TW - child sexual abuse

[Help2me]

I’m not really sure what I’m asking or wanting from this but not sure I know who or where to speak to in real life. I need to tell my DH but don’t know where to start.

When I was a teenager, I found out my older sister previously said my DF had sexually abused her. I wasn’t ever given any more details. She asked if anything had ever happen to me and as far as I know it didn’t. This was never mentioned again by anyone. (My mum and dad were separated by this point).

My DF and DSis have always had a volatile relationship, she also has up and down relationship with my DM and pretty much everyone.

This was pretty much never mentioned again. There was only ever one other time that I suspect it may have been discussed. We were in a pub at a party and my DS was upset (which always happens after she’s had a drink, no matter who she is with) and I walked in to my DF saying I dont know why I did it. I don’t know 100% that it’s about this but my gut feeling took me back to the time i mentioned above.

I have a fairly good relationship with my DF and have never really known how to deal with this but have always ensured he was never alone with my DD just in case. My DH doesn’t know any of this, because how do you even begin this conversation.

My DF and DS have now had a big falling out again. At a party a few weeks ago, my DM asked me if I knew what happened, this is the first time she had ever spoken about it (I had no idea before if she knew anything about it.) She told me, she had gone to the police at the time, I was apparently examined medically but then she dropped it and said she had made it all up. Again it’s never been mentioned since.

Today I’ve received a phone call from social services telling me there has been a serious allegation about my DF and they need to understand his relationship with my DD. They could not tell me the allegation only assess if my DD is safe. As she is never alone with DF and he’s never baby sit her they are happy there is no risk but would reassess if they find out this isn’t true. They have asked to review her medical records and contact her school. All of which I’ve agreed to.

Now where to go from here. I need to tell my DH, I need to process what’s about to happen in my family. How on earth do I move forward.

Your poor sister.

It sounds like the whole family turned a blind eye and maintained some kind of relationship with your father.

The abuse is bad enough but the fact that her family either does not believe her or brushed it under the carpet must be devastating. No wonder the poor woman has some issues to this day.

I would cease all contact with a man who abused a child and that includes a parent. There is nothing to be 'torn' about. It is pretty straightforward.

I hope your sister goes to the police and finally make sure that all of this is exposed and that the rest of your family finally supports her.

I would ditch both my parents over this. Your mum wasn’t even married to him after this - why on earth did she cover for him? If your sister was willing to make it public then you had a right to know at that point. I’m also baffled that you never asked your sister about it after what she said, even in a roundabout way. You believed it enough to keep your DD away from him. Your family sounds completely dysfunctional.

Missing the point but how did you not remember being medically examined as a teenager? I assumed you were younger and perhaps your fathers interest was in older girls..

Anyway, I agree with the others that your partner will likely be very upset with you. Put the shoe on the other foot - if he came and told you that his father had been accused of sexually abusing his sister as a child, but it’s ok as he’s always made sure your daughter is never left alone with him, how would you feel? I’m going to guess apocalyptic!

You chose to keep a relationship with your dad - of course social services need to investigate and check you are being truthful, because you have shown a massive error in judgement. What was your plan - never tell anyone? What would have happened when she was older and wanted to go visit Grandad on her own? I used to cycle or walk over to my grandparents all the time as a kid, what if she’d started doing the same? You fucked up by allowing him to cultivate a relationship with her.

Learn from this, your one job is to keep your child safe. So do it.

I was 4 or 5 when I was medically examined, and I have only recently learnt about this. I have no memory of this at all, and that really worries me. My parents were together at this point. My DS then dropped it all and said she had made it up. No one ever told me about this until now.

My family clearly is dysfunctional and this is what I need to work through.

I have fully cooperated with SS who have now closed the case.

You’ve gone from serious allegation to a closed case in 2 days? That seems bizarrely and worryingly quick.

Children and adults can totally shut down to cope with something traumatic, like being examined intimately . They shut down, it’s self protection. So it’s understandable why you may have no recollection.

Having volunteered for a DV charity and a food project though not related to child SA over the years clients did tell me things. I would describe quite a few of them as turbulent. What happened to them was not only awful it was while their brains were developing. A therapist told me when in my own session as I had therapy when my DD died that extreme trauma causes changes to the brain. Now imagine that happening to a child in its developing years.

Your sister dropped it possibly because of parental pressure.

I’m not saying the police have closed the case. The social worker reviewing the risk to my child has closed the case.

OP your dad's a predator just go no contact with him FGS. Its not worth the risk!

You need to tell you husband. His child has SS looking into her safety. Its his child as well. If I was him I'd be bloody furious that you put our child at risk.

Im a vitim of CSA, I was very turbulent. Im nearly 50 I still struggle with the lack of safety and feeling that I wasn't kept safe. I still jump if someone enters the bedroom while I'm sleeping.

My parents didn't report the SA and he went on to rape and SA several of my cousins. The family name was protected above the children. I was even asked by my parents to invite him to my wedding to keep the peace because my grandparents refused to attend if he wasn't invited. They didn't come.

By allowing your father into your child's life you've rubberstamped him as a safe adult. Your daughter won't understand ghat shes never alone with him. She won't know that he's a predator.

She has told him.