Back at work after my dad died and feeling overlooked

[ByJustScroller]

My dad died last week. I am now back at work, had a few WhatsApps from work colleagues. No card or flowers. My sister had lots of flowers, cards etc and I get nothing. Someone at work just got engaged and there is a card going around, I know it is petty but I don’t really want to sign it.

hugs. Sorry about your dad.

When mine died my sister managed to get so so so much attention - she was very dramatic in her mourning so people comforted her and she got lots of outpourings.

I was dealing with the estate, funeral, looking after the house etc, so I just had to get on with it and so never really attracted sympathy.

Does everyone at your work know about your dad? It may be that its not been passed on?

I do think as well people don't know what to do in these situations. I admit that when my colleagues dad died a few years back, that despite having been in her shoes, I didn't know what to do for her. As a collective we sent her a fruit basket a card and we each messaged her.

jeez I would not expect anything from work colleagues. My mother got any cards from friends.

There is no good to be gained from comparing the reaction of your sister's work colleagues to yours as all sorts of factors may be at play. I presume she works somewhere else. You got some sympathetic messages so it wasn't ignored. Your true friends (outside of work maybe) should be supportive, of course. There is no need to transfer your upset about that to an engagement card doing the rounds even though you're currently annoyed at your work colleagues.
Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't expect anything from my colleagues in this circumstance. I am sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear your dad has passed away. I would also be pissed off about the engagement card going round.

A colleague has just been bereaved in our team and we're sending a joint card and flowers.

Depends on the workplace, when my mum died I had flowers and a card from both my cleaning colleagues AND the teachers who’s department I cleaned.
I didn’t make a fuss, I only told my supervisor at the time, and she organised a collection, the teachers did their own

But that’s how our place of work is, quite caring .
Bit shit you didn’t even get a card, especially as there’s other cards floating about

I'm sorry about your dad. People get weird and paralysed around grief, they don't know how to handle it,so say nothing. Or they go the other way, and don't shut up about it, and try to smother you. I got so sick of being asked after my mum died, I just wanted them to stop!

You are feeling raw, all covered in emotions and your perspective has shifted in the time you have been off - and thats ok!

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it depends on your workplace. I have sent card to colleagues when they have lost their parents but I was one of very few who did. No one sent flowers.

Has the funeral taken place yet? If not they may be waiting until them to send them.

Is the 'jeez' the right way to phrase things given that OP is suffering from a bereavement. While I wouldn't expect flowers etc from work, I can understand what a hard time it will be for the OP and I'd hope work colleagues would support.

I would have found that horrible, to go back to work after my mum passed away and be inundated with meaningless flowers and cards from people who didn't even know her and be put on the spot by people's awkward sympathies.

Same. I’ve not heard of work colleagues giving cards and presents for people who have lost a relative. Not unless you were personal friends with them outside of work. Once I was back at work I’d hate someone even bringing it up. A WhatsApp message expressing sympathy outside of work time is the most appropriate, surely?

I'm sorry for your loss. It's very soon to be back at work, so you're bound to feel fragile.
I'm someone who thinks receiving flowers after a bereavement is odd; what's the point of them?

Bereavement doesn’t appear to be her issue. She’s gone back to work wanting to be the focus of everyone attentions and is pissed she isn’t.

I really feel this and understand your pettiness. Although my experiences at work dont relate to death. Sorry to hear about your dad, hope youre holding up okay.

In 2020 my engagement broke down. By late 2021 I was engaged again to someone new. Nothing from my team but a few months later my colleague got engaged and we did the team gift thing. I wasn't too bothered, assumed people thought my engagement wouldnt last.

Then in 2024 my colleague (new team, same company) had an early miscarriage, we sent her flowers. A few months later I had my first miscarriage, then a second...nothing from the team. Perhaps because I didnt publicise it and only my bosses knew. Again, slightly annoyed but not overly fussed about it.

Then in 2025 I gave birth to my baby. Nothing from the team. That really pissed me off.

Now my boss is leaving and I dont want to put in for her gift.

They may have not had time to collect etc as he died last week and I’m assuming there hasn’t been the funeral.
There could be a card going round for you. Sorry for you loss x

i wouldn't expect anything. I'm not even sure beyond my line manager and people I'm working on my current project with, how many even know my dad died recently!!

That’s sad that you don’t have very nice work colleagues.

It probably depends o the demographic of your workplace. Maybe in a young office it might be an unusual circumstance, and if you’re all close everyone will know. But in a big workplace with a wide demographic it won’t be an unusual occurrence and most won’t even know, so not really something a card or gifts get given for.

She's grieving - everyone deals with that differently.

Nothing to do with bereavements or babies or engagements but once a collection came round for a boss who was leaving and I enjoyed contributing 2p or 3p.

OP, some people get more attention because they make more noise than others.

Im so sorry you lost your dad, thats a big loss.

I have to say though, that it would be unheard of for a bereavement to be marked with cards or flowers where I work (other than for the loss of a spouse or, heaven forbid, a child). I couldn't say why, it's just not what we do. The focus is rather on compassionate leave and (managerially) checking on how the person is doing.

I dont blame you! I will say though that your bosses should say nothing about your miscarriage to other staff members- even to arrange a collection - without your express permission.

Sorry about your dad and for your loss. I do think it’s very normal in most workplaces not to do cards/flowers for bereavements (unless very tragic circumstances etc) so I wouldn’t take it personally. We do card and present for weddings and babies but that’s about it. It would get out of hand if people were asked to buy flowers every time someone’s parent passed away and a lot of people wouldn’t like that attention, I know I wouldn’t have and I only told one or two people. In my team of 40, at least two thirds of us have lost one or both parents in the 10 years I’ve been there given we’re a team of mostly mid-late 30s to late 50s.

I am very sorry for your loss OP.

In my experience it takes a decent manager or a team admin/friendly colleague who cares to arrange any type of collection, it isn’t a reflection of you but of who you have around you. Also a bereavement may be seen as more private, something a person may not want colleagues to share with each other. I’m not sure I’ve ever been asked to participate in a bereavement collection/cardgiving.

Sending you lots of friendly wishes.

This. Never worked anywhere where people knew/cared. Someone close might have sympathised but that would be the most ...at best