How have you helped teens get their head round moving house?

[ExtraArtichokes]

We are seriously looking into multi generational living to help us recover from a long period of uncertainty and help with elderly parents - one with dementia who would struggle with a move from familiar surroundings so we would effeictively move in with them.
This involves a 100+ mile move - so too much for kids to remain any feasible part of their old life on a daily basis.
This would be good on many levels and we are trying to plan it so it doesn't disrupt education in terms of GCSE choices.
Any advice on this gratefully received. Please be kind.

Probably a stupid question but are you/your kids fully knowledgable about where dementia can go? I considered this with my (much younger) kids, decided against it, and was SO grateful. Honestly the person with dementia had a complete personality change and I was so thankful I could protect my kids from that.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t move.

Move, esp if your gut feel is to do this. Truly, your kids will cope.

Could your parents in law move to your area instead, so the kids don’t have to change schools?

Moving in Y12 would be MASSIVELY disruptive. Granted, it may avoid the actual Y13 exams, but it’s literally half way through their A-level course. Even if you can find a setting offering the same A-level combination (more unlikely than you may think), they’ll be learning different parts of the syllabus, have several sets of PPEs etc. You’re honestly setting them up for fail.

and please think twice - multigenerational living isn’t as rosey as you might think. My sister does it and it causes many many problems.

end of y8/ y11 to start new school at Y9/y12

It would be an absolute no from me in that case.

It sounds like financial stability, is clouding the reality of what may well be lying ahead. For all of you, not just your kids.
While it's been tough for you and I can see the attraction, annex or not, you really should seriously reconsider your plans.

Sorry. Just reread. That wouldn’t be disruptive per se, but would be in terms of moving away from friends etc

We moved to Yorkshire from Cheshire and have no family or friends here. My daughter, who is 13, has coped so well. We are living the rural life now with land and lots of animals so she is very happy. No longer missing her old life and friends. We moved before she would need to focus on revising for her GCSEs. You need to do what’s right for the family and a new move can mean a great new chapter. Good luck.

Please do not do this to your children.
Moving was done to me in year 9 and I honestly could not wait to leave home as it disrupted my life so much and I (rightly) believed my parents cared about "a dream" more than me.
Also, "the annex" is a non-truth. Being in such close quarters and your focus on the elderly parents is likely to have more of an impact than you can imagine. We had elderly relatives nearby (not quite attached) and the impact was huge. My parents thought they could make it work and would possibly still say that it was successful. As a child, it wasn't.
And that's not to say that moving or multi-generational living are bad things and teens need "all the care", but even the most balanced teen would like stability.

I just don't think I could do this to my teens unless I genuinely had no other choice

My DCs are that age and I really couldn’t imagine uprooting them from all they know. Friendships are so fundamental to them at that stage of life.

As a parent of young teens, I have stopped my children visiting my parents as there is too much upsetting behaviour. My Mum has dementia, her actions include swearing, being aggressive towards my Dad, physically attacking my Dad and defecating in odd places all over the house. Living with someone with Dementia full time is not always like having a cosy chat with forgetful Nana.

Is the primary reason to save money or to help ailing parents? What happens if the parents become too frail to stay in the home. What happens longer term. Would you remain in that area. How will you go away on holiday if your parents need care. I think you need to be really honest with yourself about this. If you are really set on it then for your children can you have some visits up in advance, let them choose a room and decorate it in their taste, allow them space for friends to visit.

So the DGPs will be in an annexe and you'll be providing all or most of the care? You'll be uprooting your DC and they'll have less of your attention.

My DGM thought that my DS and I should move in with her to help her. So I give up our lives for her benefit. She then had dementia and within a couple of years had to go into a care home. So we would have been at best living on borrowed time without our own home.

What if this happened to you?

If a parent already has dementia they will need a care home and you will be done for deprivation of assets by the council after about a week of them being in the care home. It’s brutal.
dont do it.

My teens started to live in their rooms as they couldn’t cope with living with someone with dementia. It’s awful. We had an annex too but it’s a misnomer as in reality the person cannot be left by themselves.

I wouldn't wish watching a love one decline with dementia on anyone, let alone my own children. It's upsetting enough visiting for short periods. Living with the day in day out is not something I would expose my children to if I could avoid it and definitely not just so they get to go on some holidays and have some meals out.

I think you're being naïve as to the realities of this move.

Caring is hard. It is brutal. Just look at the Elderly Relatives board and the people there that are drowning trying to find respite, or appropriate care for their loved ones. It's not just about whether you have the money to hire people - it's about whether you can actually find people that have the skills and capacity to assist. You think you will have more experiences with more money but it's not that simple when you are a carer. You want to go on holiday or to the restaurant regularly but there are no guarantees you going to be able to bring in carers for your inlaws so that you can actually go out without them or travel. You may think that you will be able to bring them with you - but that's not a holiday, or a relaxing meal, particularly as they deteriorate. Carer burnout is a real thing.

Other people have asked really good questions about what happens to the house once they are no longer able to live at home. Presumably it's your inlaws' house as they can't be moved. What happens if they both end up needing residential care and the house needs to be sold to fund it? That presumably puts you out. Even if there are savings etc. care is expensive, particularly specialist dementia care. You would have to assume that you could be forced to leave at some point.

Moving in with them effectively makes your children into young carers and that will impact on their education. It doesn't matter whether you are expecting them to do physical care, or whether the inlaws technically live in an annex. Living with someone who is deteriorating mentally and physically has an immense impact on your wellbeing and there will be no way to shield your children. I couldn't honestly subject my children to it unless it was the difference between having a home and being homeless. Your post doesn't read that way though - it is not a massive hardship to only be able to go to restaurants on special occasions. Kids don't need to go to restaurants or go on holiday frequently (which I doubt you will be able to do anyway). They need stability and as carefree an adolescence as possible to allow them to focus on their education. In future years you want your kids to be talking about how you prioritised them and their future, not how they were discounted during their adolescence.

TLDR: This has the ability to impact your relationship negatively in the long run and I would not be considering it.

DON’T DO IT. Sorry to shout. Your children are more important than your parents, the end. For everyone. Forever. Always.

This op. I don't think you're being realistic about what living with dementia can involve. My mum saw me as an enemy and violently physically attacked me in fear. Some sufferers become total sex pests as they lose it. Don't put young teens in this position, having a holiday won't make up for it

Have you asked them what they think? And shared the reality of their grandparent's condition? At 14 and 16, they are old enough for an opinion on whether their existing networks, activities and friendships are worth the same or more or less than more meals out and holidays.

For what its worth, I think you've massively got your blinkers on as to how beneficial it will be to anyone, but most particularly to your teenagers, who will almost certainly agree if you ask them.