile around her. I would look at some urgent family counselling.

It sounds like your sister tried to tell you as best she could, but your Mum should definitely have made sure you knew she full story, especially when you had a daughter.

You've been let down by your family and you've let your dh and dd down as well.

I hope you can all unpick your way through this, and that your dsis is ok and gets some support finally.

I’m sad to see you’re feeling attacked here, these things are incredibly complex. I was abused as a child and have told nobody apart from my therapist. Even my husband does not
know. These things are not easy to talk about, I know that all too well.

Clearly you do need to tell your husband now though, and agree whatever steps it takes for all of you to feel that your own child is safe. I wish you well, and your sister too.

Thank you to the couple of posters who have been kind.

Im very sorry to hear several of you went through this as a child. I can not even begin to imagine the pain.

Ive spoken to my DH. He’s been incredibly supportive. He obviously knows the people involved and like me is completely torn by the situation. Our DC are our priority. We want to protect them from what ever is to come firstly. He agrees that there has never been a risk to our DC. And can see why until a couple of weeks ago when my mum brought it up that I couldn’t act on the tiny snippet of information I had.

I personally think people are being quite harsh on you. You heard it when you were a teenager, you had no proof and as a society we are conditioned to want 6 witnesses and a confession in blood when a man is accused of rape or sexual abuse. Your sister also recanted - which is normal - but probably wasn’t understood well at the time.
if you believe your sister you need to stop letting your father around your daughter. Tell your partner and explain you didn’t know what to think but always kept precautions. He’s probably going to feel betrayed you didn’t tell him and for you to cut contact. Are you willing to do these things?

Maybe this is why your sister is so turbulent.

She obviously doesn’t know. That’s the point. I get that this is a highly emotive subject but people need to digest the thread and engage brain before starting to stick the boot into the op.

It sounds like her ‘turbulent’ sister mentioned this once and then it was never spoken of again. Both maintained relationships with the father. But if it wasn’t brought up, reported or discussed in many years it naturally puts op in a difficult position where she doesn’t really know or understand what may or may not have happened.

Given that it’s now been reported and SS/police are involved i would absolutely keep your distance op. Your own kids need to be your priority.

Thank you for the support. You are correct, it was brought up once when I was a teenager then told to forget about it and never mention it again. Obviously there has been moments when I’ve thought about it again, but then it was 30 ish years ago. I’ve never seen / heard anything else that suggested it was true. My DS has maintained an adult relationship (although and up and down one, but that’s the same as most people not unique to her and my DF). I guess had we had a relationship where the kids might want to go alone then I’d have had to reexplore those feelings but we don’t. We pretty much always meet for dinner out and his house isn’t really somewhere we would visit so I’ve been able to keep it all well buried in the traumatic thoughts part of the brain. I am 100% confident my DC haven’t been at risk.