If you've experienced a lot of pain and loss on your life, how do you cope?

[Autumnsunshine54]

I don't feel sorry for myself but I've had a lot of pain, loss and trauma in my life from being a child and then throughout my life. I'm determined to keep building a good life for myself and to be as happy as possible. I've had a lot of counselling and will have some grief counselling for losing my dad once I've dealt with all the practical stuff and funeral and then saved up for it.

Oh op I send you much love 💐
I really feels you I feels like I still so traumatised from my life and I has been left utterly alone 😢. Things can gets really dark for me sometimes but I make sure to love the things I does enjoy, such as my favourite gym classes and being with my friends and being in the sunshine. I has no other advice I be afraid (I have been unable to access counselling due to my autism)

I've never been able to feel better from thinking someone else has it worse to be honest. I'm sorry for them but just because their situation is "worse" (who is the judge for this anyway as its subjective) it doesnt mean I'm not struggling.

I was trafficked when I was younger. The man who did it tried to kill me by beating me in the head with an iron bar when I got too old. I attempted suicide, was on a mental ward, in a refuge, homeless, an addict to just about everything.
I had a choice, either die of it, or get on with living. I'd failed to die twice and didn't fancy my chances another time, so I sorted myself out, got clean, got a council flat, and have dragged myself up to a job and my daughter and a dog.

Life is beautiful. It's everything I used to dream about. There's loveliness in all of it. I never stopped finding wonderful things and little bits of joy even when things were utterly horrific and it really is a choice, to be happy.

I'm also incredibly stubborn and I refuse to be what he wanted me to be.

You are a true survivor, as are many in this thread.

I think if we go back in time and write down all the horrible things that have happened (I have a few) and just concentrate on those...we are victims.
If we write down all the wonderful things that have happened, and the aftereffects of those wonderful things, and we concentrate on those, we are survivors.
We are all in conrol of how we feel.

Some days I remember to be compassionate about my experiences, sometimes I try harder to think about those that have it so much worse than me, other times I rely on my inner sisu to keep going.
There is no one thing that works every time for me.

I, thankfully as I know many people can’t, can compartmentalise well. I can go and focus on work, playing with family children, training the dog, or something else and give myself a break from stress, grief, pain. I can for a while.

It has sometimes meant I have put off dealing with the problem, or I get a bit overwhelmed when I don’t have something else to focus on, but it has generally served me well.

I compartmentalise.
Things go into a little box in my mind and are locked up.
'They' say its not healthy.
It works for me, and I found therapy/ counselling unhelpful.

Oh, and I also take prozac.

Cruse Bereavement Care literally saved me when I was drowning in grief. They are funded by donations, there is no charge for their counselling. Obviously if you can afford to make a donation that helps them. But don’t let lack of money stop you from getting the help you deserve.

This is how I am, I think. It feels to me like I know exactly where it all is that way. And I can go to it and open the box if I need do. I don’t so much these days. But it’s always there.

I think I do a lot of faking it till I make it - get up, one foot in front of the other etc. I don’t always find joy in everything, but I think somewhere there is a kind of feeling that I would be wasting something if I didn’t at least try to live fully.

I’m not sure I can explain it very well, but the question has really made me think. In a good way.

Maybe others disagree? But I think counselling is helpful for a certain level of trauma and difficulties, but if there is too much, it is unhelpful. I agree with just trying to ignore it when you can and looking to the future.

I read a fair bit about survivors of the holocaust coped. Some never got over it. Those that did refused to let it define their life and looked to the future.

I am not saying I manage to do that every day, but I do try.

I lived this life for 10 years then I woke up one day and realised how much off my life I had wasted and I didn't want to do it anymore. I still have hard times but I try to always have something nice booked like a holiday or day out so I have something to look forward to

I actually agree some things are unfixable and need leaving in the past

Keeping busy and being ‘selfish’ - someone are do often bullied by society into sacrificing denying for themselves - stop doing it. You have one precious life.

My son died when he was 6 months old. It’s his birthday tomorrow - his 8th.
I try and take stock of things. I’m so happy and grateful for my life and how full it is now. I also miss him and am so sad he’s not here. Both things are true.
I remind myself that bad things happen all the time - to everyone. It’s not just me. I am not alone. I am not being punished or penalised. Bad things just happen. It really keeps me out of the “woe is me” attitude.
There were times I didn’t think I’d survive it - that I didn’t want to. There were times when I isolated myself and didn’t really live. But those times were absolutely required for my recovery.
Taking things at your pace, when you can, and not rushing through things is vital. If something has just happened, giving yourself grace and patience. If you have a bad day, that’s fine too. Accept it, take the day, and try and have a better one tomorrow.

You cope because you just get on with life day by day. There may be years that are a blur because you blotted out the hardships and you may regret some of your ( not ideal) coping behaviours, but you always get through it.

When I was hurting so much, I heard this analysis of grief and it really helped more. The idea is that the pain doesn't disappear (or dissipate), but life grows around it creating a cushion. And over time, that cushion gets bigger and bigger with life's new experiences until you no longer feel the pain deep inside.

I also count my blessings and consider how much worse things could have been.

Absolutely agree with the “cushion” analogy. Another - that the grief is a book on an empty book shelf. As you live, experiences, family, growth, all add new books to the shelf. The grief book hasn’t got any smaller. It’s still the same size and weight, but your life has gotten bigger around it.

The description that I found I related to ( loss of a child in traumatic circumstances) was that of a tsunami. At first it overwhelms everything. It's all consuming.
Then the waves lessen. They're always there, and always roll in, but not on the scale of the first crashing tsunami that completely crushes you.