What is going on with DP and our 'friend'?

[Completecare]

Perhaps I'm naive, but I honestly don't think it's anything sexual/romantic. She's 15 years older than him and seems very happily married.

She has hated our relationship from the start - we were friends beforehand and us getting together changed the dymnamic of the group, which has more or less fizzled out now. We did consciously try not to behave differently with the group, but obviously we started doing things as a couple rather than always as a group. I expect the change to the dynamic was inevitable?

She has told me she doesn't think he's good enough for me - she thought I'd be with someone professional.

She often does things to take his attention away from me. She's very loud and much more outgoing than I am, loves to be the centre of attention, and he gives that to her.

I've realised looking back on my own friendship with her, that you can only be her friend if you do what she wants. E.g. she took great offence because I declined an activity she wanted to do, but she didn't come to DP's birthday because the thing he had arranged (that he enjoys) was "boring".

She is constantly driving a wedge, persuading him that the thing she wants is more fun than then thing I want....but he lets her.

We are great together when it's just us but awful whenever she's around.

Is it me and some unrational jealousy, or him and a weird fixation?

Tell him that.

It might make him see her differently.

I have. He agrees with her 🥲 He doesn't like her, he actually once said during one of the talks "ignore her, she's evil", but he doesn't seem to be able (want?) to do that.

Tell him his fawning behaviour around her is really putting you off him and makes him look pathetic.

It can be hard to change an existing dynamic. People tend to fall into putting up with the unacceptable behaviour they have always put up with: it sounds like that sort of situation.

I would try to avoid her as much as possible, as he seems unable to change. It doesn't sound any more sinister than him being spineless.

this is down right weird. Saying one thing to you, but fawning over her when he's near her.

sorry, I wouldn't have a clue how to handle it. But it would be very clear to me that there's a big disconnect between his words and his actions, and the inconsistency would give me doubts about him.

@Completecare How would you ideally like your DH to interact with this woman when you both meet her at these events? It seems your DH is overly friendly towards her but excuses it as just being polite?
I agree with @Greenfinch7 I think he’s just being a bit spineless. Or he’s possibly trying to keep the peace? Is he worried in case this woman turns nasty about something?
In all honesty given your dislike of this woman (she does sound irritating) I would not go to the events if you know she is going to be there. Life’s too short. I understand that might be difficult for you but I don’t think your DH is going to change his approach to her.

If i avoid evebts she'll very at, I avoid doing my favourite things and seeing some of my favourite people. It's a way of life.

I'd like him to be polite in passing, as I am. I find the 'hilarious' performance a bit much (always have tbh). He seems to enjoy it, which is fair enough, we can be different, but knowing what she's done, I don't understand why he he'd want to encourage her.

Oh not attending is not an option then. It’s clearly important to you.Yes if your DH was just polite to her in passing that would be the ideal.
I can’t fathom what your DH is getting out of it but it doesn’t seem he wishes to stop. I guess you will just have to put up with his shenanigans if you want to keep attending. Good luck!

This won't be the first time she's done this, I'll bet.

There are some women who seem to get a kick out of luring attention from men who are already in relationships. It is like they are trying to get at his partner in a sort of territorial "I could have him if I want" kind of way.

Hmm, maybe but I've always been of a view that men have their own agency,, it's never the woman who "takes" him.

That said she's not taking him, just taking some attention sometimes, and maybe that's OK. Afterall he's allowed to talk to his friends, eg. At a party he's allowed to enjoy talking to others.

It just seems strange he's so keen to talk to(and laugh with) someone he apparently acknowledges has tired to cause harm, and dislikes.

That said, she does definitely seek him out and put him in a position where ignoring her antics would seem rude, or that he was making a point of ignoring her.

I don't really see what he's meant to be doing wrong here?

He's being sociable and having a catch up with someone he used to know well. It's hardly the crime of the century.

Maybe he does dislike her, maybe he doesn't quite as much as he claims to you, but that doesn't mean he's being two faced by stopping and having a chat when he does see her.

Honestly, I think your jealousy over her says more about you than anyone else here OP. You don't like her, so you don't want your DP to either, and anything less than snubbing her completely won't be good enough for you.

Yes, possibly, that is what I asked in OP.

There's just "something" about the way she performs for him and the way he becomes so animated around her.

Ok OP, if it were me I'd be saying to him very firmly under my breath, the moment you spot her, "DO NOT GO OVER TO HER! We're here together, I don't want to spend time with a nasty POS who insults me. If you think you're walking away to leave me by myself and spending half the event with her, I'm going home and packing my bags". And I'd mean it. I wouldn't worry about losing the hobby if this woman causes a scene, you've already lost it if you can't enjoy it with this performance from DH going on. In failing to back you up he's putting himself first while throwing you under the bus. He gets to do what suits him to keep the hobby group and if it gets too bad for you and you feel like you don't want to be there any more then he's ok with that. He's ok with her winning and you losing.

5mins of ordinary chat once and only when you naturally cross paths (just walk away to avoid her yourself) then back to you to mingle, is normal and polite. Not sucking up to her half the time he's there, which is what it sounds like he's doing.

Apart from anything, it's so two faced of him. People like her are poison. She's ostracizing you deliberately by making your presence there miserable and she's getting your own DH onside to help her do it. It might all blow up if you take a stand but if you don't you've got a lifetime of her toxic stunts to look forward to and it'll slowly eat away at your soul, it's already happening.

This is shite, you k ow that, don’t you?

She is just concerned another audience member is no longer focussed on her.

I couldn’t eta d to be around people like this. Why do you or your parent have anything to do with her?

He should always put you first over her. Always. Every minute. The fact he doesn’t is a problem. Is he normally very weak and obliging to other people?

Yes, that is exactly why she doesn't like our relationship- both of us have less attention to give her.

If he’s animated around her, he’s enjoying it. I don’t think he dislikes her at all. It’s a mutual admiration.