How have you helped teens get their head round moving house?

[ExtraArtichokes]

We are seriously looking into multi generational living to help us recover from a long period of uncertainty and help with elderly parents - one with dementia who would struggle with a move from familiar surroundings so we would effeictively move in with them.
This involves a 100+ mile move - so too much for kids to remain any feasible part of their old life on a daily basis.
This would be good on many levels and we are trying to plan it so it doesn't disrupt education in terms of GCSE choices.
Any advice on this gratefully received. Please be kind.

How old are the teens? As it does sound incredibly disruptive and living with relatives with potentially very disruptive health conditions doesn't sound ideal and an idea that would fill them with joy - even without having to leave all their friends behind.

Do they get on really well with grandparents and you're sure it can work? if they're teenagers, hopefully they'll make new friends - how's it going to work when they want a sleepover at home with some, turn up after school and land in the lounge for an hour?

@ExtraArtichokes “This would be good on many levels”

Would it be good for your teens on many levels or just the adults?

I would not even consider it. Please look into the reality of this incredibly carefully and look into deprivation of assets in relation to social care if anyone needs a care home eventually.

this will have a monumental impact on yours and their lives and I don’t anticipate that will be in a good way. If you are thinking you will work, bring up kids and look after elderly relatives with dementia then good luck. I would post/read on the cafe thread from people in this situation

I'd not be moving teens away from their social network at GCSE time. After A levels is a much better time. Elderly parents with dementia are so hard to handle and will need a good care home sooner rather than later. How would your teens feel if they are sacrificed now and in 2 years the elderly parents have to go into a care home. It's not easy to make new friends as a teen. Friendship groups are already established at that age. It's far easier to move primary aged DC. I don't think it would be fair to teens to move them away from all their friends, hobbies and sports teams for elderly grandparents who may not have a good quality of life left with dementia. My gran had dementia and my Mum cared for her in our family home. After 2-3 years she didn't know who I was and a year later she didn't know who my Mum who was her only child was and Gran became very aggressive because she was frightened as she didn't know who any of us were. The deteriation happened over 2-3 years.

How old? What year group in school is the child in? I can’t see any benefits for your child.

I moved areas twice as a teenager. First time, I never got in with any friends, ended up an isolated weirdo, it was pretty awful. Second time, did fine on friends and landed on my feet great.

Big gamble. I would not move happy teenagers without a VERY good reason.

moving teens away from their entire lives, and to live with someone with dementia, is too much. I would say don’t do this

Sorry, this sounds like an awful idea. Could you not move elderly parents to you? Either nearby or in some sort of supported living if not with you?

I wouldn’t even contemplate it. There are pressing reasons why it would be easier and ‘better’ for DH and I to move overseas in the next year for both our work, but unless the alternative was starvation, neither of us would contemplate moving our mid-teenager, who has our equivalent of GCSEs this year, and his whole life where we live now. We’d already moved away from the only place he remembered when he was seven, and are aware of what an adjustment that was for him.

My parents did this, we had a big farmhouse and my elderly grandparents had their own areas of the house but…I hated it, eventually we all disliked the situation and my parents regretted it. I have vowed never to do the same with my children. Your family may be very different to mine though!

I moved at this time and was absolutely miserable. I missed my old friends and it is really hard to be the new kid in school at that age. No way would I do this to my kids sorry.

Put your kids first. Wait until they are 16 and the very earliest. Poor kids.

I can understand why you’re considering this but saying it would be ‘good on many levels’ may be the case for you but, I am
aftaid to say, almost certainly not for your teenagers, so maybe don’t say that to them! I suppose there’s no option for the elderly relatives to move to your area? It’ll be incredibly hard on your children to leave their friends and school etc.

What would the benefit for your children be? Moving your children in with grandparents with dementia does not sound like it would provide them with a good quality of life. That's before you think about the great distance and disruption this move would bring. I would not personally be prepared to do this. You risk harming your long term relationship with your children.

That sounds like a nightmare for your children 😕 moving them away from school and friends at this age is a massive upheaval and they may well struggle and be miserable. Can your elderly relative not move in with you or nearby? I understand not wanting to take someone with dementia out of familiar surroundings but I'm not sure I'd be prepared to blow up my kids lives to accommodate this. Your parent might take time to adjust but with family around them they will hopefully settle.

All you can do is really talk up the potential advantages to your teenagers from this move. Maybe make a list and talk about them.

Thank you for the replies.
i had thought a lot of this
Teens will be y9 and y12 so not disrupting exams though yes completely understand friendships. Only one does a sport, really, something after school.
The upsides would be huge in terms of financial freedom for us all as a family, being able to afford to go on holiday as one example, and not having to buy everything second hand or just do without as we currently do. Went to a pub for a drink with friends last night after dinner and someone said oh this is our new fave Sunday lunch spot with the family. We literally only go to a restaurant for a special occasion as money has been so tight.
I think it would be good for them
to have that.
did NOT mean to drip
feed but forgot to add PIL would be in an annex so perhaps multi gen living was an over statement.

Would you be moving before they start in Y9 or Y12 or during the school year as for the Y12 child during the school year would be horrendous in terms of academic impact. I think the benefits financially don’t outweigh the risks to their academic achievements and social networks at their ages to be honest.

Year 12 is first year on A Levels, not an ideal time to move at all. I think this is hugely unfair on the children. I wouldn't consider it, I don't think being able to afford luxuries such as meals out or holidays would make up for moving them away from friends and disrupting their education. Could the elderly relative not move, there may be a period adjustment but this seems the better option.

I think it's too disruptive - it's a hard time to move. They'll remember losing their friends and the loneliness a lot more than a holiday once a year and the odd meal out.

I wouldn’t do it at those ages. Friendship groups are SO established and it would be difficult. Also some suffering with dementia go downhill so quickly and that could be really difficult as the default carer.

My advice would be to not even consider it. Far too disruptive and expecting teens to live with elderly relatives needing ever increasing care would be awful.

I think everyone would regret it big time.

Moving in year 12 is incredibly disruptive to their education. Also whilst handy for you to have elderly parents and your children all in the same place it doesn't sound like a great idea for your teens at all.

Are you meaning they will start y9 and y13 after the move? Or move in year? If move before they start not to bad but in year could be tricky. Different schools offer different a levels etc so you may not get an exact match if move in year. Also be aware some schools start some GCSE work towards the end of year 9.

Still on the academic side but even if you move for start of y 12. The emotional side of it may affect GCSEs depending what n how the older child feels about it all.

On the flip side depending where you move teens may benefit from fresh start new place to live new perspectives etc... you should definitely listen to their pros and cons if they can have a reasonable discussion.

On the practical side you mention financial benefits for you but what would.livong arrangements be? Who is funding / owns the proposed new multi generational family home you need to think about future care fees and how they will be funded and reference deprecation of assets etc.... before you make the move it would be awful to have to sell up to pay care fees.

In terms of personal toll what are the care plans for parents as they age, will you be providing care? Are you prepared for caring? It can be draining to be the main care giver for aging family. Can you do that and still be available for your teens?