Struggling with being the only one responsible

[StarsDust]

My ex ended things with me and hasn’t seen the kids since. I’m really struggling to see the positives tonight.
He gets to carry on with his life as if the kids dont exist. I imagine he’ll probably be out drinking tonight because it’s the bank holiday, while I’m sat here alone on the sofa, like I am every night.
I know people will say “at least you have your kids” or tell me to be grateful. I love my children but that doesn’t mean it’s easy being the one who is always here, every single day, with no break and no one else to share the responsibility with.
Sometimes I look ahead and think, is this really going to be my life for the next 10, 15, 18 years? Just sitting in every night, with only my own thoughts for company, while he gets to live whatever life he wants?
I think that’s what I’m struggling with most tonight. It’s the sheer unfairness of it all. He gets freedom and I get the responsibility, and there’s a lot of time to sit and think about that when you’re on your own every night.
I’m just really struggling tonight. Cant even look at Facebook without seeing constant pictures of people enjoying the bank holiday weekend whilst im sat alone. I genuinely admire anyone who enjoys this day in and day out and wish I did but sadly it’s a real struggle.

My mum raised us like this, she struggled mentally in the end. She’s better now but honestly please seek support or try and make mum friends to help you. I wish she did put herself first in some ways, would saved a lot of heartache if her mental heath was ok

I have a few friends, their exes are involved though so they cannot help me. They don’t want to look after my kids when they don’t have their own, totally understandable and I wouldn’t expect them to.

I totally get it. It's really hard and the resentment is hell.

it won't be 15 years though. How old are your children? As they get older, things do get easier and they get more independent and that makes like easier. Sleepovers, just usual stuff because they're out and about etc.

How old are they now?

Re babysitters - have you evre considered a babysitting swap with a friend? So you have someone else's kids at yours one night and then you swap another night?

It won’t be the next 15 years though tbf
assuming you’ve got a 3 year old, at 13/14/15 they don’t need to be in bed early, you can be out later, as they get older they can look after themselves a bit in the evening. So maybe don’t worry about 15 years time, I know that doesn’t help now but maybe stops the problem from feeling so big.
maybe come off social media if it’s making you feel worse. Seeing everyone’s ’happy lives’ that aren’t real can’t be helping. Try podcasts, audio books, make yourself some lists of good movies or tv shows or home hobbies you want to try or get a great book. If your friends don’t have their dc any nights could they come over for a glass of wine to you once your kids are in bed?
any local support groups for single mums?
can you get up earlier in the morning and go to bed earlier so you’re not doing the evening, I know it sounds stupid but that’s really helped me in the past. The morning, say 5am, feels so much more positive and hopeful than 11pm.

it is unfair that you’re picking up all the responsibility for a joint decision you made, but would you realistically swap places with him?

My friend’s exes are involved so they don’t want to swap babysitting favours. In total it will be about 15 years as he left when I was pregnant with my youngest child.

Some days I dream of swapping places with him, not forever but for a while yes and I won’t deny I have dreamed about swapping places sometimes just to be carefree again. It will be 15 years in total as he left when I was pregnant with my youngest.

I feel for you OP. This was the hardest thing about my divorce. I got one night a week and a weekend day without the kids and that mostly had to be used for prepping to keep on top of work and house stuff.

I was angry for a really long time. I don’t think people understand how isolating and hard it can be. My family are not nearby either. My kids are both in secondary now and the eldest is starting to become quite independent. I’m also making sure they help around the house but they are such great people. I’m proud that I’ve done the hard yards by myself.

I always found exercise - yoga, weights, stationary bike the best thing for dealing with both my anger and loneliness. Also got loads of hobbies now too. I also accepted that is was a hard road but that the only way is through.

sending you hugs op.

No, it’s not.

My youngest is 11. Dh and i went to a party last week while kids were home alone! Sleepovers start earlier. I promise, its not 15 years.

Do you really not have anyone who might want a swap? We did it with nct friends and weren't involved but there was an active group of parents in dd's class in a similar swap.

Sleeps overs with who? My kids have never been on a sleep over… and have never been invited to any

So 11 years then? Not much different to 15 Tbf but I get you are trying to make me feel better but thats still an awfully long time

I was there. XH moved us 350 miles from my support network, so when we split I was left with five children under ten and no family within reach. It was utter hell at times. I did lean on friends - and I made myself the best life I could. But it was very very tough at times, like when younger DS was admitted to hospital aged one and I had to leave him because there was nobody to have the others overnight. XH didn't pay either, and only saw the children once or twice a year.

Mine are all adult now and they really really appreciate what I did and how hard it was for me, so there are rewards, OP, but I agree, they are a long time coming.

Even if your youngest is a newborn it won’t be 15 years.

my youngest is 10 and I can now leave him alone for a few hours whilst I go to a social meet up group.

I know the loneliness you experience and it is painfully corrosive and destructive. I think people who have not experienced it have no idea what it is like.

What you are going through will taper though and it will end. Are there any groups for families you can join that will get you meeting other families or single parents, and which may also open up childminding peer support? Is there a single parent network? Could you start one?

10 is too young to leave alone to go out to social in the evenings imo, im not judging but I wouldn’t do that personally.

Yes, I am trying to make you feel better. 11 is a lot less than 15. More importantly, its not like it wss he'll then suddenly at 11 it got easier. It gets easier in stages over a period of years. You still haven't said how old your sc are but sleepovers can start anytime from about 7. Depends on child and their friends. Ditto meeting and making different friends where things can be shated with kids. I found making an effort at school made a huge difference - we made a couple of friends where we did all kinds of childcare swaps.

The realirynis that you got a bum deal with your ex. And I do feel for you. But its up to you to figure out what you can do to make your life easier because that eanker certainly isnt going to help.

My kids go to school, im not close enough to the parents for sleepovers to happen tbh. I think thats very much a mumsnet thing I don’t really know anyone irl whose kids have sleepovers with school friends

Hi op. I hear you, my ex left when I was very early in pregnancy with my youngest. My DC are now 18 and 15. It’s tough! I do feel like I gave most of my 40s to caring solely for them and it’s tough when you get no break. The things that helped me (I appreciate we might not be in the same situation on all things) .. I paid ‘mates rates’ to a friend so I could join a choir locally. She enjoyed the time away from her DH and watching what she wanted on TV for a couple of hours. I invited friends round for dinner on Friday / Saturday evenings so even though I couldn’t go ‘out’ I still got to socialise at least. I’d chat to friends on the phone with a glass of wine once bedtimes were finally over. It made my evenings feel less isolated.
I also had a partner for a while and he would come over in the evenings after they were in bed.

I do understand that you are hurting and things seem bleak for you and great for your ex but it won’t always be this way. You are catastrophising as you are feeling low at the moment and I really understand that as I did it too. I promise you there will be better times ahead (and during not after the next 11 years) .. you just can’t imagine not feeling this way at the moment.

It’s really hard but from experience it doesn’t serve you or do you any favours to wish l on him (trust me me ex deserved a whole world of pain and had a great life all over the place whilst I was on the sofa) . It will end up hurting you more than him.
And if it helps… now they are 18 and 15 we have a tight bond and they genuinely seem to appreciate everything we have built and what I have done. Not every day of course but overall things are good. They don’t hold him in high regard (which is not what I wanted) but they just don’t.

Im guessing the people that feel this way have extremely well behaved kids or what then? Mine are not like that so it’s hard to see the positives, im literally sat here crying because they’ve caused me so much upset today with their constant bickering and causing problems, sorry I just can’t see any light.

@StarsDust no mine really weren’t. It was exhausting and DD had huge mental health problems for 4 years. It was unbearable. There is nothing I can say right now that will make you feel better. I suppose having been through a similar situation- I know I felt like you for a long time. I could see no light. All I can say is that it won’t be this way forever and do try and look for the glimmers . Be that your DC getting on for 5 minutes, a few moments of loveliness, a good tv programme, a good interaction at work that makes you feel like ‘you’ . It’s very hard but there good things there in small bursts if you acknowledge them

And just to add… one of the most draining things was them fighting the whole time. I never thought I would see them get on and they really do now but it seemed inconceivable back then. I would let it play out (unless anyone is in danger) … Don’t get involved in every interaction. I did for too long and it made an already difficult situation even more exhausting

I have siblings I don’t speak to, so I’m not sure they’ll automatically be close as adults. I haven’t spoken to my own sister in six years.
And honestly, I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t even have the school shoes I needed for my son because I couldn’t manage to collect them today after the stress of their constant bickering I couldn’t even get the energy to get out to get them I felt so stressed out.
So when people say “at least you have your kids” or “you should be grateful you have them all the time”, I’m finding it really difficult to feel that way right now.

I’m really sorry about this. Mine were angels and it was still incredibly hard - it got much harder when they were older as the teenage stuff was very very tough. I don’t have any solutions but I do know that making a plan to improve things very incrementally can help. I used to think about where I needed to be, then make some small steps to get me on the first rung of the ladder. My life is very different now but I will never forget how hard it was.

Sounds awful but I actually think it’s like a form of torture, and then you spend their whole childhood wishing they would grow up which isn’t nice either

I became a widow when my kids were 4 and 6. I certainly had a social life! Paid babysitters or have people round to yours.

I don't understand why he's not contributing financially. You're not 50/50 with the children so surely, he should be paying some CMS?