I’m so fed up with the working life

[Sunnyside11]

I’m writing this as I can’t sleep from anger and exhaustion. I have 1 small child who needs me and needs extra support developing. He just started nursery for the first time and I feel I need to be there to drop him off and pick him up if something goes wrong. However, I feel like I’m failing at mother’s duty because of my work. I work in a government industry which is an absolute nightmare at the moment. I travel over 2 hours every day by car as there are no trains and they expect me to stay overtime on top of my 10-12 hours shift. I work 4 days per week, not in a row. I get home at 9-10 pm and I try to cook meals for next days for my family. My partner helps and his job is much more chilled, but cooking, shopping and lots of other chores are my responsibility because my child is quite a fussy eater. While he does a lot of childcare. I tried to look for other jobs internally, but unfortunately is nothing closer than 1.5 hours each way, if anything available…On top of that, my manager is an absolute nightmare and everyone at work is under constant stress because of him. I requested to work part time and he rejected it 3 times, .the work load is insane and they just want more and more of us despite not having enough time to do all the extra admin required. I would try a new career, but I have no idea what, I’ve done this job for 8 years and I have good benefits , but is just getting so bad. Tonight my road home was closed for roadworks and I literally burst out crying in the car because it took me extra 30 minutes to get home and I was supposed to cook a full meal for tomorrow. How can I see any positive when I live under constant stress and a glass of wine is the only moment I have for myself at midnight?

I’m so sorry, this is insanely tough.

I don’t want to rattle off ‘solutions’ though there are a few things that show up as possibles, but if you are drinking at midnight I am very concerned for you and your wellbeing.

I would suggest that you see your GP and say what you’ve said here. I don’t think you are necessarily fit to work and I’d like them to check your blood pressure.

That sounds really tough, I thought employers had to consider flexible working options now for all employees? I'd be looking for another job asap. I know it's not as easy as that though 😢

Why does your child being a fussy eater mean your husband can’t cook? Get your husband to step up, especially as his job is more chilled.

Could you move closer to work? Easier now when your child is young.

Coming home to cook after that length of day is really not on. Your husband needs to take it on in future as you need to do something to alleviate the stress. I think that you need to stand firm on the overtime, really the world won't end. In the meantime continue to look for other work, join a union and get them to help with your negotiation with your manager. Try deep breathing or whatever and try to get some sleep for tonight.

Christ this sounds really tough.

child being a fussy eater….DH can Cook nuggets etc surely. He needs to step up here. You cannot be cooking after 15 hour days. Slow cooker dump bags might be worth looking into. Prep on Sunday freeze in bag defrost and bang on. DH should also be cooking on equal measure.

re flex working look into the new rule that has just come out. There is more say on exactly the reasons for refusal.

you can say no to overtime.

I don’t know how but you need to look for a new job but I understand it is not as easy as that!

I was a "fussy eater" as a child. I was given two choices - eat whats put down or go without. Mostly I ate what was put down as there was no money to buy anything else. Nowadays I eat most things because as a child I had to.

I could have written this myself at the same stage. If I could go back I’d tell myself to treat it like the emergency it was, because eventually my mental health deteriorated significantly. Look for a new job as a matter of urgent priority.

I also understand about the fussy eating. My child ended up being autistic so forcing her to eat what was on her plate would never have worked and only caused distress. Your husband might need to step up here, though, and you might have to let him make mistakes and not do it perfectly to take some of the pressure off yourself.

I think short term your partner needs to take on more of the work. Why is he incapable of shopping and cooking for a fussy eater?

It’s not sustainable. Something needs to give or your body will do it for you.

Dh steps up with cooking and no overtime are the obvious ones to begin with.

Hardly helpful to the OP.

@Sunnyside11 that sounds tough. I agree with the posters who say that your husband needs to do more and you shouldn't be faced with cooking after such a long working day. What reasons have been given for rejecting your requests for flexible working?

Your husband needs to step up!! How many husbands who do that kind of job and commute would say, ‘my child is a fussy eater so it’s my responsibility to feed them’? None! Either he steps up and becomes the default parent like millions of women do or you need to accept that this job no longer works for your family.

Dh step up. Of course he can cook for a child.
You start looking for a new job.

My partner helps and his job is much more chilled, but cooking, shopping and lots of other chores are my responsibility because my child is quite a fussy eater

Huh?

Same. I either ate what there was or left it, in which case it was given back to me cold at the next meal until I ate it. . No way would my mother make different food to cater for my preferences.
Mind you, I do have disordered eating now so maybe I’m not the best example and I wouldn’t advocate that.
The problem here seems to be the partner. OP do you live together? Is he the father of your child? If he is he needs to stop being such a lazy fecker and do his share.

You really need another job. It’s just not sustainable. Move if needs be.

Not meaning to pick apart, but why are you referring to your partner ‘helping’, you are not the default. Language really matters, and you need to reframe. You have said he has a much less stressful job, and yet you refer to him as ‘helping’ Like I say language matters. He needs to step up, not ‘help’ also, he is not doing childcare, he is parenting. Like you do. It’s not childcare.

Your hours are long and hard but you have a DH problem. What happens if you quit the job? Can he support you all with his chilled out role? As I think that should be discussed, he’s failing you as an active DH and failing your child as he’s allowing a frazzled mum, so I’d suggest you sit down and talk about roles.

There is no reason why your husband can't prepare the meas, your child being a fussy eater isn't an excuse. I think you need to be the "man" in the relationship and literally just focus on work while your husband does more around the house until you manage to get a different job.

Why do you feel you need to be there for nursery etc? There is nothing wrong with being a mother and breadwinner and not being the main carer for your child, they will understand when they grow up how much you provide.

Agree with this. Get signed off with work-related stress today and take the chance to rest and take stock of what sort of life you want to live. You need the space to think about it. Catch up on sleep, eat well, try not to drink alcohol as it doesn’t help.

When you go back to work, adjustments should be made to reflect the fact you’ve been off with work related stress - if nothing is done request a meeting with HR. It might be a good time to request part time working again, underlining the stress and your childcare responsibilities.

Ultimately, if there’s no change, I’d get signed off again and speak to a lawyer about negotiating an exit for you. If you can get out of there with 6-12 months money that gives you time to find something new. Yes it’s drastic but it sounds like you are on the edge of burnout.

There’s two adults in your house and one child, it isn’t difficult to ensure that household jobs and cooking and child drop offs are managed between you. If you were a single parent I’d be very sympathetic but two adults not managing is clearly very easily fixable by ensuring an even split of family life and associated admin.

That sounds absolutely awful and not at all sustainable. You're going to make yourself ill. Are the benefits you refer to LGPS and continuous service? If you're working for an LA there should be unqualified roles you can step down too and keep your benefits, perhaps with a pay cut but if you wanted part time I'm guessing you can manage a pay cut. Library assistant, admin assistant, registration officer? Depending on your current role you're likely to have transferable skills for other jobs.

Oh you poor thing. It's exhausting. I agree Dh needs to do more re cooking or other chores. That said DH is coming home after a day's work and minding the child, doing bed times routines and probably laundry and other chores so he isn't having a free ride either. If you can't see a solution re moving or getting work nearer then you'll have to work out a better chore system so cooking mid week is avoided. Don't feel the pressure to constantly produce home made meals, buy ready made once in a while. Maybe batch cook once a week each. Groceries online and delivered.

Honestly short term maybe take a day or two sick leave and really just rest. Otherwise you'll get genuinely sicker.

I suspect you need to work financially so SAHP isnt an option. I don't know why people talk about being a working mother as some sort of badge on here, it brings immense stress to a family when both parents work with small kids. Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

So look for work externally.

What you're doing doesn't sound sustainable at all. The long commutes and work times, along with the expectation that you then cook meals. Something has to give. Why can your partner not do more in the way of cooking etc? Is there a chance that you/he/both of you can do some simple meal prep/freezer dump bags so that supper is cooked quick (or bunged into a slow cooker and ready for the evening)?

The expectation to stay beyond your shift time is nuts. Do you get paid overtime for this? What would happen if you worked to rule/finished at your actual finish time? Is there a way to do some hybrid work/WFH? Or compressed hours over fewer days?

FWIW, I'm a nurse, so I understand completely the shit show of juggling work, the long hours etc. I also totally get the mum guilt: when the DC are young, you do feel like you're running about like a blue assed fly. I'm a single parent with two DC and it was bloody hard going a few years back (they're teenagers now, so different set of concerns and worries). I also understand the battles with a child that is super fussy - if it makes you feel any better, my youngest was the same (bloody nightmare!). But now she'll eat a wide and varied amount of different foods, healthy meals and so on, and gets involved with cooking etc. It just took a few years to get to this point.

Everyone's different, but what worked for me was meal prep done on my days off: I'd cook 3 or 4 different meals (each serving 4-8), divvy them into portions, label and freeze. We'd have them for suppers, lunches (the kids had Thermos food flasks so they could take in a hot meal to school). I'd pre-do stuff like porridge or fritatta, so healthy breakfast were sorted too. Also things like robovacs for doing floors etc, or dishwasher/tumble drier/modcons that made my life easier. When the kids were younger, I was able to work adjusted shift times to allow me to be available for the wraparound care drop offs and pick ups (I was literally on my own with the DC, no family about, exH not fit to look after them unsupervised etc). Once the kids were old enough to walk themselves to school/be left for a bit at home, I was able to re-adjust shift times a bit more. Once they were a bit old, I went back to working usual day shifts. I won't do nights until my youngest is older.

Can you get yourself signed off like @PermanentTemporary and @easterb suggested?

cook a few meals ahead of time and freeze portions or have frozen portions of what your child will eat.