Posting here for traffic. This is a very complicated situation so I will try to keep it relatively short..
My cousin (I will call him Tom, not his real name) is in his late 30's has a diagnosis of ASD. He's bright, very intelligent, capable, usually sociable and overall a lovely person to be around. He has full capacity and is able to make his own choices and decisions
Tom has lived with his parents his whole life. He's an only child. He's never had a job, never had to be independent with money or with life skills. He has few friends and he's never had a relationship afaik. He left school at 16 (with a handful of gcse's) and never went to college etc.
Tom's parents (my Aunt and Uncle) have cared for him his entire life. Cooked all his meals, done all his washing, tidied up after him, managed his money etc. His mother has very, very bad anxiety herself but won't accept she has a problem or accept any help for it. Most of her anxiety is focused on that something bad will happen to Tom if she doesn't look after him properly. Because of this she's refused to let him grow up in many ways and be independent. For example she won't let him travel on a bus or train by himself in case it crashes and he dies... She won't let him get a McDonald's etc in case he gets food poisoning and dies from that. It's extreme to the point where she has a panic attack if he leaves the house on his own. He knows this so now he just doesn't go out because it isn't worth her upset. His Dad isn't much better and will do anything to keep the peace and my Aunt happy.
Tom came to me recently asking for advice. They have had a number of serious rows in recent months (usually because Tom wants to go out or do something without his parents and his mum refuses) and it's escalating.
He now wants to look at moving out of his parents house. The problem is that Tom has lived such a sheltered life, that I don't think he would have a clue how to live independently. We have looked at supported living houses (where he would have his own room + staff on hand 24/7). However most of these set ups seem to be geared towards people with less capacity and more learning disabilities than Tom has. Because of this he isn't keen on the idea.
He can't move in with me and there is few other family members that he could.
He says that he wants his own flat where he can come and go as he pleases. We also looked at him potentially having a flat of his own but with support workers or carers coming in daily. But i think we're concerned about how his Mum would react to this and someone else "caring" for him. She doesn't yet know about this plan to move out. I have encouraged Tom to tell her but understandably he's concerned how she will react (I suspect not well based on previous experience).
Fwiw adult Social Services have been involved with Tom/his parents in the past. His Mum didn't like them "interfering" and got rid of them as quickly as possible.
Any suggestions on how to raise the idea of Tom moving out with my Aunt and Uncle moving out would be appreciated.