This drives me mad - my mum trying to prove the parity of her love all the time

[MissElizabethGrayling]

I am putting this in chat rather than aibu as hoping for proper discussion.

My mum tries to make things equal between siblings all the time. We are now in our 50s but this has been since we were kids. It sounds like a nice thing to do but actually it pitted us against each other, so we were always comparing against each other. eg if one of us had something then the other had to, not because we cared but because my mum would be making a big fuss of how equal she was making us.

But this has carried on to our kids - her grandkids, to the point where every thing becomes a thing that has to be spread equally. For example, if my son - let's call him Jack - says he has done well in music at school, my mum will respond with 'Jill is very musical too' - Jill being my brother's kid. This happens all the time. To the point where my ten year old said why does nanny never let me say anything without saying my cousin does that too?

It even happens to me even though I am a fully fledged grown up. I had a work event to which an audience was invited. Someone I worked with said you must be very proud of your daughter ie me. Oh yes, said my mum, I am proud of all my children. Yes, of course she is, but this was my work event and actually about me.

I don't even know if this makes sense. It drives me mad though - surely just occasionally let people shine as individuals. We know it doesn't mean less love for the others.

I would cut her some slack - there are threads on here with parents complaining that their parent does not do this and things feel unfair!

If your child asks why she mentions the cousin then just say that she wants to be fair to everyone and sure that cousin does not feel left out or unappreciated and it does not mean she is any less proud of you.

I have exactly this dilemma where one of my 7 GC has an outstanding talent which brings great joy to us all. It is a bit of a tightrope to walk to express that joy and give praise for achievement whilst also not wanting the others to feel overshadowed.

It is so easy to criticise parents and in-laws - but sometimes it feels as though whatever they do they cannot get it right! They are most likely doing their best!

I can see this must be annoying OP, but it is a lot better than parents who favour one child or grandchild over the others, sometimes in a very blatant way.

I get it op, my Mum is the same.

It’s like she feels like she is being mean on one of the others (kids or grandkids) if she praises one.

I do say, you don’t have to say that all the time, and she just say, “I know….but”

Things like, “you’d have done just as well if you’d done that”, or dg1 could do the same as well. I know it’s done to try not to sound like she’s favouring someone but it does drive you mad doesn’t it!!!

Thankfully it hasn’t resulted in competitiveness but I spot it all the time!

That isn’t equality it’s comparison and that’s exactly what you should not do with children.

Yes my mums a bit like this, I do find it annoying but I recognise she means well. I will say something to her though if I feel it’s too much and not justified.

@MissElizabethGrayling

This.

I know you don’t feel like you can talk to her about it, but I’d really encourage you to do so, at least try. It may prove to be the game changer, and an investment in your relationship with her, that it needs. Sure, it may make sod all difference, but at least you know you’ve tried.