Feeling flat after my autistic son’s birthday party went badly

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It’s was my primary school child’s birthday party last weekend and it was a fun activity anybody can do, think bowling, laser tag that sort of thing. We’ve never held a party before as my son is Autistic and thought nobody from his mainstream school would come but I decided to go for it and 9kids attended!

what an absolute disaster, one child refused to participate and just sat on his phone next to his mum (why even say yes to the invite) 2 kicked off because they weren’t winning, I mean actually kicking and screaming! One little girl just sat and said she didn’t want to join in. All the parents stayed but just left the kids to it, which would have been ok if they behaved! I know this shouldn’t be a problem and it really isn’t but one guest bought him a baby toy! He’s 10! He’s autistic but not stupid or baby like! When the food came all the parents moaned it was ‘disgusting’ it really wasn’t it was just pizza and chips not high end but not inedible!

I’m so sad, I’ve spent so much money I didn’t really have (we saved up for months) for my son to have a nice normal party and I just feel so flat an empty. On the plus side I know that my child even with all his ‘extras’ would never behave in that way! I know I’m just chatting about it, I’m just sad and have nobody to talk to about it.

This year we went paulton park for the weekend for one child and we've booked Butlins for the other. Id prefer that than hosting kids for 2 hours and getting 20 gifts I have nowhere to put.

Gosh, OP, that's just awful. I really feel for you, as I've had similar happen...the problem is my child DOES want a party and keeps believing that the kids who are awful will change and be nice for once. It is heartbreaking.

I agree with other posters, that the other children were extremely badly behaved and if the parents were just sitting there doing nothing when their kids were fighting, being rude and refusing to join in, it was really poor parenting on their part.

I'm sorry this happened. Don't feel it's a waste of money. You tried something; it didn't quite work out as expected, through no fault of your own. If your child isn't that fussed about parties, buy him a big lego set next year, or do a fun experience as a family or with 1 or 2 close friends instead of a party.

OP, the parents sound genuinely dreadful! WTF were they thinking???? If they stay so there child doesnt catch the 'tism, why did they accept the invite??? It sounds like there were 2 nice kids and then a gaggle of mean-girl bully parents with predictably horrible offspring. Kids party food is meant to be easy, beige, not hand woven organic lentil canapes. Pizza sounds perfect for the occasion. Honestly, its not you.

If any of these peoole are likely to be at the school gate tomorrow, pre-prepare some sharp /honest retorts.
"It was such a shame to see wee shithead couldnt engage with anything outside his screen. Are you coping ok?"
Or
"I was amazed how few of the kids left anything on there plates! They certainly loved the party food, hahaha"
Or
"Its a shame they cant all win every time. Did you never play ganes at home much? How does he cope at sports clubs?"

Or be honest:
"I heard you all say the food was disgusting. I was pretty surprised that youd say that in hearing of the host".

Id not have the brass blx to say any of these things...!

I feel for you op, those parents sound so rude.

I’m sorry - they sound very rude

FWIW my DS didn’t really cope well at group parties but he has so many happy memories of the 1-1 or small group parties we did

eg - when he was 10 we took him and 2 of his classmates who he really got in with out for breakfast, cinema trip, Burger King and arcades and home - spent less than a group party - he still mentions it

another time we took him and a friend to cinema to see a Soidernan new release followed by Pizza Hut buffet and then a second film at cinema followed by gaming arcade at cinema - they had a blast

Rude parents.

Please don't worry. Like you said you wanted him to have a bday party and he did. If you refer to it positively that will help him have positive memories too.

Next time maybe invite 1 kid to do the cool activity, that will help him build stronger friendships?

Ah okay, i understand

Fuck them then. I would consider their behaviour deliberate and disrespectful and never invite their kids again.

Do they ever include your son?

Glad your son is okay - next year, just something small for kids who will enjoy it

The Thomas the tank toy was deliberate disrespect imo, if your kid has never talked about trains. It seems like all the autism acceptance we see today is just hopeful rather than factual.

Sorry x

Sorry your efforts were rewarded in this disappointing way OP.

BUT at the end of the day, it isn't anything you could have done anything about; the problems are their shortcomings, not yours, and not your DS's.

Lots of people are just pretty lacking - in manners, in graciousness, in kindness.

The Thomas thing was weird and hurtful

Next time, do something lovely with your DS and his "best friend" brother. There is no point trying to deepen relationships with people whose behaviour is just depressingly inadequate.

I threw my now 9yos bday party this weekend and was astonished at how rude most of the children were. No please or thank yous. None at all. I would be mortified if my kids were like that in public.

Did your son enjoy himself?

That is so sad! It’s a pity none of us live near you so that we could all come round and have another party with you, that you and your son would enjoy.

I do wonder if children perhaps don’t know how to play traditional games. I don’t understand why they’re fun. What a load of miseries.

I'm incredulous at parents staying with ten year olds and commenting on the food. They sound like a really odd bunch.

That sucks, I'm sorry. Hopefully your son was a lot less bothered by it all and had a good time. They sound like a bunch of sad people to be honest.

This is the most important thing, OP, did your son have a good time?

For the most part, the parents in both my kids classes are normal and polite enough. There’s always one or two who have a face like a slapped arse. I remember one complaining of our choice of popcorn at the party, because her son liked it but she didn’t want him eating it 🫪 (Costco cheese and toffee, not to my taste either). I pretty much told her to f’off in the most passive aggressive way possible. That popcorn was for the adults anyway, there was plenty of child friendly food. Some parents want your kids parties to be completely catered to their child. It’s entitled and unrealistic. My kids attend parties, get involved, say thank you and get on with their day. We are grateful for the invite, parents spend a lot of money and put thought/time into these celebrations. Hope you’re okay and your son didn’t pick up on the negative vibes too much.

Exactly this. Sounds like a bunch of ungrateful pricks, my son would have loved that at that age. I hope your boy enjoyed it, that's the main thing.

I’m sorry you’re so sad. It sounds like your son had a good time and was happy his sibling was there and that’s the main thing.

If I were you though, I would not take offence at the Thomas the Tank present. Thomas the Tank is well known in the autism community as a show/universe that is popular with autistic people young and older alike. Although it feels insulting and babyish, I think the generous view was that they were trying to be thoughtful by selecting a gift they thought your son might like.

Im definitely not taking away that the parents were rude, because they certainly were- the comments about the food are unacceptable and the Thomas train massively stereotypical.

But, just something to consider, I’ve got 2 diagnosed autistic children and one who probably is.(2 are now adults, 1 has an EOTAS package because she is to mentally unwell to attend school). No diagnosis at age 9 and I’ve never been to a SEN evening, or even been invited to one (and I know they happened at all the schools they attended). Ime schools choose to ignore a lot of SEN for various reasons (mainly financial/cost of support), until it’s either too late or the parent makes such a song and dance over the lack of support it’s actually easier to give a meeting.

Also, IME, ND dc and ND adults tend to stick together, I’d say there is a high chance of at least some of these dc and their parents being autistic (also ImE, ND has a genetic link, so if the dc are autistic, chances are the parents are too- they just don’t know it). just something for you to consider. A lot of my dc friends from that age now have diagnosis’s or ID as ND. I had no idea mine were autistic when they were 9, but it certainly explains a lot of behaviours in them and their peers. Also, of my school friends who I’m still in contact with, a high proportion have ND dc and have reached the conclusion that they too would get a diagnosis should they go for an assessment.

But the main thing is, if your DC had a good afternoon and enjoyed his party. Next year, do things differently, it’s taken me a long time to realise we don’t have to do things the ‘traditional’ way. Our way is equally valid, so do what makes your dc happy.

It was probably a regifted present.
Sorry the other people's children were not great. I hope you son had an ok time, that's all that is important, even if he's not said as much.

And chips and pizza - food of the gods! :-)

The parents sound awful. Kids love pizza and chips. Did they eat the "awful" food? I think the stress of organising and paying for the party and worrying about it has probably coloured your judgement and you've taken a couple of things to heart which aren't as big a deal as you might think.

Agree, but it's an all of us problem that so many rude people are having kids. I hope you get to meet some nicer ones, OP.

They ate lots of it but there was some left! I thought pizza and chips was quite a safe option to be honest.

That’s awful OP 🙁 I did one party for DS when he was 6. Never again. He’s 13 next month. We’ve just had a few close friends do an activity since with kids and parents we know and like. Hopefully your son was happy that’s the main thing.

As for the Thomas the Tank Engine thing - my son is autistic as am I and he gets a lot of Thomas stuff. I did as well as a kid. I think people think autism = likes trains = like Thomas. Personally I do love that wee guy as does my son but I totally understand your frustration and it’s definitely age inappropriate. It’s probably not malicious necessarily but it is tone deaf and shows they have a lot of assumptions about autism.

At least your son had a good time though that’s the main thing.

I'm sorry to hear your son's birthday party didn't go well. In all honesty, I don't understand why parents do this to themselves. As a kid, birthday parties were always for a couple of hours at someone's house - we ate a bit, played a bit, maybe watched a cartoon or film, opened gifts and went home. It was fun, it was easy, and the parents probably didn't stress as much as most parents do now.

I hope next year's celebration will be better.

It is, OP. I’d be more surprised if we attended a party without it. Pizza and hotdogs are always the main options, not sure what party food they are used to 🤷🏼‍♀️ but it’s certainly not your problem xx

I don't know many kids who wouldnt be happy with pizza and chips! It's my go to option when my daughter has pals round.
And you are mum of the week for being brave enough to host a child's party. My daughter has asked for one but it's a firm no from me. I am simply not brave enough!