Struggling with being the only one responsible

[StarsDust]

My ex ended things with me and hasn’t seen the kids since. I’m really struggling to see the positives tonight.
He gets to carry on with his life as if the kids dont exist. I imagine he’ll probably be out drinking tonight because it’s the bank holiday, while I’m sat here alone on the sofa, like I am every night.
I know people will say “at least you have your kids” or tell me to be grateful. I love my children but that doesn’t mean it’s easy being the one who is always here, every single day, with no break and no one else to share the responsibility with.
Sometimes I look ahead and think, is this really going to be my life for the next 10, 15, 18 years? Just sitting in every night, with only my own thoughts for company, while he gets to live whatever life he wants?
I think that’s what I’m struggling with most tonight. It’s the sheer unfairness of it all. He gets freedom and I get the responsibility, and there’s a lot of time to sit and think about that when you’re on your own every night.
I’m just really struggling tonight. Cant even look at Facebook without seeing constant pictures of people enjoying the bank holiday weekend whilst im sat alone. I genuinely admire anyone who enjoys this day in and day out and wish I did but sadly it’s a real struggle.

I’ve explained why sitters aren’t an option, I don’t have the money, I did use to invite people round but they often made excuses or was busy.

Do you know anybody? Create a babysitting circle? Quid pro quo.

Again ive explained that they don’t want to swap babysitting, their exes are involved so why would they, they also have family? They don’t need to swap babysitting favours

Ok. I didnt see that. Obviously I can't give you any suggestions that are of use but I hope it gets better for you.

All these babysitting circles mean well but it’s a bit tone deaf, not everyone has friends who want to babysit their kids. There was a post the other day from a woman whose friend asked her to babysit in her child free time and all the comments were
like no way so why would my friends want to babysit my kids on their free weekends?!

So he's not involved and he's not contributing financially. I think you need to contact CMS and see whether you can get some support for the children, no wonder you're frustrated.

@StarsDust

i was you twenty plus years ago

remember feeling exactly the same.

now all these years later I have the most amazing close relationship with all my dc.

they don’t have a relationship with their dad really at all and he knows nothing about their lives but I’m the privileged one who’s got to see them grow into the people they are today.

for that I am eternally grateful and wish him no bad in his life at all because he lost out

I understand.
I too felt utterly trapped when I split with my ex.
He could have a social life, get in from work and sleep til morning if he wanted....whereas I was the one tied to our kids, no support network and always having to do their dinner and bedtime.
It's hard, really hard.

Do you have any support? Or a friend that could come over (assuming you can't get out) to break the evening up a bit, perhaps?

It’s very understandable that you are feeling very low. Have you been to the GP to discuss your low mood with them? Medication could help lift your mood.

I’m so sorry that you have no support, it’s utterly shit for you.

Ohh no I wouldn’t discuss it with the GP I’d be worried they'd report me or something and that would make me even more stressed

It sucks but you just have to remember that in the long run you’re the winner and he’s the loser here. Eventually it will get easier, you will get adult time again and you’ll look back and think how hard but how worth it it was.

How will he be the loser, he can have other kids if he chooses? He could get married next year, it’s me that will probably be alone and miserable

Because he’s wasted his life being a trash person, kids see that, any future wife will see eventually see that. Karma will get him in the end. You might be alone but you don’t need to be miserable. In hard moments like this you just need to take it day by day. This too shall pass.

I honestly think he will come out on top but I do admire your positivity

The GP wouldn’t report you for telling him you’re struggling to cope with day-to-day life at the moment. He’ll probably suggest something to lift your mood. Usually they prescribe antidepressants.

@Odditea exactly this. @StarsDusti know you can’t see it now and it’s a long game (not that it’s a game of course) but I have been exactly where you are now and it all feels unfair at the time. I only found Mumsnet when my now ex had an affair whilst I was pregnant and could barely get through each day. Someone on here said ‘revenge is a life well lived’ . I didn’t really want revenge. I just wanted to feel ok again. And I did in time. Also every time I started to feel better and like I was getting myself back he would weirdly sense it and try and come back. Don’t do that if he does

I feel like everyone is solutionising for you OP - oh why not go to CMS / start a babysitting circle / find a hobby...

I didn't read your OP as an ask for us all to give you practical advice, but more that you wanted to tell us how bloody tough and depressing it is to be in your position. And the fucking unfairness that there is no way to make these deadbeat dads pay for their irresponsible terrible neglectful behaviour.

I see you and I understand how tough and lonely it must be. Really sorry you are in this position and you're right it could not be more unfair. I do believe the people who say it gets a bit better, but I also believe you that it is hard and relentless now.

I've got one with additional needs and they need me, specifically me, for a lot of regulation. Sometimes I think of how many complex bedtime routines I have to do and how I can't get anyone else to do it and how long it is stretching in front of me and it's really depressing. So I get a tiny bit of what you are saying OP xx

I hope you can give yourself a small treat eto mark getting through the holidays - maybe a day off or a tactical sickie while they are in childcare and do something (low cost) for yourself?

That’s not a babysitting circle tho

the ones my parents were part of - back in the 80s - were parents on the estate. They weren’t all friends. But lived locally with kids in the same schools and nurseries.

if you babysat for someone else, you got a token. Which you could use for anyone in the circle to babysit your kids.

Such an excellent idea. I wish I had a babysitting circle!

However. Not much use for solo parents (ie those like us where dad is not involved at all). As we cannot get away from our kids to earn the credits for a night out without them!!

Nothing like that around here, my neighbours or elderly or couples with grown up kids, I rarely see any kids if im honest! We live on a main road though. Think times have changed from then but would have been nice.

Thank you, you are completely right was more just a vent rather than anything so thanks for understanding.

I also think my ex takes pleasure knowing I have zero life and im stuck at home, he use to make comments about it, I would have loved to have had a life and for him to know he hasn’t left me trapped at home alone with no life, but he knows. And yes I could get hobbies like knitting or baking but that’s not really my thing.

I’m sorry OP it does suck. I felt the same as you. Stuck in whilst he got to live his best life. I remember seeing couples going out for the evening whilst I was locking my door for the night.
Lockdown was a relief in some ways as then it wasn’t just me stuck in night after night.

Your ex definitely sounds ljke a complete dickhead.

I do think karma gets these men eventually. But thats not hugely comforting now, I know.