If you've experienced a lot of pain and loss on your life, how do you cope?

[Autumnsunshine54]

I don't feel sorry for myself but I've had a lot of pain, loss and trauma in my life from being a child and then throughout my life. I'm determined to keep building a good life for myself and to be as happy as possible. I've had a lot of counselling and will have some grief counselling for losing my dad once I've dealt with all the practical stuff and funeral and then saved up for it.

A strong belief that nothing lasts forever, be it good or bad. Hope that better days will come.

Chanel my inner Winston Churchill. Keep buggaring on. When you are going through Hell keep going.

i cope because there is no other option. The sun will come up on a new day and I will continue to breathe. Are there days when I wish I wouldn’t wake up? Absolutely but I don’t have a plan to end my life. The will to live is too strong.

I lost my last parent two months ago. It’s ok I’m at peace with that. Seeing my child suffer feels unbearable.

You don't really have much choice! I do sometimes wonder what might have been if some of the things hadn't happened but it is a complete waste of time really. Only you can make your life what you want it to be and figure out what makes you tick. I am quite aware that I try to keep my independence because of all the loss, as I feel safer doing it all myself. I think being aware of those reactions can help, even if it doesn't change them. It can make you very appreciative of the simpler things.

It sounds trite but by staying positive.
I treat life as a gift and my past experiences mean I know it’s not a given. Getting older is a privilege not everyone gets to experience.
I had a very traumatic experience in my 20’s and I made the decision that it wouldn’t define me. I didn’t want to look back in 10 or 20 years and think that my life has been determined by that event.
I also look for pleasure in the little things. A good book, a walk somewhere nice, an afternoon in the pub with friends.

Counselling helps.

But reminding myself that if it has been a bad day or I’m not feeling good, each tomorrow is a fresh start.

Trying to find a small joy in each day. That might be noticing the nice smell in the shower gel, or a sunny day, it doesn't have to be big. Also counting the good things in my life and appreciating them. Lastly being kind to myself. Some days are bad days however positive you try and be. That's okay. There is always tomorrow

My DD died.

Always knowing there are people who have survived worse. I did go through depression when she died but I’m very much a glass half full person and a pull myself together type. You only get so many years on the planet so why waste them.

On a practical note my joys have always been hiking, sea swimming, gaming and sewing.

For me, I always try and think positive and instead of focusing on the bad stuff I focus on, and feel grateful for, all the good stuff.

One thing that has helped me move on when I have had bad things happen to me, or within my life, is that I know that there are plenty of others in this World who have had it way worse than me, or have been through much worse.

So I count my blessings for the life that I have, the fact that I am healthy, have lived the life I have (even though bad stuff has happened) and that I have a roof over my head.

So so many others have been born into awful situations, with health issues from the start of their lives, born into poverty etc.. And I think of all the people in the World who would give anything to swap places with me and have my life instead of their own. And all those people, and children, who were dealt a real shit hand and died young.

So this thought process stops me feeling sorry for myself and makes me pick myself up and soldier on.

After all, what is the alternative? We have no choice really do we?

Just put one foot in front of the other and try not to dwell on the pain. Look for the positives in everything, because there are always positives to be found, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

As the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

Nothing is permanent in life. Live in the present moment.

My mother is this person. She’s suffered greatly but makes the choice every single day to focus on what is good and to be as happy as possible.

Keeping busy. I don’t think overly ‘processing’ is good for you. I think processing happens subconsciously, if we keep our bodies healthy and our mind occupied it’ll happen.

My firstborn died, the days were dark, I don't know how I got myself up out of bed each morning.

Keeping a journal helped, writing down how I felt.

No matter what happens, the sun will set and rise, you have a choice to lie down and die or get up and live.

I chose life

I agree too much introspection does not help. You can't be totally Pollyanna and you will think about what has happened to you. But I keep telling myself to look forward, not backwards.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, losing a loved parent is very hard, sadly something most of us go through at one time or another.

I think it's circumstance that some people have harder lives than others. I know my own mother had a very hard life, and that bothers me a lot, even now she isn't with us.

I always think concentrating on the good helps, counting blessings, trying not to dwell on things we couldn't change, and making the most of what we do have, helps.

Words are easy though, and I do sympathise with people who are going through the hardest of times.

To add, losses/hard times do stack up. It does change you. And those who have not experienced lots and lots of tough things don't get it.

Always double checking for organic causes first when my headspace is looking grim. You can’t will away a Thyroid gone Wonky. Peri-menopause cuts through antidepressants, let alone the Serenity Prayer, like a hot knife through butter. Low ferritin, vitamin D and/or B13 is unmoved by another reading of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations.

If all is well on the body front, lots of walks with Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life in my ears, because he steadies me on a safe line between feeling utterly insignificant in the vastness of the universe OR being so deeply wrapped up in my feelings that I can’t see anything beyond my hurt.

A reluctant session of sistemic coaching. Very reluctant. Annoyingly enough it was the most impactful, most healing, most freeing (from pain) thing I’ve ever experienced. And I was determined it was a bunch of woo-woo that wouldn’t work. Not sure it would have worked with another coach. I was just lucky enough to find somebody very gifted at guiding deeply hurt people past all the obstructions to them letting go of their pain.

More walking.

More interest in fibre content of various beans and heme protein in various meats than I could genuinely muster if I wadn’t aware how much my headspace if affected by any nutrient holes my body objects to.

More reading of the stoics.

Some bopping to 80s music as l g as it’s happy nostalgia and not confronting me with a sound that takes me back to a time of pain.

The Fabulous App because given half a chance my ADHD would have me in bed gazing at my navel in a piteous state. So I have to commit to the pre-emotive strikes of healthy routines to keep it at bay.

And a daily gratitude practice while the coffee pot does its thing. In prayer form to no God in particular, more towards the universe. Same prayer every day. Not laundry lists of things I quite like in the the moment.

I have peace. For most of the days. Most of the time. And I know what to do in a systemic fashion if the headspace goes on a wobble.

There is hope. Pain and hurt aren’t always a life sentence.

Massive hug

You are wise ladies, thank you ❤️

I keep plans and goals short term only. Every long term plan I make has something catastrophic happen to derail it so I stopped making them.

I also tend to stick to things that bring my happiness now rather than things where you have to stick with it for months/years in order to get any payoff. If I try a new hobby and it's not fun I'm not going to continue for a year on the promise that it's fun once you get good. I want to enjoy it right now.

Lastly, I take way more photos and videos of casual moments instead of just the big ones. It's things like sitting around on the sofa watching crap telly with my partner that I miss the most, I wish I had captured more of the basic moments while he was still alive.

Distraction is great when you feel overwhelmed. Stay busy and you don't have time to dwell on things you can't change.

My first born died too and I almost died during that birth.

I felt very much the same. It was the hardest and darkest time of my life and I remember just feeling this complete devastating sadness and I didn't know if I was ever going to survive it and how I would ever be able to smile again.

I was advised to keep a journal too and it was a godsend. Putting my thoughts and feelings to paper let it all out and helped me to make sense of the tragedy.

Someone brought me a card which said on the front 'The Sun Will Shine Again' and I remember at the time thinking 'No it won't' because I could never envisage a time when it would.

I remember my Mum coming to see me and she said to me that I had a choice. I could lie down and let this tragedy consume me and ruin my life, or I could choose to get up, put one foot in front of the other and fight through it. She told me she would help me and we could do it together. I remember choosing life that day.

Slowly but surely I recovered from my heartbreak and went on to have another baby. But my first born, my son, will always be special as he made me a Mummy for the first time. He is very much still a part of our family.

I am sorry you went through this too.

The problem I have is that my main source of sorrow will never go away until the day I die, so I find it hard to find the positives some days. I have a disabled adult daughter who will never be independent and who lives with me. There is no obvious solution to this. Don’t say find residential accommodation, she’d absolutely hate it , she’d be so upset, and so would I. So I feel I can’t win. Add to this all the usual life difficulties, miscarriages, people dying, infertility, her cancer, is it any wonder I finally broke 2 years ago. I’m working my way back but my goodness it’s hard, and I’m getting older.

There's always someone worse off.
Cultivate thankfulnes. I do feel for you but life is a bummer.

I forget about it. My mother’s death is the only thing I still think about but the rest of it had its moment and it’s done now.

@Sahara123 that is hard and no one can make that disappear. All I can advise is trying to find a tiny bit of joy each day.

Thank you. I have good things too, other wonderful family, but boy is it hard .

I try and focus on the positives and leave as much as I can in the past. I can’t control my past but I can try and control my future, I suppose I almost live through my children though, making their childhood much better than mine has been really healing for me.