Partner makes me feel insecure & I dread going out

[MeganBoo]

Hi all, I feel so insecure in myself/relationship that I don’t want to go out anymore. Bit of a long one but really in need of support.

I’m 25 and really really struggling to not hate myself and feel insecure. My partner honestly never compliments me even if we’re going out, I’ve dressed up and made an effort I get not one single compliment. On top of this my partner has made it clear that I’m not his usual type and constantly gets at me to do things to change my appearance such as wear more makeup and have my hair straight as he says things like I look like a ‘witch’ with my curly hair.

I’m struggling when it comes to going out with my partner as I always notice him staring at women who are his type/are attractive. I understand everyone glances at people of the opposite sex who are attractive and there’s nothing wrong with appreciating someone’s beauty, but my partner will obviously stare at them/check them out till they’re no longer in view and even if the woman sees him staring at her he’ll still keep looking. It makes me look at these woman and wish I was more like them and it makes me feel really stupid and embarrassed as they’ll see that he’s with me yet he’ll still stare at them like he’s never seen a woman in his life and in my opinion it makes him look like he’s available and interested in them.

I thought the issue was only when I go out with my partner but it’s now gotten worse. I went out by myself today to do some shopping and I wanted to hide and go home. There were a lot of attractive girls around, many of whom were my partners type, and all I could think is why can’t I be like them, I’m not good enough etc. I don’t really get along with girls as in my experience they’re rather bitchy and when I was out today some girls gave me dirty looks when I was walking past them almost as if I’m below them. I’m now back home and have got straight into bed under the covers, I honestly don’t want to go out again any time soon and want to stay home.

I’ve always been somewhat insecure as I’m underweight, have absolutely no figure and I’m rubbish at doing my makeup, I look like a clown when I try to do it. But I feel it’s now got really out of control and it’s going to take over my life. I feel like leaving my relationship as I feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way. I’m about to go on a massive spending spree and buy clothes that I like but also that I think my partner would like me in as I feel like I need to do better. I also have a hair appointment on Friday to get my hair professionally dyed and straightened which honestly I’m excited about but it’s all because my partner keeps nagging about my curly hair.

I suffer with mental health and struggle to get out the house as it is due to anxiety etc so me going out by myself today was something I was hoping to feel proud about but instead I feel self conscious. I’m seriously considering getting cosmetic work done to make myself look better, I have so much going on and feel really under pressure to look a certain way. Feel like I could cry right now, just needed to get this out my system😔

he is an abuser, he will do anything to make you feel horrible and insecure. It is NOT you who is the problem, it is him.
Dump his sorry ass. He will lead a lonely life as he will never change.
Don't get your hair straightened because of him. I bet you have the most gorgeous curls. Why not ask the salon for products to enhance them instead?
You are worth so much more. Regain your confidence without him, you will find a guy who loves you for you.

You’re wrong. He’d be horrible to his type too. This type of man is only happy when they are putting their partner down and making sure they are uncertain and trying to please

Oh gosh. This is so upsetting to read, you poor poor thing. You cannot see the terrible hold he has on you. I cannot stress enough that this is NOT normal or loving. No partner should make you feel this way. A loving partner will hold you up as you are and let you shine rather than raining on your parade. He is constantly pushing you down as he knows you’ll be too emotionally afraid to leave-it’s his way of keeping you.
My brother was in a relationship like this in his 20s where he was told by his girlfriend that she was out of his league, that he’d never find anyone who loved him like she did, that he was so lucky to have her. I watched him slowly disappear into himself and follow her blindly. When he did find the courage to break it off she showed her true colours and became nasty and manipulative (please be prepared for this). But I remember after only a week he had a little cry as he couldn’t believe how much better he felt without her constant criticism and felt he’d wasted so much time worrying how he’d cope without her. He said he felt like a big cloud had gone from over him and he could breathe air again.

Hes now happily married with kids to a woman worth 10 of his ex

Dump him now! You’re far too young to be in this type of relationship. Get rid. Then life will start getting brighter.

This. An unambiguous cunt. Do not waste your youth on this. I promise you, you will look back and feel so sad that you let yourself be made to feel like this.

What’s the bigger picture?

Do you live together? who owns the house? Can you afford to leave him? He sounds deeply unpleasant and is exploiting your fragile self esteem to keep you in line.

Do you work and do you enjoy your job? Do you have any hobbies or other interests than worrying about how you look? Your looks are not the only - or even the most important - thing about you. Where did you learn that? What was your childhood like? Are you close to your mum and dad? I’m guessing there’s some kind of trauma there to have left you so fixated on only deserving love if you look a certain way.

Please leave, I have just wasted 10 years with a man exactly like this, I could’ve written your post when I was in my 30s.
I have just found out he’s been cheating for 6 years, with a woman I would’ve said was his type all along.
I’m now 42, and mentally and physically very ill from what he’s put me through, please don’t be me.

Your partner is horrible and you are projecting the discomfort you feel from his negging onto other women.

Just leave him, he’s making your life really small.

Yes we need all of these details.

OP the single most important thing you need to do is leave this person - he is abusing you and it will only get worse. You can't bring kids into a situation like this otherwise it will get much worse. There are lots of people here who can provide you with practical advice on how to break away depending on your circumstances.

Your partner is a horrible prick of a man who will destroy you if you don’t leave.
dump him today and find someone who loves you just as you are - which will be absolutely lovely and enough.

You cannot continue with someone like this. He is bullying you and you are losing all your confidence. Why are you always worrying about how attractive you are to him? Why aren't you worrying about his behaviour and why you want to stay with someone so horrible. He wants a girlfriend who pathetically waits at home hoping to please him. Is that the role you really want in life?

Dearest OP you get to choose who you have a relationship with. There’s none of this ‘he will just say’. You TELL him the relationship is over. Goodbye. And you move on with your life. You can choose who you spend your time with.

Your partner sounds awful. Please don’t change yourself. Find a new man who makes you laugh and has your back xxx

Definition of Partner Equal Status: It often implies a sense of teamwork, mutual support, and shared life goals rather than just a casual label.

ln your case OP, nice young woman dating a scumbag.
Dump him. There are good guys out there.

Well you’re clearly in an abusive relationship and need to leave. No relationship should make you feel insecure and as though you have to change your appearance in any way to appease the other person. He also shouldn’t be staring at other women, for your sake as well as theirs. He’s an absolute dick.

You’re 25 with no ties so getting rid of your partner would be the best course of action. Go and live your life and you’ll meet someone who appreciates you for you!

Everyone is going to say the same thing. Leave the horrible boyfriend.
Don’t waste a load of money on new clothes and hair cuts just for his benefit.
He will find something else to criticise.
He is a nasty bully.
Curly hair is equally as nice as straight hair, not everyone wears make up , but IF you want to wear it for YOU , go into a shop and ask them to show you how to do it.

OP, this is t the relationship for you. This 'man' is abusing you and wrecking your self esteem. The comments about you never finding someone else are just him trying to put you down further and keep control. It's classic abuser narrative.

I'd hold on to your money for a bit and cancel the hair appointment. Don't change yourself for a man.

First thing - end this relationship. It will be a gradual process, but you'll start to feel better when you aren't being constantly belittled and criticised. If you want to spend money thereafter, and you don't have a friend to go with, consider going to a store where they have a personal shopper who can advise you on clothes that will enhance your figure. They'll listen to what you like and what you want to achieve and select accordingly. Alternatively, look on Insta or TikTok for young fashion bloggers who are similar size and shape to yourself to get ideas. For info, one of my DDs is a couple of years older than you and is also very slender with no curves. She can get away with looking 12 with no make up. Believe me, when she dresses up, she looks fabulous and gets lots of attention. I bet those girls staring were envious of your slim figure, not thinking you're below them.

For added confidence, if you feel you need help, book a session at one of the beauty counters in a large store (or with a MUA for more privacy), so they can show you how to achieve good daytime and evening looks with minimal make up. Don't feel you always have to plaster on make up tho. If a man doesn't love the natural you, he's not right for you.

Honestly, there will be better men out there. This guy has already done a good job of destroying your self confidence. Please don't let it continue.

Don't waste your 20s on this horrible man who puts you down. Invest the money in a good therapist and try to spend more time with people who love you, especially women.

I know if I was his type then he wouldn’t be so horrible and would probably move the earth for me, compliment me and be extra nice.

This is an interesting perspective. Are you only nice to people or love people who are attractive? Do you think he’s only able to be kind to people he finds attractive?
Personally I try to just be nice to people regardless of what they look like.

also the women he likes, staring at them even when they notice, for a long time, is actually quite threatening behaviour, it’s not a compliment.

He would be horrible no matter what you looked like because that’s who he is, it’s not about you.
You are very focused on what other people like about you, and how you can make other people be nice to you if you’re just good enough, if you just do what they want enough, look how they want, act how they want, learn the skills they want, when it doesn’t work (because he’s naturally just horrible and nothing will work) you make it about yourself, and assume you just need to try harder. Perhaps actually you need to start to focus on what you like about yourself, no matter how small, and build on that. I’d suggest some therapy or at least some self help books might be a good starting place to help you too.

Do not marry or have children with this POS. Better still dump him.

It’s very rare to see unanimous responses on a thread @MeganBoo - but everyone is saying the same thing.
Ditch the fucker, and it’s extremely likely your self-confidence will improve too.
You can do it.

OP - this is just awful. What is this nonsense about him trying to turn you into his ‘type’? You are enough and you don’t need to be turned into anything else. The only reason you should wear makeup or straighten your hair is because it’s something YOU want to do, not because it’s something he wants you to do!

The reality is, with a man like this, you will never be ‘enough’ as he’ll always keep finding ways to keep you ‘in your place’. Trust me - I know this very well.

Do you have family, someone you can confide in? Tell just one person what’s really going on and I’m pretty sure they’ll be as horrified as everyone on this thread.

Have your own thought process about building your self-esteem and knowing your own value.
But don’t discuss it with him. He will argue it so he’s bringing you down again.
He wants to be with you and he wants you feeling awful and upset all the time because it makes him feel powerful. He won’t tell you this.
Make plans to leave him but don’t think you can talk about it to him and get a kind or rational answer. You’re in an abusive relationship :( and need to get out. Do you have family or friends that can help you with a place to stay or to move your stuff?

In my experience, what has brought you to this man has also brought you to that type of woman. Decent people exist, I promise you. Enough people have told you to bin him so I won't add to that, but can you access any therapy to help you unpick why you gravitated to him in the first place?