What is going on with DP and our 'friend'?

[Completecare]

Perhaps I'm naive, but I honestly don't think it's anything sexual/romantic. She's 15 years older than him and seems very happily married.

She has hated our relationship from the start - we were friends beforehand and us getting together changed the dymnamic of the group, which has more or less fizzled out now. We did consciously try not to behave differently with the group, but obviously we started doing things as a couple rather than always as a group. I expect the change to the dynamic was inevitable?

She has told me she doesn't think he's good enough for me - she thought I'd be with someone professional.

She often does things to take his attention away from me. She's very loud and much more outgoing than I am, loves to be the centre of attention, and he gives that to her.

I've realised looking back on my own friendship with her, that you can only be her friend if you do what she wants. E.g. she took great offence because I declined an activity she wanted to do, but she didn't come to DP's birthday because the thing he had arranged (that he enjoys) was "boring".

She is constantly driving a wedge, persuading him that the thing she wants is more fun than then thing I want....but he lets her.

We are great together when it's just us but awful whenever she's around.

Is it me and some unrational jealousy, or him and a weird fixation?

Seems like he likes it, or he'd tell her to wind it in. I'd think about why he doesn't, and what that says about his level of respect for you.

Why are you (and DP) still seeing her if the group has fizzled out and you clearly don't like her or the way she acts around DP? Just drop her completely she's not adding anything to your life just disrupting things.

She's behaving in a poisonous way, but he's letting her.

How attached are you to him? Because he's putting her first, and thats a really bad sign - of his character. If its not this woman, it might be someone else.

Is it possible to talk to him about it? Would he listen, genuinely see what you mean and alter his behaviour?

If not, then sadly I think you're better off walking. This is a red flag and its not the smallest of flags, either.

We pretty much has, and he's been as much behind that as I have, but she's often there as part of our wider circle and they have a weird dynamic where she performs with her "wackiness" and he doesn't seem to be able to stay away.

I would think that they had some underlying chemistry that went unfulfilled. She’s annoyed her confidence booster has been taken but claims it’s a change in dynamic. You said 15 years older but what are the actual ages? If it’s something like 30-45 I don’t see why he wouldn’t have fancied her!

He doesn't put her first day to day. He hasn't been in touch with her for months and we don't socialise with them anymore - his decision initially as much as mine, but when we do bump into them, which is quite often as we're often at the same events, she has this pull.

He says he's just being polite and doesn't want to be rude by ignoring her in front of everyone else, but it seems more than that to me. She definitely creates situations where she's difficult to ignore.

How long have you been together? I would call her out. Pull her to a side and ask her what her problem is.

She's early 60s

I have - that's when she told me about him not being good enough for me.

Time to have words with him. He needs to start putting you first. If he wants to go do xyz with her, that can be done another time, not cancel the thing you and him were meant to be doing.

She's probably a narcissist and the only way to be on their good side is to give them constant attention, be at their back and call, and never ever cross them. You can't have personal autonomy with one so best to stay away.

DH will probably fall out with her too when he starts telling her no. If he won't tell her no then you have a DH problem who is gaining enjoyment from his relationship with her as her puppet and happy to put her first above you, which is not ok if you're to stay together.

Don't waste endless time and energy (and your one precious life) banging your head against a wall trying to get them both to do what you want. Ignore her, she's not your friend and never has been, deal with DH and if he's not putting you first then it's time to bail out and accept the relationship has run its course because he'd rather spend time with her than with you.

does he know she said that about him?

If the choice is being rude to her by declining her invitation or by blanking her (if that's what it takes to get her to leave him alone), or being rude to you by putting her first, he should be choosing to be rude to her. It's as simple as that.

He doesn't "do" things with her anymore, but he will give her lots of attention when we're out and see her with others. Objecting to that makes me sound unhinged?

He has in fact used the word narcissist to describe her and says he just humours her to avoid being rude/making a scene.

We've talked about it a lot.

It's not declining an invitation, he wouldn't go out with her withiut me anyway. It's when we're at an event and she happens to be there, he'll spend (to me) a lot of time giving her ego attention. He says not to "talk" to her would seem/feel rude, but I think it's more than that.

Yes, privately to me he really dislikes her, but you'd never know it when they're together.

He is very good at social things and can chat happily to anyone, whereas whilst I like to think I'm always polite, I find it very difficult to be 'friendly' with someone I don't like.

and have you pointed out to him that contradiction? told him how it makes you feel? how does he respond?

He's always very apologetic, doesn't realise he's doing it etc, then it happens again.

Do you live in a village or small town where it's impossible not to run into her OP? Tbh she sounds like a very difficult person to be around even in a group situation. If you have the option to go out and make new friends, do different things, with different people then perhaps its time to move on from the friendship group that includes her.

Fwiw he's never tried to dismiss it as my imagination, which I sometimes wonder if it is.

No, but our main hobby/interest aligns so we have lots of friends in common and are often at the same events.

Just call her out in front of everyone if she starts being weird. Ask her to repeat what she just said if she's overtly nasty.

You don't like her and she knows that. It's ok for her not to like you.

She's not nasty though. She's an attention seeker who can be very entertaining.

Eta, I see (now, eventually) there is a underlying nastiness but she doesn't say anything publicly that could be called out, and she's very popular so going up against her probably wouldn't end well for me in the wider circle. I mean, what's my objection? That she's too funny?

That's ok then, isn't it? People are allowed to have a outgoing personality. What is she actually doing specifically that is an issue, can you give an example?

I think your DP does need to be a bit more assertive with her, especially when it comes to him giving in and not doing the things he wants to in order to do what she wants. He sounds like a people pleaser who is a bit intimidated by this woman and in the process of pleasing her he is not pleasing you. The woman is who she is, she is not going to change. Your DP is probably not going to be able to change either as this is just his character.

All you can do is either put up with your partner's behaviour once every few months when you happen to be in the same place as this woman or avoid her completely, but then you will probably lose a lot of your social life in the process.

If it was me, I would just put up with it and avoid being near either of them when they are in the same place just so I didn't have to watch the spectacle. I