This drives me mad - my mum trying to prove the parity of her love all the time

[MissElizabethGrayling]

I am putting this in chat rather than aibu as hoping for proper discussion.

My mum tries to make things equal between siblings all the time. We are now in our 50s but this has been since we were kids. It sounds like a nice thing to do but actually it pitted us against each other, so we were always comparing against each other. eg if one of us had something then the other had to, not because we cared but because my mum would be making a big fuss of how equal she was making us.

But this has carried on to our kids - her grandkids, to the point where every thing becomes a thing that has to be spread equally. For example, if my son - let's call him Jack - says he has done well in music at school, my mum will respond with 'Jill is very musical too' - Jill being my brother's kid. This happens all the time. To the point where my ten year old said why does nanny never let me say anything without saying my cousin does that too?

It even happens to me even though I am a fully fledged grown up. I had a work event to which an audience was invited. Someone I worked with said you must be very proud of your daughter ie me. Oh yes, said my mum, I am proud of all my children. Yes, of course she is, but this was my work event and actually about me.

I don't even know if this makes sense. It drives me mad though - surely just occasionally let people shine as individuals. We know it doesn't mean less love for the others.

Have you spoken to her about it?

It sounds like it comes from the right place, but she’s failing in the execution.

At least she presumably doesn’t massively favour one set of grandchildren when it comes to Xmas & birthday gifts!

Try talking to her. Tell her that you appreciate she’s trying not to favour anyone and be fair but that everyone needs their individual moments to shine and it takes the edge off people’s achievements if she can’t praise them without referring to someone else. In bending over backwards to treat everyone the same she’s unintentionally making no one feel special. It doesn’t sound deliberate.

That is infuriating. It fails to recognise each person as an individual and creates a blob of a family with nothing unique between you.
And it's very possible to create something close to parity while recognising children/grandchildren are different. You could have had gymnastics lessons, your brother could have had rugby club. Or whatever.
Do you think there's a reason behind it? Did she feel hard done by as a child? Does she lack emotional intelligence? Is it narcissism (keep everyone down, no one is special apart from me the matriarch)? Talking to her about this might be very hard/painful for her if this is what she sees as "being a good mum". You'd be threatening her identity.

Perhaps she had a childhood where she felt sidelined, perhaps she’s secretly got a favourite and is worried it will show.

I've lost both my parents and my children don't have grandparents. Get some perspective, your mum is trying to do her very best.

Your mum's in her 70s, surely you can live with her version of equality for just a bit longer?

Pride is a tricky word. A quiet, humble and private pride in our own children and grandchildren should be a given.

There are other types of pride that are not so humble, that some people feel awkward around and don't wish to promote.

Your mum may have seen people use the word to show off, brag, divide, manipulate and push one child forward to outshine others. It could be a generational thing; also someone raised as a church-goer (or with some religion) may try to keep pride personal and low key, and feel slight guilt about expressing outwardly.

I am sure that your mum is extremely proud of you, and all other members of your family. I would definitely broach the subject with her at an appropriate time so that she can articulate her feelings.

I tried to be fair with my dc; so in terms of if I bought one child an ice cream then the others would have one too.
However, to my mind treating them equally meant meeting their needs and each child was/is an individual. Not everyone would agree with me but I didn’t treat them all the same. One child might have needed 10 minutes reading with each day whilst another needed 30 minutes. It is fine to treat them differently in that sort of thing.
Eldest dd made me laugh the other day when she described each of their roles within the family; including one is ‘the entertainment’. They all get on really well and there is no competition. I am really proud of that.
My dm was similar to OP’s and I disagree with that approach.
However, I would not have dared speak to my dm about it and just put up with it. Sadly, I doubt a lifetime of this parenting will change.

That sounds very hard.
To me it sounds like she's putting her own needs ahead of the needs of her children and grandchildren.

It makes me think of twins who are dressed the same, forced to do the same activities and essentially just lumped into one being. You and your siblings are all individuals with you own strengths, weaknesses, passions and ambitions.

Is it possible to mention that in a non-combative way? So when a grandchild has a success and she says something about all the grandkids you step up and say "Yes, absolutely all the kids are great but this is Emma's achievement and it'd be best if this moment can just be about her / she doesn't need to share this moment / we focus on how well she has done today"

Rinse and repeat about every grandchild and sibling until the point starts to sink in.

My mum isn’t very conscious about treating everyone equally and will often overtalk an issue
“…now I’m not saying Jill isn’t musical too, I don’t know if she plays any instruments but she could turn out very talented if she did, it’s just that Jack is very good at piano. Everyone has their own talents of course. Jill is a wonderful cook. She made those cookies that time, of course Jack made a cake when he was two….”

Her mum had blatant favourites, and my mum wasn’t one, but was the one left to look after her when she was dying and needed round the clock care. I know it comes from a good place but it had the effect of making my hyper aware of how I compare to my siblings achievements when she’s lining us up mentally.
“Bob just won the Nobel peace prize and Bestbeforenow made me a lovely cup of tea.”

Is it done with the intention of fairness, or in a way to belittle each person's achievements?

I think the intention is what matters here. One is a quirk that you may be able to change or at least explain to the dc that it's just her way, the other is unkind and you might need to be on your guard that she might be making the dc feel bad about themselves.

It's done in my family.

I've never felt it was done to make things more fair more to keep us in our place.

Also had them treat my and sister the same - despite five year age gap and very different personalities and interests. Parents were unfavoured child to golden child in their families and we were unfavoured DGC.

When it's come to DGC - it tends to be done to my DC and newphew but not nience so much the child they did a lot of childcare for. So my DC acheievements always got oh but neice. I did try bring it up for my DC - only caused upset and was seen as us being diffciult we moves away with work. I often feel completely erase from my own family TBH - but kids were better off without it round them.

My DM does this, because she does actually have a favourite child. But she knows that's frowned on, so she tries to hide it like OP describes. It just makes all if us feel unloved, even the golden child.

Tell her.

”Mum, what Jack told you was about his success, He was excited and proud and wanted to share it with you. But you immediately referenced his cousin. You can celebrate Jill’s success when she shares with you”

It sounds as if she read a Readers Digest article on avoiding favouritism in about 1979 and hasn’t really thought about it critically , just follows the manual.

God, she’s being ridiculous. Her love for her children / grandchildren doesn’t affect their individual talents and achievements. That stuff is completely outside of her control.

How can she not see that?

Can you explain what you mean? I can see problems with what she’s doing but in what way do you think it’s fulfilling her own needs?

Does it?

How bizarre that this is your take

To me it sounds like her own need to be seen to be ‘fair’ is overshadowing her children’s and grandchildren’s need to be individuals. It’s for her own comfort, shes not considered how this might feel for those shes doing it to.
I’m sure shes not aware of this, but I think it’s quite self centred regardless.

I agree that she isn’t understanding how this might feel to people on the receiving end but I’m not sure it’s done for her own comfort. It’s always difficult to know people’s underlying motivations through.
Was thinking that it could be a result of having experienced blatant favouritism somewhere and a misguided attempt to treat everyone the same.

To the point where my ten year old said why does nanny never let me say anything without saying my cousin does that too?

How does everyone respond when it happens - and what did you say in reponse to your DS comments?

Our kids caught on very quickly and nodded and moved on - though we'd often try and counter with more praise and bring focsu back on them and distractions as well - but they were part of a little group and just went off to play - when we moved away every visist back necie was there and my kids ignore so bothered going back less.

It's mainly been me with phone calls that had to deal with it - which I chose to do by ignoring it as much as possible.

If it's round your DS and upsetting him - I think it's harder to ignore and you may have to step in and say something so he at least feels better.

My MIL did one birthday party when necie was getting unbirtday presnets and attention at my DC britdhay party try and say something - did not change anything really though IL seeing it did help us feel we weren't imaging it as suggestion when we raised it.

I can see why that would be annoying. I am wondering if she had a difficult relationship with her parents/siblings where she perceived she was treated unfavourably and she’s overcompensated?

Advocate for your little boy.

Be ready with things to say, be prepared

“Yes , but today we are celebrating Jack’s news”
”yes, all your DGC are special in different ways - today we are congratulating Jack for what he did. Well done Jack”

I would actually tell her what he said. “Mum you may not realise this but..”

She has no siblings and has a totally skewed idealistic view of what it is to have them, when actually I feel she fostered an environment where we did not get on that well through this kind of comparison.

No way would I ever be able to say anything - just doesn;t work like that in my family. But it is helpful to know that others have experienced this or would find it annoying. I just needed a rant.

Oh god I think I’m like this with my two sons.

I remember having a hard time when I was small trying to decide which twin brother I liked best!