Struggling after seeing someone who hurt me now working as a counsellor

[ByDreamyMember]

A few years ago I had a dishonest and bullying boss. In summary, they exploited me when I was in an incredibly vulnerable position and couldn't leave. (I did leave thankfully)

Now, despite having them blocked for years, their new-ish local business has turned up in my social media feed.
They are calling themselves a counsellor, look to be doing really well & are enjoying success. Lots of selfies and satisfied customer reviews, lots of traffic.

I'm floored about the counselling aspect. Now nobody would ever believe me if I told them about how badly this person behaved.

I've been trying very hard to live well, as an 'eff-you' to that awful time. The truth is I've actually been struggling lately.
Seeing this feels like a final straw.

Have you experienced anything like this? How did you cope?
I've got a phonecall with my GP soon.
But feel very lonely with this sort of experience.

I would love to hear from others if you've ever been in a similar position?

I really feel for you - I had a “friend” who was incredibly toxic during my infertility experience. I cut her out of my life but found out by accident quite recently that’s she a mental health first aider at work. She’s one of the most vile toxic people I’ve ever met and I can’t believe people trust her with their MH 🤬

Yup. First hand from a family member who has been vile to my kids but working as a counsellor and also teaching counselling! She also had v poor MH herself.

People with their own struggles are often drawn to becoming counsellors/ therapists. Maybe they are on a journey to become a better person. What you went through sounds very painful. Would it help to write a letter/message to that person to tell them the impact of what they did?

This is very very common. And Sociopaths commonly become psychotherapists/psychiatrists/therapists as it gives them a lot of power to exploit people. I encountered one when DD was struggling with her MH and it was terrifying to think the power she had over vulnerable people. It really is a minefield OP and there should be more scrutiny.

It's very easy to label yourself a counsellor without any qualifications. It's awful for those who are properly qualified as they are competing against charlatans. I agree with PP those going into counselling are often struggling themselves with issues and want to 'help' as they wish they had been helped. Or, they are enjoying the power, especially if they're manipulative types. Remember social media posts, photos of happy clients etc doesn't necessarily mean they're doing well. It might be greatly exaggerated. Any business person keen to get on will exaggerate their achievements. The only thing you can do is warn your friends and family to give this person a wide berth.

My actual sister, who I no longer speak to - wonderful! was absolutely vile to our mother in the years before our mother died. She was not a great mum to be sure and I also have scars from my upbringing but I stepped up and did my best when she was very poorly and dying. My ex sister said the most disgusting things about her, treated her like shit, and all through her adult life, slowly cut herself off from the family (apart from the rich, thick cousins) marrying into money and being 'embarrassed' about her beginnings - not awful but we weren't rich and our father died when we were very young. She also accused me of only seing mum so often as I wanted her money - erm, there was no money! Anyway, she trained as a bereavement counsellor, which made me laugh a lot - a harder, more snotty person you could not meet. I feel sorry for her clients to be honest; It sickens me

Oh that sounds awful. It's frightening to think about isn't it!

This! All the people I know who are therapists have lives that are like bin fires! One in particular just won’t look at her life and how messed up her behaviour is. I think it must be more palatable to look at something you are willing to change (someone else’s behaviour) than something you are too scared to look at (one’s own behaviour) I’m so sorry you are struggling. I know how that feels.

This is interesting... I oscillate between wondering if they've become a better person, and believing that they won't have changed one bit.

If it's the former, sending them a letter could be a good idea. If it's the latter it'd probably be useless. Some individuals have no ability for self-reflection and maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.

The letter is an appealing idea because I've had no closure over the horrible way she treated me, no explanation. Perhaps I just write the letter and don't send it.
Thanks.

That's your side of the story. I do wonder what her side is.

Yes I have seen this before. Also some old acquaintances of mine who had the most disastrous love lives and toxic relationships become life coaches and relationship experts. Or someone I know who is a completely vile narcissist who was a policewoman. I do think damaged people are drawn to these careers.
I see a lot of motivational speakers who also seem to be quite narcissistic in real life. I’m very wary of these professions.

The man who molested me for years, got married and had a family. While I was really struggling with my MH and romantic relationships because of the abuse he put me through. It broke me completely. Not long after it clicked that the way I was feeling about this injustice was what kept me stuck and miserable and redirected my energy to recovery… Last time he popped on my socials he looked ill and miserable. Feels good!

Wow. That sounds absolutely horrendous! Family, as well... Really feel for you.

The irony is extreme. My ex-boss constantly went on about how much she hated people and hated being social with them.
She literally once said to me 'I hate being around sick people'.
Why do these people act this way?!?
I feel so bad for anyone vulnerable interacting with her.

This is fascinating. I was physically assaulted about 10 years ago by a friend's husband in the presence of another very close friend. That friend basically withdrew all support and refused to give evidence for fear of 'upsetting the apple cart' within our friendship group. I found out recently that she has trained as a counsellor and struggle to understand how this can be given her past behaviour.

Sorry to hear you went through this. How awful. Congrats on your recovery journey.!

That sounds absolutely horrific, sorry to hear it.

Do you think there's a form of trauma that comes from witnessing the apathy of bystanders?

I agree. While there are many very caring, excellent people in the profession - a lot of cold, manipulative people are also attracted to counselling and therapy or 'caring' for the mentally ill, for the power it allows them to wield over vulnerable people.

OP, in your position, I'd try to take the view that they might have realised how screwed up they were and taken steps to improve. If that is hard to believe, remind yourself how lucky you are to be out from under their power, and how glad you are that you know not to trust them, and will never be under their thumb again.

Also, don't believe everything on SM. Apparent rave reviews and success mean nothing. It could all be puffed up feathers.

I was horrified to see someone who had been a nasty sadistic bully at school as a carer in a care home near me. I only hope she has changed a lot because she was hoping to go on and get nursing qualifications later. I wouldn't trust her with vulnerable people based on past experience. Personally I don't think the leopard changes it's spots!

I know an awful lot of counsellors/therapists, including my sister and one of my closest friends, and I've had a fair bit of therapy myself. I think people have some deeply odd ideas about them needing to be saintly characters -- I mean, they're just ordinary people who have trained in a particular discipline (though, as someone has no doubt already pointed out 'counsellor' and therapist' aren't protected terms, so they don't need a diploma or degree to use them.)

Obviously it's natural to want someone who behaved badly to you to go around the corner and keel over dead (I can certainly think of a few candidates in my own life), but it's unrealistic to think that even highly qualified, experienced therapists are necessarily nice people. You will get a range of personality types just as you would with dentists or dog groomers. You're not paying for 'nice', and I don't think it's realistic to expect it. You have the right to expect certain behaviours and professionalism inside the consulting room, obviously.

Something similar happened to me OP. I heard from a mutual acquaintance that my violent and abusive ex had become a Samaritan. I actually wrote an email to them to share my experience and how shocked I was. They’d done a DBS check but he had never been arrested charged with anything. The reply I got firstly focused on protecting his confidentiality and then was along the lines of “well it’s your word against his” which I felt was them basically saying they didn’t believe me and I was incredibly upset and retraumatised by the whole thing. It took me a long time to get over it, and I still don’t think I am over it now.

one thing is for sure though - there’s absolutely no bloody chance I would ever call Samaritans or suggest any woman ever call them.

Yes, I think some people are attracted to 'caring' roles, including counselling and nursing, because they enjoy having power over other people. My two experiences in hospital confirmed this, including several days spent on a High Dependency Unit.

But I think in all walks of life most people are OK and one in ten is a total shit bag. Sometimes I think it's two in ten.

Sod the letter tell them you want free counceling for the trauma they put you through that your still experiencing, even if you dont want to see them it would be fun to imagin them squirm.

Seen this so many times! These people have an egotistical desire for power, attention and accolade. I don't believe they wish to heal themselves by healing others at all, they just want the public recognition and 'awards'; to be told how wonderful they are.

I am always automatically cynical and mistrustful of anyone in any kind of job that gives them power, or influence. This was partly instilled in me during my upbringing, but also life experience. I can usually spot them, I get a 'slimy' feeling about them.

I actually have a very good friend of many years who has a habit of befriending and 'love bombing' anyone she notices going through something difficult. But, interestingly, only if they have money.

An ex-friend who treated me very badly, was having affairs and was really messed up, is now a qualified counsellor. Knowing I could have someone like her, has put me off seeking counselling myself.

In my large workplace, over 200 people, the mental health first aider is the biggest bully in there, countless complaints about her. She is the reason they need a wellbeing team....